I'm tired of being the bigger person. Just once, I want to be the smaller person, tiny enough to be carried around in someone's pocket, shouting petty retorts.

I miss the days of fearless journalism

Hate AI for your own reasons. My number one reason is that it makes it more confusing and difficult to refer to Allen Iverson.

whistle while you wank

I should have known your mom was the Reddit user ‘relentless slut.’

Happy All Holes Day to those who celebrate.

Mauly Maul would be an awesome name for a bear DJ.

Oz(1997-2003)

he’d warned that fucker not to play wonderwall

Alien watching ‘To Catch a Predator.’ “This isn’t helpful!”

1990s: Smashing Pumpkins Now: “Who’s cleaning this up? It ain’t me.”

It ain’t all bad.

Life: I’m out of lemons is Pepsi ok?

They let me out for a little bit

Making a Minecraft creeper cake for 8 (soon to be 9.)

Welcome to my home. Good morning! 🩷

Hey west coasters- Which do you prefer, Lake Tahoe or Big Sur?

dad skeet

My dog when I ask him what he has in his mouth...

Select all the photos of traffic lights to proceed to Heaven -RAPTCHA

Too bad your standards aren't as high as your horse

Hi, Neighbor

I now have more friends from high school on facebook than I had in high school.

Rapture? More like crapture.

“No Stress!” More like, “No, stress! “

Alright, let’s hear it 😔

asked my 8 yr old what she wants from Santa this year. with no hesitation,"rip away pants"

I’m down to 1 percent on my phone battery but my god I’ve never felt more ali

“It’s always 5 o’clock somewhere,” I mumble, dousing myself in gasoline.

A vape pen that’s also a kazoo.

I’m proud to announce that my off broadway show entitled ‘…But I’m the Asshole’ will open this fall. A huge shout out to my family, in laws, neighbors, coworkers and well, pretty much everyone I know for the inspiration!

The iconic image of the terminator walking over skulls, but it’s your mom walking over her high noon cans.

Another sign of the end times

Happy 24th anniversary of the last normal day.

Can’t. Infantilizing the boomers again.

I hate my proctologist now. He's learning ventriloquism so he can make assholes talk...

Me: It’s the end of the world as we know it Her: Thats such a great song Me: What song?

Neil Diamond is the hardest substance to listen to known to man.

Rilo Kiley just killing it 😎

*somber narration over aerial shots of debris* Life is like a hurricane, here in Duckburg.

A D I D A J M All Day I Dream About Joe Mama

Gangsters be out there poppin’ caps while I’m over here passing clots. COME AT ME BRO.

I’m so excited Taylor is getting married! I’ve been reading articles all day! It’s on the main page of every website! I cannot afford groceries and my city is overrun with ICE disappearing people! I wonder what her wedding colors are!

think I’ve accrued enough apathy to wear Sally Jessy Raphael glasses

You’re mamas on crack rock 𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ’𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼

Barefoot Contessa- but without the corns and odor