I need you to see how fckn adorable me and @adultmallgoth.bsky.social nails are. black cats and halloween!

Stoked the #Rapture is still happening. I have a deal for Christians everywhere. You can baptize me, a Jew, for $1k to help you look better for God to increase your chances of rapture. No refunds.

Bluesky feed is like ------------------ we're doomed ------------------ we're doomed ------------------ we're doomed ------------------ cute kitty! ------------------ we're doomed ------------------ we're doomed ------------------ [adult content] ------------------ we're doomed ------------------

When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza pie That’s a lawsuit

*goes back in time to warn everyone that in 2025 we ask each other things like, “are you depressed because of the world or just regular depressed?”*

My mom just told me she didn’t take any Tylenol during pregnancy. I asked my dad- who has had an extensive coin collection for 50 years and watches the same 5 movies on repeat- what may have caused my autism and he doesn’t have any idea. The mystery continues.

in 2002 I got 30 tylenol codeine from the free clinic for strep throat and bronchitis. in 2022 doc gave me ibuprofen after surgery.

“Since it was Wednesday, we knew Monday had just happened. -a real quote from a detective on this episode of Snapped

some scientists taught gorillas sign language and one would sign about his dreams, he called them, “sleep pictures.” and the president of the usa cannot pronounce acetaminophen.

Silver lining, but this is hilarious "We didn’t wait 20 years for Bobby to finally speak and then get served Tylenol as an answer," anti-vaccine group Georgia Coalition for Vaccine Choice wrote."

You want to be alive, but they want you dead. We’re a new, well, funded democratic group that thinks you can meet them halfway.

i’m starting a think tank. we’re going to give everyone diarrhea

The only thing I miss about Twitter and Facebook is watching people absolutely crash out and post shit that you could not waterboard out of me.

Drank the Snoop Dogg wine and now I’m scared of lesbians 😖

Just a reminder to check for your name in this list of books that OpenAI trained from. If your name is there, they probably owe you several thousand dollars. OpenAI cried that if everyone eligible author files, the company will go bankrupt, so I'm alerting every author I have ever spoken to.

We have become the parody of ourselves.

my followers have been begging me for this for 10 years .

Any tech experts here? My laptop stops working when I pour soup all over it. Slamming it repeatedly in the fridge door doesn't help. Software issue?

Fine by me if I’m the villain in your story. You’ll always be Poopy McStinkass in mine.

I’m waiting for the point where RFK Jr. demands restaurants take down all the “Employees Must Wash Hands” signs and the dumbest people on Earth then saying, “Thank you sir for going against the medical and food safety establishment”

looking forward to the many press conferences during the next pandemic where we’ll be forced to listen to someone who sounds like pennies in a garbage disposal and looks like fried chicken skin telling us how to stay healthy

*extreme dude voice* have you ever drove a forklift into an elementary school on the 4th of july? that’s what it feels like to drive a ford f150

Just got diagnosed with NFASD (Non-Fursona Autism Spectrum Disorder)

Is there anything that matches the high of realizing that a married couple you know has some drama going on because one of them is posting memes about recovering from your partner’s affair or healing after a breakup?

*sits backward on chair* don't do drugs! unless I'm around. then we can do drugs.

BREAKING: trump is gonna announce bluesky is dying

“Bluesky is dying,” brother social media is dead. Bluesky is whale fall

I shouldn't have to know who this many people are. I am a thing of the damp, dark, subterranean caverns.

how do i explain to my kids two women being married?? how explain sun go away at night but come back next day? how explain magic rectangle show people talk??? HOW

I’m so excited Taylor is getting married! I’ve been reading articles all day! It’s on the main page of every website! I cannot afford groceries and my city is overrun with ICE disappearing people! I wonder what her wedding colors are!

bro can I call you back I’m having tummy time rn

once some tweens/teens said my ass is skibidi and its just like. your words cant hurt me because i dotn know what that means

i hope this email finds you and kicks you in the dick

*puts entire United States in rice*

about to go into therapy. anybody need anything?

Me in my 20’s: I can’t have any emotional outbursts when I have my period or I’m playing into a harmful stereotype men place on women. Me in my 30’s: I’m about to make my PMS the problem of every man I interact with because it’s funny.

I'm so tired of learning who new celebrities are

I may be tragically pale but my skincare routine is working 💅🏼

if he'd just been upset about kony2012 he'd be in a hospital now

if you know who Duncan Sheik is don’t forget to take your meds

I put on my pants just like everyone else: contemplating how one day everyone I’ve ever loved will die

I’m sorry Ms. Jackson (oooh) I am

Burning flag is a crime, but wearing it on your crotch is patriotism.

when trump said he’d keep the waifus out i thought he meant only the bad ones

I can’t imagine that big tbh

When we do icebreakers at work, I have to lie about my hobbies and interests because absolutely none of them are work appropriate and I think teenage me would be proud of that.

ps me and bestie @adultmallgoth.bsky.social “met” on twitter 79 years ago and have a standing 💅🏼💅🏼 date every 2 weeks ☺️☺️🫶🏼