My favorite part of Christmas time is not doing Elf on a Shelf and laughing at all the stressed out people who do.

*giggles while watching it dawn on you that this is as good as I’ll ever get*

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

Them: if you could be any animal wha- Me: rotisserie chicken

Celebrating Thanksgivingween by dressing as a sexy turkey

I’m so pale I get moonburn. 🤯

My Boss: Are you with me so far? Me *nodding* : Yes. *Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

My 3 yr old was singing clap, clap, clap. 8: What did she just say!? Me: Clap? 8: OH, I thought she said the C word. Me: Wait, what other C word? 8: COCK

If YouTube could come up with a "That wasn't me, that was my kid. Please don't mess up my algorithm" button, that'd be great. Except for the asmr toy unboxing. That was me.

I will always love memes. It's like microdosing the news in a way that I can accept-through inappropriate and dark humor.

Match my effort. But for the love of God, please don't match my energy.

Jesus: Mum, where do babies come from? Joseph: Yeah Mary, where DO babies come from?

I had a physical today and was covered in bruises and scratches. I was too scared to say I had insane sex all weekend so just in case, I prepared a whole hiking story explaining how I got hurt. My medical history includes asthma and obesity. Pretty sure she would've call me on my bullshit.

My ears my choice!

I'm a good mom but sometimes I drop the phone on my kid's head.

What's stopping me from being happy? Me. Definitely me.

ME: I want to talk to more people ALSO ME: If another person talks to me, I'm going to nap for 700 years

I tried to stay away but there's so much stuff in my head that shouldn't be said out loud. So obviously it should be said here.

Did yall miss me?

My daughter said Why are you so much work?? And honestly I have the same question.

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

No weirdos? Well aren't YOU boring.

Me: well, the baby doesn’t fall far from the tree Her: that’s not how it— [the bough breaks and a cradle lands on us]

Here's muh face

There are times when I can't wait to go to sleep at night because I know I'm going to dream of you. 🖤

Mental Health in 2023 be like: Depressed? I got a meme for that.

I put my hand upon your hip And then I steal yo queso dip

I've taken more bathroom breaks at work in order to take inappropriate pics than I ever have to actually use the bathroom.

Made it to work on time. Left all my stuff at home. Balance.

look what you made me do (go feral)

You can win any pillow fight with the help of a few D cell batteries

This is for the teachers who are going back to work today.

😎

I'm bored. Not sure if it's the depression, ADHD, or if I've just seen all of the internet.

Call me Mary Winchester the way I’m fighting these demons today

My husband is hiding candy from me. Should I tase him or pepper spray him?

These targeted ads are getting a little too real. Here's a few "suggestions" from Redbubble.

GOD: You have probably 70-80 years at most before you die, ideally. MAN: oh. well, i'll make the most of- GOD: You'll be unconscious for 1/3 of the time. MAN: ..uh GOD: *leans in* That'll be your favorite part.

billionaires have to go do heavy hallucinogens with shamans to get even a taste of the transcendent wisdom normal people get having a conversation in chairs that look like this

Love is accepting someone for who they are. Love is knowing their faults & staying anyway. Love is not getting mad when you discover they are keeping opossums in the attic. Love is staying out of the attic unless you are feeding the opossums. Love is not calling animal control.

sorry I don't argue with people who were born after Windows XP released

bee [receiving an award]: i am deeply bumbled

If she doesn’t boop your nose she’s not the one, bro

Find someone who wants you as badly as ios wants to update