the enemy's anti-induction engine has never worked before. we must be fearful

3 billion coffee beans run java

"Fresh Butternut Pumpkin Whole".

Witnessing honours behind human compression.

i’m buying vegetables you never heard of to make salads you can’t even begin to imagine

The Church of Croesus Jiced of Saturday Laints

farmers will tessellate chickens like this and call it "free range"

swez cornell

I wanted to borrow one of those paddles from the auction house to play ping-pong, but someone told me it's "forbidden".

I was actually a burnt out moron kid and became a gifted adult

even if nobody else believes in me, i know this section of the emoji keyboard believes in me

what level of package tracking are you on,,, my dude

I'm singularity and ready to mingularity

Using "decimate" to mean "kill 50%" as a universally agreeable compromise

the opposite of "fromsoft" is "to hard". which interesting because that's what their games are

Want to feel old? [YEAR NUMBER] was [CURRENT YEAR MINUS YEAR NUMBER] years ago

At the store. When the food is oxidised, the price is reduced.

As a kid I thought both quicksand and ipv6 would have a much bigger impact on my life than it has

Weighing myself before and after a shower to quantify how dirty I was.

Same-day surgery, call it an impatient procedure.

writing code can make you a good programmer . deleting code is what makes you a great programmer

Topologically, mittens and socks are the same thing

concealed carry calzone

I just heard another ringing endorsement for tinnitus

my name’s mc escher and im hear to say i like interlocking lizards in a major way

staring at the term "iambic pentameter" until all i can see is "i am bic pen"

Well, it happened again. I got put on the jumbotron at the grocery store and everyone booed my groceries

You all should've seen how close I was to rubbing my eye a minute after chopping up some habaneros. We're talking about the kind of near-miss that's gonna get the air traffic controller in my brain put on administrative leave.

I don't know what everyone's complaining about. Just go to settings > features > worms, then change the "worms pouring out of my phone" toggle from "yes" to "maybe later"

this took a long time because I only have 1 friend so I kept blocking it on the roadmap as "unproven"

The bacteria in kimchi will take over your gut, then steer you around in ways that cause you to seek out and eat more kimchi

My dog is very lazy and yet has never been jumped over by a quick brown fox Really makes u think

minimalism was created by big small to sell more less

meteorology if you will

Me at the steak eating contest

You know you really been through it when the paramedics wrap you in foil like a baked potato

Saw this at an estate sale and just had to have it

7-zip. One for every day of the week.

if i had a time machine of course I'd use it for the important stuff like killing Huey Long before he becomes president and Gandhi before he can start the war but I'd also use it for something really funny like hiding Jimmy Hoffa's body so his death looks way more suspicious

coffee: the bean juice

ICANNT

that's just how it is on this bitch of an earth

i would love to see the pope transsubstantiate a hamburger

Fermat’s last tantrum

Too fig to bail.

Facts Machine.

This brought me joy.

Three young men reenact the allegory

oh no the girls are z-fighting