Playing D&D with our kids for the first time and somehow the most impulsive player is me?

Dumplings,

The community gathered this afternoon at Powderhorn Park for a memorial ceremony 1 month after Renee Good was shot and killed by an ICE agent on Portland Avenue. Minneapolis February 7, 2026

I asked my dog what he was doing on the couch but apparently he's not taking any questions at this time.

I asked my dog what he was doing on the couch but apparently he's not taking any questions at this time.

The thing about Catherine O’Hara is she is so hilarious and talented that I forgot she was mortal

no to whatever you were gonna do, at any time

Can you imagine a job where cold blooded murder gets you put on “administrative leave”?

Me too, document. Me too.

I dunno about you but I wear my gay apparel all the time

Dangling participles? In this economy?!

I’m so hungry right now that my idea of S&M is spaghetti and meatballs.

The best jokes are the ones that require an explanation, obviously

I only cover myself in name-brand deer urine so my hunter friends don’t make fun of me.

Croissants are my favorite food for when I'm in the mood to wear half of what I'm eating.

🥹

[reading the news] on the plus side, there's nowhere to go but down...

i dont think that they appreciate how difficult it is to pretend that im happy under these conditions

NO 𝘐𝘔 THE LEAST ARGUMENTATIVE

proud of everyone for whacking off tonight and telling us about it we were all getting pretty worried

unfortunately due to ixtinyuating circumstances i still havent looked up how to spell extinyoowayding

you can call them boneless wings but we all know they some chicken nuggies

Quick reminder that if hating yourself actually changed who you are in the ways you want, it would’ve worked by now

wild rice is just regular rice that knows how to fucking party

Me and the ladies seeing you dangling your modifier

Idk who needs to heart this, but every time you break the pasta, a Nonna dies of a broken heart. Sorry, I don't make the rules.

BREAKING: living under the current administration is now classified as a chronic health condition. additionally, healthcare for that chronic condition is not allowed under the current administration

After a lifetime of being told I'm "too sensitive", I'm done gaslighting myself into believing I'm overreacting. No one gets to tell me how something they did made ME feel. It's not an overreaction, it's a reaction. And it's valid.

Them: Before vaccines and Tylenol, babies didn't have autism! Me: You see Karen, it's hard to identify things like autism when babies die at an alarming rate from things like toxic bacteria in raw food like honey, unidentified birth defects, or measles, polio, or whooping cough...just to name a few

Alpha male: men want women who need them, women who are soft, who are vulnerable Woman: *makes herself vulnerable by sharing what she needs* Alpha male: not like that

nurses always look so surprised when you yell “catch!” and throw your urine sample at them

looked up "plague" in the dictionary and there was a photo of RFK Jr right next to the definition

Me [crying]: I can't believe you don't love me Him: I never said that Me: yes you did! Him: nooo, I said we don't need anymore pets Me [sobbing]: IT'S THE SAME THING

September has been so long and it hasn't even started yet

Everywhere I've gone today, people I don't even know have been smiling and waving at me this is awful what have I done to deserve this

That's what she said.

making my boomer parents proud one pair of grippy socks at a time

if you throw a footlong sandwich at me i will catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow it whole

HR wants to see me and I think it's bc I listed "rock out with my cock out" as one of my personal goals in my performance review.

[wife wanting to discuss my mid life crisis] brent [me with my graffiti buddies] actually it’s Sprayz now

cats are beautiful, loving creatures and they want you dead

Who called it arson and not crime brulee?

Lisa Kudrow nailed it! This was the best Republican impersonation I have ever seen, I was even getting upset thinking this was real. Love it!

It only cost my Sims $5 to have a baby in a hospital which means Sim land must be in Canada

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, how much do i have to pay you not to play that song for me

He's a 10, but he makes the Minecraft munching noises when he goes down on you.

Him: Ouch, why is your leg hair so long? Me: It's for collecting pollen

Keep calm and carry a molotov cocktail.