The Andrew formerly known as Prince.

Humor and joy are essential to spreading equality and kindness. Rev. Jesse Jackson, like his mentor Dr. King, was usually a serious man who did hard, sometimes dangerous work on behalf of those not accorded dignity, justice, and equality. And like Dr. King, he had a great sense of humor.

It’s pączki and pothole time in Pittsburgh. We’re all excited.

Roofing leak and a plumbing leak all in one morning I bet you didn’t know I was so versatile.

The internet keeps pushing ads to me about cleaning bathroom grout. That’s what the internet thinks of me.

It never occurred to me that yesterday was Friday the thirteenth, I feel cheated out of a comfortable run-of-the-mill anxiety.

What you’ve got to do is find a big box and compartmentalize.

Happy Valentines Day. Did you decorate your shoeboxes? Are you dressed in red? Are you ready for romance?

There needs to be an Olympic event of dumping out the fat from 80% ground beef into an empty can of cranberry sauce

If your boss asks you why you didn’t finish your work today just tell him that the DOW hit 50,000 and that’s what he should be talking about.

I’m still getting over the strain of pretending I like sports on tv.

So what’s the next big hoopla?

Anyone who still stands behind Trump at this point is revealing their own wretchedness.

There’s just too much weather.

I should just go ahead and spill coffee on my brand new white top, get that inevitable stain done with and then relax.

Have we politicized breakfast cereals yet? Is Cocoa Puffs liberal or conservative?

there’s no way we get through a Super Bowl halftime show with Bad Bunny and Green Day without a total crashout from the president

Everybody always says "F Murray Abraham." But I like him.

Backwards Groundhog Day where we crawl into a hole for an undesignated period time.

The saying goes, if you can make it through February you’ll live another year. This I hope is encouraging news.

It’s sunny and there is snow glare, you can’t see anything when you walk back inside the house. I haven’t experienced this since I was a kid who built snow forts.

Just remember these immortal words: It's not too late To whip it Whip it good

One day I'll probably look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.

You think you have it bad? I have a social obligation tonight

If dog not allowed on couch why is couch dog shaped

Is there any chance we’ll ever see what Pretti was recording on his phone that morning? Do you think his phone still exists?

And then we all fell into a deep depression because of the news and a general lack of vitamin D.

Trump gives me the douchebumps.

It’s taken me hours to dig my car free after plows packed snow up against it. If someone parks in that spot while I’m gone god save their vacuum canister full of used cat litter soul. Pittsburgh parking chairs ❤️

Don't reprimand me for being late again until I've had my coffee.

It’s so cold you can freeze an egg on the sidewalk.

I wish Donald Trump would have to shovel a foot of snow and dig his car out in freezing cold weather.

The sexual tension in this line at the grocery store deli is off the charts 🥵🥵🥵

When they build a Costco they should leave room for a second Costco.

The weather people have predicted Armageddon for Saturday and apparently our chances for pleasant evenings in Pittsburgh are grim.

he is piggy

As my grandfather would say to me when I was very young , the sun shines on a cold stone today. And I just figured out that by sun he meant love (mine) and by cold stone he meant a lonely heart (his).

Donald is having a TanTrump over not getting a Nobel Prize.

At least Nero knew how to play a musical instrument.

I never pronounce the d in field goals, it’s too much work.

I’ve got my ear to the ground and I’m listening for the rumbling footsteps of the cavalry coming to rescue us.

It’s called a universal remote, but it’s not letting me turn off the universe.

Lean to your left—Lean to your right—Stand up—Sit down—Fight! Fight! Fight!

I mean seriously Trump, Minnesota of all places? Come on, this is ridiculous.

ibuprofen with added protein

Someone please take his keys away.

Crying at funerals but mostly out of envy