Just saw a Little Caesars employee get betrayed by their coworkers.

You can symbolically adopt me and send me money. In return I’ll send you a tote bag.

This buck has been guarding his girlfriend here for two days in wind and rain- she’s behind the shrubs. I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day And when it’s cold outside I’ve got the month of May I guess you’d say what can make me feel this way? My girl (my girl my girl) talking ’ ‘bout my girl.

I have never worried whether my tissue box coordinates with my decor.

Shifting the hour back doesn’t affect me since I’m generally out of sync with the times anyhow.

Trick or treats started at 6pm and I ran out of candy at 7:15 and was turning little ones away like an evil witch in a Grimms Fairytale.

I’ve Got You Under My Skin - My favorite Halloween song. 💀 youtu.be/C1AHec7sfZ8?...

Boo

Race car beds are wasted on children who are notoriously slow

How do I get one of them good paying fake jobs that I'm under qualified for?

Make my registers clank.

I identify as a little teapot

Keep the spoon out of your cup When you’re drinking tea Take good care of yourself You belong to me. 🎶

A sweeping cinematic montage of a wooden dinner table, a slow ethereal version of Cheap Trick’s I Want You to Want Me plays and a teenage boy stares at the table as if he can see the table’s journey from present all the way back to the forest primeval. Surprise! It’s a tv commercial for butter.

“The drilling in the wall kept up but no one seemed to pay it any mind.” - Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts, Bob Dylan

I don’t know what I’m looking for when I scroll. I just know I haven’t found it.

You can just say “Hell.” The “on Earth” is implied.

It’s 7 AM and still dark. Posting from under the covers as Mother Nature intended.

Me after the heist, walks into work on Monday wearing a weighty emerald and diamond necklace and pearl tiara, blows nose, stuffs Kleenex up sleeve, starts working.

The Pink Panther, the Louvre Caper, in theaters this Christmas.

Kids, in life, remember that the sales guy will promise much more than the service guy will actually do.

If you wash your car and fill the tank it will temporarily give you that big money new car feeling.

I want all the time back that I wasted by being me.

Finally, I can once again stand on a lonely hilltop, gazing out under a leaden sky, in a coat that billows

Why in the Fuck hasn't the Pope fixed the Bears 🤨

Is the color blue that you see the same as the one I see?

Hello to everyone except those who look good in turtlenecks.

It’s the weekend! Time to sit at the other end of the couch

You know it’s autumn when you smell that furnace-kicked-on-for-the-first-time-this-season-smell.

I just learned that squirrels commit to memory where hundreds and hundreds of nuts are buried by creating a “mental spatial map of their environment and using landmarks”. I won’t be able to rest now thinking of their poor little overworked minds.

I want to crawl into the washer with my laundry and come out fresh and clean.

Did I pop the back of my collar on purpose or did I get dressed in the dark? It’s hard to tell.

I tripped on the light fantastic and I can’t get up.

Dr. Jane Goodall has passed away from natural causes. I admired her, she led an exemplary life, kind, quiet, and yet powerful in her way.

Are you a man who deplores gentility and can kill and demoralize people with no qualms? If so you meet Hegseth’s set of the highest male standards…but the rest of us think you’re psychopaths.

I must show these off before I eventually kill them by overwatering. My Piennolo tomato seeds have sprouted.

If it’s a grey rainy morning where you are then this is for you. youtu.be/ytZkLzi-0W8?...

Last night I started to feel the rapture coming on but then I got a leg cramp.

kinda looking forward to the rapture's effect on the housing crisis. renovating churches into tall-ceiling apartments. entire neighborhoods move-in-ready, furnished.

The FDA has banned the Heimlich Maneuver. They said “The food belongs in your throat. It is happy down there.”

My old school has a famous bagpipe player. www.pipesdrums.com/article/a-co...

I awoke to the steady sound of acorns falling on the cars below.

Back in the 60s if you got clonked on your head while wearing wire braces you could start broadcasting radio stations out of your mouth.

Hey FCC those mergers shouldn’t go through anyhow. We don’t need more media monopolies.

Before you get a black bag put over your head and thrown into the back of an unmarked van, make sure you get out an unmuffled "I TOLD YOU SO!"

I remember a time when the thing that made me outraged were the couples on HGTV’s House Hunters.

The government is now reading our diaries to make sure we don't make fun of the president, but lucky for me I only make fun of him on social media