Necco wafers are just candied bodies of Christ

Things change but after all this time I still feel the same...

Aside from their appearances in Home Alone 2, these two men had other notable roles. One played an inexplicably arrogant and evil clown that harms children… the other played Pennywise.

I don't always blah blah blah, but when I do, I yadda yadda yadda...

Checking out at the store today and it was 17 minutes past the end of the cashier's shift; so her manager came over and said "I'm gonna turn you off so no one comes" and I definitely deserve a medal for my restraint.

Chatbot stopping the conversation when I resorted to insults just proves that even AI has better boundaries than I do.

I thought alcohol was to blame for waking up with headaches so I stopped drinking, but the headaches are still happening. Turns out the only thing to blame is adulthood.

One of my kids loves Weezer, vintage shirts, and asked for a pocket watch and a RAZR flip phone for his birthday, and when we asked him if there was any particular reason why he just said "I like old things" and burned us in the way that only kids can

If you count the two dogs in the car next to mine then yes I made new friends today

Bf forgot the word for ragdoll cats so he called them "mopsy floppets" lmao

Are we still doing girl dinners?

You can enjoy life or you can go to nursing school but you can't do both.

mirror mirror on the wall

*Any time something happens* me [my best Gilbert Gottfried impression]: WHAT WAS THAT

Me: I just need to make it through the rest of this week Friend: it's Sunday...

A buffet style soup diner called "Soup Yourself"

RIP to the lady in the truck next to me who chose to sit and wait while her husband went into Home Depot... ALONE

I "did things" today and spoiler alert, I hate it.

They should invent a sneeze that's regular, a medium, a "usual". Everyone out here sneezing in mouse esqueefies or sonic boom volume

Me: my oldest is legally blind AND he has ADHD, so he's pretty high needs Them: oh really? How old is he? Me: 46

Playing D&D with our kids for the first time and somehow the most impulsive player is me?

Dumplings,

The community gathered this afternoon at Powderhorn Park for a memorial ceremony 1 month after Renee Good was shot and killed by an ICE agent on Portland Avenue. Minneapolis February 7, 2026

I asked my dog what he was doing on the couch but apparently he's not taking any questions at this time.

I asked my dog what he was doing on the couch but apparently he's not taking any questions at this time.

The thing about Catherine O’Hara is she is so hilarious and talented that I forgot she was mortal

no to whatever you were gonna do, at any time

Can you imagine a job where cold blooded murder gets you put on “administrative leave”?

Me too, document. Me too.

I dunno about you but I wear my gay apparel all the time

Dangling participles? In this economy?!

I’m so hungry right now that my idea of S&M is spaghetti and meatballs.

The best jokes are the ones that require an explanation, obviously

Croissants are my favorite food for when I'm in the mood to wear half of what I'm eating.

🥹

[reading the news] on the plus side, there's nowhere to go but down...

i dont think that they appreciate how difficult it is to pretend that im happy under these conditions

NO 𝘐𝘔 THE LEAST ARGUMENTATIVE

proud of everyone for whacking off tonight and telling us about it we were all getting pretty worried

unfortunately due to ixtinyuating circumstances i still havent looked up how to spell extinyoowayding

you can call them boneless wings but we all know they some chicken nuggies

Quick reminder that if hating yourself actually changed who you are in the ways you want, it would’ve worked by now

wild rice is just regular rice that knows how to fucking party

Me and the ladies seeing you dangling your modifier

Idk who needs to heart this, but every time you break the pasta, a Nonna dies of a broken heart. Sorry, I don't make the rules.

BREAKING: living under the current administration is now classified as a chronic health condition. additionally, healthcare for that chronic condition is not allowed under the current administration

After a lifetime of being told I'm "too sensitive", I'm done gaslighting myself into believing I'm overreacting. No one gets to tell me how something they did made ME feel. It's not an overreaction, it's a reaction. And it's valid.

Them: Before vaccines and Tylenol, babies didn't have autism! Me: You see Karen, it's hard to identify things like autism when babies die at an alarming rate from things like toxic bacteria in raw food like honey, unidentified birth defects, or measles, polio, or whooping cough...just to name a few