guy from the Bronze Age: behold my shield me holding iron sword: oh sweetie

A small thing: maybe a sound effect for sunrises/moonrises & sunsets/moonsets? Off the top of my head it could sound like when a sword is drawn or sheathed?

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them? Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

People often ask me if I worry because my wife's career means she comes into contact with a lot of attractive and charming men, but that's not really her type so...

[when a map app estimates how long it will take me to get somewhere] but I am not like the others, I am faster, better

There's nothing quite like being the grown adult man sat in the middle of the backseat of a car to remind you of your position in the social hierarchy.

It’s amateur day at the grocery store and it’s crowded. People who look like they’ve never shopped before are there.

I don't think Trump should get access to standard medical care, he should have to let RFK Jr treat him

Here’s the 60 Minutes video that Bari Weiss & the Trump Admin don’t want you to see: www.icloud.com/photos/#/icl...

Americans having to bootleg broadcast news about our government’s offshored concentration camp is a level of fascism that immediately precedes democratic societies dropping leaflets on us from weather balloons.

people always laugh when bears run away from housecats because they're so much bigger but like. imagine you were in the woods & you ran into a weird little guy that looks kinda like you but like 1/5th the size & his head is shaped weird & he is running toward you full tilt yelling. what would you do

when the unsuspecting passengers of a sinking yacht decide to abandon it and take their chances on a derelict ghost ship, that's gotta be like the olympics for those ghosts. you know they're pulling out their best stuff for these poor saps. whereas with a haunted house there's so much foot traffic,

in terms of which sports are best for your enemies and haters to take up boxing is a pretty satisfying one

If you’ve ever seen a preschooler try to put on shoes, that’s me while wrapping, trying to find the tape after I set it down.

No one at the rap battle will wait for me to type my prompts

Oh really, you follow the Mediterranean diet? That's cool. I follow the Subterranean diet (earthworms and various grubs)

my new year's resolution is to escape the grain silo i've been trapped in for two weeks

Happy to see there are gifts for me under the tree, but perturbed that all the labels seem to indicate they are from the jerk store.

Per NY Times’s Michael Grynbaum on X, this is Sharyn Alfonsi’s email to her “60 Minutes” colleagues in full:

Wearing a fun shirt to a Christmas party. Hopefully people will ask me about it instead of what I’ve been up to, or god forbid, how I’m doing.

I'm not in marketing but an angry guy shrieking "Guess what asshole...AI isn't going away so you might as well accept it!" doesn't strike me as the way you'd pitch an ostensibly useful product

suspect a big reason why many academics and others who work in areas where getting facts RIGHT is key are disinterested in using LLMs for research: they’ve tried it, they keep noticing major errors in output, and they conclude that having to verify all that doesn’t actually save them time.

Those classes that promise to teach you AI prompting remind me of when I lived in Florida and saw a course on how to pray correctly

There's an impeachment resolution against this guy in the House but it's not being talked about very much because "This lunatic is trying to kill your children" isn't a compelling enough political message I guess

I basically don’t believe that the tort of defamation should exist—it is prone to too much abuse, and the downsides vastly outweigh the benefits—but even I make exceptions for baselessly accusing an innocent person of mass murder. Absolutely unacceptable on every conceivable level.

wow they made AI so smart that it's citing sources we didn't even know existed

I haven't had time to do my Christmas shopping until today. Fortunately, everyone else probably already got theirs done weeks ago, so the mall should be pretty empty and this should be a quick trip

i got you all primitive stone tools for christmas

I've surveyed the political scene and in my expert judgment the voters hunger for candidates who are sniveling little weasels who don't believe in anything

[first date] Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

my bedtime ritual involves a skincare routine, reading something relaxing, staying away from screens, turning off the light, getting cozy, then asking myself the most bizarrely intrusive questions for about an hour

You will be visited by 3 ghosts

I went into an extremely crowded store. I had a cart and there was nowhere to push it and nowhere to put it and nowhere to stop and look. When I went to the next store, I did not get a cart. Freedom washed over me. Zipping through crowds, light on my feet, an unencumbered sprite.

butter has the calcium I need for strong buttery bones

Between shopping and wrapping and baking, I can’t keep up. Not to mention being trapped inside this haunted snow globe

I have underestimated how nice it is to have an ice cream cake in the freezer to chip away at.

At my desk when my head snaps back & my eyes turn silver—a man possessed!—& I write, automatically, supernaturally, in a flowing hand, “black peacoat with a fuchsia silk lining, navy peacoat with a chartreuse silk lining,” & then the spirit flees & I am left only with the writ prophecy, the vision.

Having AI write a book for me, then having a second AI read the book and write a summary of it, then having a third AI read that summary and write a short version of that summary, then having a fourth AI read that summary to me, then having a fifth AI tell me whether I enjoyed it

My family refuses to adopt the new language and calendar system i invented with AI

I'd make a killing on Jeopardy as long as the categories were stuff like Big Ben, Famous London Clocks, "Oi, Wot's Those Bells?", Clock Towers in Film, etc

They're called grandfather clocks because they stand there perfectly still against the wall like grandfathers

Instead of a gift, i give everyone i know a Christmas task

Ah so today’s the day that everybody collectively decided it was mentally time to stop working

FOUR REPUBLICANS just signed the House Democratic discharge petition to force a House vote on the Hakeem Jeffries bill to extend health care tax credits for 3 years: Brian Fitzpatrick (PA), Mike Lawler (NY), Rob Bresnahan (PA), and Ryan Mackenzie (PA). Gives it the required 218 signatures. Huge news

I wrote about Rob Reiner's shockingly good performance in The Wolf Of Wall Street in this, but it's striking how many different films and parts Defector staffers wanted to write about. He was a mensch, but he was also just everywhere in the culture for 50 years. defector.com/defectors-fa...