Never realized how often I let my dog sniff items I’m holding just because I want him to feel included.

"Where's the pope?" He's under the sauce

Tetris taught me that trying to fit in will make you disappear.

god gave me allergies bc he knew i’d be too powerful if i could breathe

[facilitating an icebreaker] so everyone let's go around and say your name and how you think you'll die. I can start

as soon as i loosen this belt it's over for you britches

[all four The Voice judges noticing you in the audience] BRING US THAT ONE

The horrors persist, but so do new, as yet unimagined horrors

they should just pick one of the St. Louis cardinals

There’s nothing in the rule book that says a dog can’t be pope

Saw white smoke at the Rice Krispies factory. They must have chosen a new Pop.

[on a date] her: are you on bsky me: 😁 her: are your posts any good me: 😔

I think if Earth were smart it'd speed up a bunch and make us all fly off

you can give your bologna any first name you want, mine's is craig

fire departments hate house warming parties

why's it called a bbq competition and not a meat up

I'm not cheap and obsolete, I'm antique and expensive

kate bush running past sisyphus

Me: [putting my best foot forward] My other foot: WOW. Just wow. I mean that guy? Unbelievable

I got my peg leg stuck in the claw machine again and I’ll just get a new one.

Looking for a good Schrödinger’s Caturday Service this weekend.

Give him the Trix, you monsters.

I found so many eggs please let me back in the house it’s dark

I TRUSTED YOU. YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ME YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT US. DID YOU— YOU NEVER EVEN LOVED ME DID YOU is something my neighbor Darin just heard me yelling at the television

Doing a whole parade float as a promposal to my favorite chatgpt voice

🔵 ┗┓ 　┗┓　 ヾ○ｼ 　　┗┓ ヘ/ 　 　 　 ┗┓ ノ 　 　 　 　┗ ○ く|)へ 🔴 〉 ￣￣ Now you're thinking with portals

I'm so far along in this relationship that I'm on lithium diisopropylamide, which I think in chemistry means I'm on a strong base.

Computers are great because they always listen PROGRAM IS UNRESPONSIVE

I'd be ok w being verified, but only if I don't have to ask. trying is so embarrassing.

TV shows in a donkey monarchy get interrupted by Bray King News

still hoping Dr Gregory House will pop up with proof the Pope was poisoned

it's too bad the Pope didn't live long enough to get his bsky blue check

a show about an evil donkey monarch, Bray King Bad

Me: i'll have the eggs Cumberbatch please Server: *winks* it's Benedict btw Me: *winks* i'll have the the eggs Cumberbatch please Benedict

date: tbh i'm looking for no strings attached pinocchio: *sighs* i see

imagine if spiders could breakdance

[first day as a financial advisor] have you considered embezzlement?

You aren’t just fumbling her, you’re fumbling every guy who has also fumbled her

*at my first peep show* Where is she hiding the marshmallows?

Was not prepared for the portion of parenting a senior dog where they see ghosts

Happy Wet Monday, everyone! Throw water on a coworker today and if they get mad, they simply aren’t respecting your religious beliefs.

I don’t think white people actually like Paula Deen. I think we just like butter.

Doctor prescribed me 50mg of cuttin up with the fellas

sure, social media is a maze and we're mice stuck inside, but don't worry, any minute now I bet they're going to give us a piece of cheese

a woman posted a pic in a group chat of a baby turkey she bought thinking it was a chicken. She captioned the pic "IS THIS A TURKEY?!?" Anyway, I haven't been here because I've been yelling IS THIS A TURKEY at everything. You should try it

Can we pretend this is that last night of fleets again 👀

Remember waterbeds? I keep mine filled with milk

Him: why are you making such a racket? Me: (putting down the construction paper) you're right. This will never work on the court