Life was better when I was the weird old bat with an obsessive and parochial hatred of some rich former countryman instead of being Cassandra muttering "Fucking told you so!" through gritted teeth.

I could never be cool nowadays... Mostly because I say the word nowadays.

When I said I liked it rough I didn't mean my entire life.

never have I ever regretted staying home

what makes us kink (casual chats among friends)

to sperm, the microplastics are little disco balls

“Are you the branch manager?” “Yes I am, how can I help you?” “I would like two branches, please.” “How would you like that?” “Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

eat well love passionately fuck aggressively be gentle work hard rest unapologetically

fuck nudes, show me what you’re listening to.

imaginary friends who spend a lot of time thinking about chokefucking

you are your fantasies.

Alexa, invade Luxembourg.

I was digging in my basement and found a marionette I made of Robert Plant around 2000-2001 for a high school art project. I poured a Whole Lotta Love into it.

Alexa, hold me and lie to me that everything is going to be ok.

At my funeral there’ll be a 37 minute montage of me trying to find something to watch on Netflix

Might just fuck around and acknowledge that the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.

Foolishly summoning my familiar and asking my barbarian friend to launch it at a building that we want to find out about just to have him obliterate it. Guess we'll go up to the building and do a good old-fashioned perception check then.

Don’t ask me to make eye contact during sex then call the cops on me just bc I’m outside the window

Alexa, I want to know what love is, I want you to show me.

At my age when I say I want my guts rearranged it means I'm gonna chase a bran muffin with a probiotic protein shake

I already met new people thanks.

Joke's on you. Being treated like shit is my new kink and you're just getting me off.

The need to be seen and the horror of being seen all at the same time.

I give thanks to God every day for making me an atheist.

waiter: do you have a reservation? me: well yes I think your prices are too high, but I promised my date we’d give it a go so here I am

describe your ass using only four photos of your ass 🍑

spread holiday cheer by rubbing your scent glands on passersby

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

[bene gesserit voice] now bring us some figgy pudding

Normalize getting out of small talk by saying you’re going into labor.

I was never a society girl. My heart has always belonged to the green meadows, the trees, and old ancient ruins in the countryside.

The vibes were off tonight. Everyone brought their own manifestos to book club and when I threw them into the fire pit that bitch Bev puked in the sink again.

I started college as a theatre major, and my Dad wrote in the family Christmas letter that year, “Katie is quite the thespian! Not to be confused with lesbian, which of course would also be fine”. I love my Dad.

"good girl" every time you come for me

10 likes and I'm posting my darkest thoughts and wildest dreams

mutual monday: reply to this and I'll give you a befitting superpower

"Luigi Mangione" italian and if the name is right, a real eater

i can legally take your salad under imminent romaine

[while reading sense and sensibility] wow none of this makes sense or is sensible

Prince Charming: *watches Lois Lane not recognize Clark Kent when he takes off his glasses* haha, she’s so stupid Cinderella: *takes off shoes to get into bed* Prince Charming: WHERE IS MY WIFE?

a delicate chokehold on your thoughts