imgine being treated like a dog where one day someone gives you a snack, you get absolutely mind-shreddingly high, and then they take you to go and see the doctor and then to the hairdressers. madness

Why does Nancy Mace hate Alexander Hamilton and Article I, Section 8, Clause 4 of the US Constitution? Could someone go check on this mess?

It’s amazing the difference between how some Republicans speak 5 minutes after their political careers are over compared to the time when they wanted the cult leader to love them.

If releasing your tax returns and the Epstein files would end your presidency, then your presidency must end. It’s that simple.

Thou shalt not let these evil motherfuckers win.

I have one more pet to bathe today and I made the mistake of reading my notes on how she did last time 🫩 How do I quit my job?

There is not a single insurrectionists MFer who beat a cop that should get a penny of our money. Not one. And the people making this decision will all be appointed by Blanche and will meet in secret. This is an impeachable offense by Blanche.

NEW: I've filed a claim with Todd Blanche for compensation from the $1.776B slush fund for the unlawful investigation by the government into my podcast in August 2019. I'm seeking $8.647 million in compensation for weaponized lawfare - the equivalent of punitive damages, lost pay and retirement.

We call it, “Time to buy your red robe and white bonnet and get ready to walk with us in numbers too large to ignore.”

Me: When was the last time that you even heard about it as a plot point? It's a totally untapped market and long-since overdue for exploration. Not, like, haunted gold or something - actual cash in bill form. Them: I meant, "questions about the job." [in unrelated news, not hired at the bank.]

Hmmm

tonight im flipping the script and going down on bluesky

In case you need any more motivation to hold the most corrupt "president" in U.S. history accountable. #Register&VOTE 🌊

you're "too legit to quit", i'm exactly legit enough to quit; we are not the same

according to my cousin, "princess doesn't like people and doesn't let anyone touch her"

I GET LOGGED OUT. BUT I LOG IN AGAIN

I just don't see "candy ass" as an insult. It's quite flattering, actually.

re-watching "snatch" and absolutely fizzing at the slit over benecio del tero

After a while, I realized that I hadn't thought of Steve Oedekerk and his amazing movies. I should watch a bunch of them, because they're almost all hilarious.

walking into a family gathering like "shut up none of this is my problem"

This is Spencer. He asked to see a pic of the situationship you've been telling him about. Thinks maybe it's time to focus on yourself. 13/10 (IG: ourboyspencer)

Wish I could find a mattress THIS comfortable.

The escaped Cirque du Soleil acrobats living in the woods are playing a highly sexualized version of Pokémon that has offended several, but not all, of the local churches.

me: *having a heart attack* wife: paramedics are on their way me: that won’t be enough (hey while you’re here, like and subscribe! and shoutout to our sponsors: q-tips. ok back to the joke) wife: who should i call? me, with my dying breath: full house of medics

didn’t Plan B become widely available around the same year as the iPhone?

🍏

It's legitimate only if you want dead poor kids. The elites will continue to vaccinate their children right on schedule. Poor kids in hospitals mean poor families in perpetual debt for generations. Don't ever aim above the gutter with policies like this; aim for the wallet - you won't miss.

Dana Bash at the end giving credence to this “debate” is shocking. Whether to vaccinate your children against measles is NOT A LEGITIMATE POLICY DEBATE.

It's time to walk in a great big Skircle, folks! @railroadofsin.bsky.social @trdark23.bsky.social @soundwave187.bsky.social @vermontchicken.bsky.social @vexedfluxation.bsky.social @mrcsvndrvrs.bsky.social @stuporhero.bsky.social @orpach.neocities.org

@wikibara.bsky.social Would you like a cookie?

adhd is so stupid what do you mean i have a terabyte of installed video games and also no video games

Akatosh's Astonishing Blessing

Morning.

I want summer weather but I’m pretty sure this is the year the sun starts making a noise.

That’s all he got. No help with Iran, the opposite in fact. He was threatened to back off Taiwan, vague claims about buying Boeing planes, and was told the US is a declining nation, but he’s too stupid and arrogant to realize it was about him.

Love that fake AF bookcase behind Indy in ‘Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade’ 🤣 📚 🖤

someone just tried to own me by implying i can't write cursive 😭😭 in 2026 😭😭😭😭

"Will we ever meet a time traveler?" I believe that we already have and they're scientifically indistinguishable from a bunch of dicks.

borrowing a time machine to break john lennon’s confidence by singing every song he wrote in front of him a month before he writes it

Everyone shut the fuck up and watch this video of a goat screaming.

Can I check your socks for holes

I have thrown several moneys at the screen and nothing has happened, why has nothing happened.

Hollywood, hear me out: A film with Charlize Theron and Hannah Waddingham playing tall sisters who just go around in high heels terrorizing 5'7" men for fun.

I had a wet dream about Elon Musk where I ran him over with a Cybertruck and pissed myself laughing.

On this date in 1866, Congress passed legislation that called for the creation of a five-cent piece composed of nickel and copper; the currency became known as the nickel.

“But several reliable, well-informed sources confirmed the idea that Hitler's anti-Semitism was not so genuine or violent as it sounded.” - NY Times, 1922 with previous “deeply reported” opinion

I'll admit, I didn't see who was cast as the new James Bond until after it was a done deal. Frankly, it's time for the right kind of representation in the franchise. Share your own discoveries in this thread.