Milli and Vanilli! In this economy?

Knuckle tats (F) (F) (S) (,) (B) (R) (U) (H)

“Arctic” from ancient Greek “ἄρκος” (árkos) means “bear”. “Antarctic” literally means “opposite of bear”. I think I may be the only person in the world who didn’t already know this.

Binge and purge? In this economy?

“Heyyyyy, everyone rock me.” Your mom’s rendition of ‘Wagon Wheel’

A bidet called ‘Anal B.’

Getting old is tough. I’m used to white knuckling it. Now I have white knuckle hair.

A pinky ring would fix me.

Remake Homeward Bound but with people playing the animal parts and animals playing the people parts.

Someone says, “be the bigger person.” I say, I’m comfortable being petty. It takes up less space.

If you say "Happy Earth Day!" to someone and they don't say it back that's how you can tell they're an alien

Going to change my family last name to Umbrage.

"Make Em Say Uhh!" Is a daily mantra for us millennials.

What does it take to get rid of Nextdoor emails?

FIFA president Gianni Infantino desperate to make the US FIFA World Cup the worst one ever has confirmed the World Cup Final will have Coldplay playing at half time for about 30 minutes. And no I'm not joking.

Going to relax and watch some hoarders

My job description should say “doing other people’s job as assigned.”

What song are you more likely to hear on repeat in hell? Jennifer Lopez’s chilling rendition of ‘Let’s Get Loud’ or Bieber’s ‘Beauty and a Beat?’

Everyday is April fools day when you work in healthcare

Gen X cousin says I’m the family’s version of Puck.

My dad: “It’s cold in your house.” Me: 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Happy opening day to all who celebrate. Photo from 2009. 🏅

Everyday is wacky Wednesday when you work in healthcare.

"I know this is hard for you to believe, but about 14 years ago things were going so relatively well that we all had the emotional bandwith left to be upset about getting a free U2 album on our iPhones."

Little kid: my dad said we’re going on a drive-by Kid’s dad: i said we’re going to the drive thru

Still thinking about a blueberry I ate in 2018.

Punxsutawney Phil is clearly in the pocket of Big Winter.

State of the Onion

Watching reruns of game 4 of the 2001 World Series just to feel something.

Welcome to your mid 40s. You almost feel bad for your high school bully.

I call it ‘Looks Cool, I Guess’

Cheers! A toast to your Mom! And her endless love of cheap champagnnnnn… Never mind, she just polished off the whole bottle.

What about a Hardy Bucks reboot?

Dad: let’s name him Eugene Mom: but he looks like a mix of both of us Dad: Ourgene it is

Queen Cleo pouch ra

She blinded me with logistics!

Bad… like sex ed in a catholic school bad.

‘Paul Reiser’ is an awesome name for a male porn star.

new track from counting crows "an even longer january"

Enjoying my new hot water heater

"Yeah, I vape."

The Girl with the Weed Tattoo

Knuckle tats: (*) (J) (O) (E) (M) (A) (M) (A)

Gutted.

Turns out my mom isn’t good at dealing with men who aren’t pushovers.

Life is a highway… lots of shit on the side of the road.

I wanna go back to when the only ice I wanted to scream about was ice cream.

The Jerk Store called. They want you to know they are so proud of the progress you’ve made and wish the best for you.

Fatigue. Fatigue is the color that matches my personality.

Sober people should toast with toast.