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[reading the news] on the plus side, there's nowhere to go but down...

i dont think that they appreciate how difficult it is to pretend that im happy under these conditions

i love when people say nice stuff to me like smooth move or way to go genius or when they say things like what im doing defies all logic or i cant believe what youve done

NO 𝘐𝘔 THE LEAST ARGUMENTATIVE

proud of everyone for whacking off tonight and telling us about it we were all getting pretty worried

unfortunately due to ixtinyuating circumstances i still havent looked up how to spell extinyoowayding

you can call them boneless wings but we all know they some chicken nuggies

Quick reminder that if hating yourself actually changed who you are in the ways you want, it would’ve worked by now

wild rice is just regular rice that knows how to fucking party

Me and the ladies seeing you dangling your modifier

Idk who needs to heart this, but every time you break the pasta, a Nonna dies of a broken heart. Sorry, I don't make the rules.

BREAKING: living under the current administration is now classified as a chronic health condition. additionally, healthcare for that chronic condition is not allowed under the current administration

After a lifetime of being told I'm "too sensitive", I'm done gaslighting myself into believing I'm overreacting. No one gets to tell me how something they did made ME feel. It's not an overreaction, it's a reaction. And it's valid.

Them: Before vaccines and Tylenol, babies didn't have autism! Me: You see Karen, it's hard to identify things like autism when babies die at an alarming rate from things like toxic bacteria in raw food like honey, unidentified birth defects, or measles, polio, or whooping cough...just to name a few

Alpha male: men want women who need them, women who are soft, who are vulnerable Woman: *makes herself vulnerable by sharing what she needs* Alpha male: not like that

nurses always look so surprised when you yell “catch!” and throw your urine sample at them

looked up "plague" in the dictionary and there was a photo of RFK Jr right next to the definition

Me [crying]: I can't believe you don't love me Him: I never said that Me: yes you did! Him: nooo, I said we don't need anymore pets Me [sobbing]: IT'S THE SAME THING

September has been so long and it hasn't even started yet

Everywhere I've gone today, people I don't even know have been smiling and waving at me this is awful what have I done to deserve this

That's what she said.

making my boomer parents proud one pair of grippy socks at a time

if you throw a footlong sandwich at me i will catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow it whole

HR wants to see me and I think it's bc I listed "rock out with my cock out" as one of my personal goals in my performance review.

[wife wanting to discuss my mid life crisis] brent [me with my graffiti buddies] actually it’s Sprayz now

cats are beautiful, loving creatures and they want you dead

Who called it arson and not crime brulee?

Lisa Kudrow nailed it! This was the best Republican impersonation I have ever seen, I was even getting upset thinking this was real. Love it!

It only cost my Sims $5 to have a baby in a hospital which means Sim land must be in Canada

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, how much do i have to pay you not to play that song for me

He's a 10, but he makes the Minecraft munching noises when he goes down on you.

Him: Ouch, why is your leg hair so long? Me: It's for collecting pollen

Keep calm and carry a molotov cocktail.

The worst thing about emotional vampires is they day walk too.

I’m more of a heart murmur than a heart throb.

Can't wait to celebrate our fine country and its government sanctioned theft from the poor to help the rich stay richer maybe I'll have a bunless hot dog and a single strawberry, as a treat...

People think I'm easygoing until they learn that I grow a new grey hair for every grudge I hold.

If I come back as a bird, it’s going to be challenging to decide who I’m going to shit on first.

me: good mourning fellow guest at wake: thank you, it's not my first funeral

honestly our bad, we assumed you peasants liked being sick

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it's amazing I haven't been implicated in any local crime scenes.

I have a to-do list that I cross off as I stop caring.

Papa's got a brand new bag. Papa's got 498 bags. Papa's got a bag problem.

If I ever leave you on “read”, just know I’m still looking for that perfect gif.

the secret to french toast is to make out with the bread first

therapy is ridiculous like hello stranger can you help me be a person

Someone who performs targeted flatulence is called a sharpshitter.