Who am I to judge

I'll take my bear cub barbecued with a side of baked beans to go, please

NETHER SAUCE FOR THE NETHER REGIONS

cory booker is on the senate floor explaining why the eagles couldn’t just fly the Ring to Mordor

"get ready for round 2" I say to my wife as I set an alarm for 3 weeks from now.

the sun is finally here to cast a warm glow onto all the spots you missed while dusting.

Where is my uterus pen and matching ovarian notepaper, I wondered, as I picked up my vagina handbag and slung it over my shoulder

I can tell that Spring is almost here because I'm filled with rage, but I also want to plant flowers.

“Use your words,” I say. The bear continues to attack me

Our fish of the day is Lucas, yanked this morning from his placid sea home for your possible delectation.

Girl: Omg i love your lip gloss what is it Me: bacon grease

this leather pants era has been underwhelming compared to my last

The JFK files are here to pump 👏**clap**👏 YOU up!

the jfk files are one of the 11 herbs and spices in colonel sanders chicken

We all make grammatical mistakes. The important thing is that you learn from it and delete your account

The date was going great until my puppet started crying

Alexa, throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Post your favorite Doctor Who. Wrong answers only.

TL;DR

Thank you, Elon Tusk, for bringing home our rhinoceros heroes from space. And for rhinoceros shoes, and all things rhinoceri

Me: *getting frisked* Officer: twerking is not necessary, ma’am

It's always sad on March 18th. It means taking down all the St Patrick's Day decorations like the four-leaf clover tree, the pot o' gold stockings hung by the fireplace, and the 12-foot Home Depot leprechaun with the "Let's get Lucked up" t-shirt. *sighs in Irish*

GUYS, GUYS, DON’T GET TOO EXCITED, DON’T LOSE YOUR HEADS, BUT DEAL OR NO DEAL ISLAND IS ABOUT TO START

hey can you hold my baby i need to reference my ancient tome for a second

I can't believe you forgot me on your birthday.

The best part about going to the movies is that it’s illegal for anyone to bother you for two hours

you can tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile by their footwear

Age yourself with a cartoon you watched as a kid

me when someone’s trying to explain how tariffs work

Kicked out of poetry class for plagiarism. And that has made all the difference.

just had one of the top five best glasses of milk i’ve ever had in my life

I’m thinking of running to become America’s first Amish President.

Thinking about that time Johnny Quest did an episode on radioactive leprechauns

Sorry I don't keep track of holidays, are the snakes risen?

I've got my St. Patrick's Day costume all ready: nipple clamps, roller skates, a 12-volt battery & a Rottweiler. And 1 of those green hats.

Overheard at the gym: "I’m just here to make my smartwatch feel useful." Honestly, same.

Happy New Year, I am in the emergency room with an infected gallbladder that they will be removing sometime today or tomorrow (who knows). Meanwhile I’m thirsty and dehydrated but no one offers to give me fluids; & my pain med is starting to wear off. Say a little prayer for me.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, y’all. I’ll see you next year!

Wearing only boxer shorts, I punched my mailman in the eye. He seems unaware it's Boxing Day. Here come the police. I wonder what they want.

me: excuse me, do you serve crab here? waiter: I'm afraid not my crab: *putting his little jacket back on* come on, we're leaving

i’m sorry you left your cart horizontal in the aisle and i used my air horn

Watching this lady stumble her way through the parking lot makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one that's drunk at Home Depot

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

We don't call it Xbox in our house. We call it by it's full and proper name, Christbox.

just opened Animal Crossing for the first time in two years and they were having a funeral for me

“WHERE ARE THE GODDAMN SCISSORS!!!” -Christmas caroling at my house

I scampered out of the hermit's cave with recluse abandon.