His real name is actually Tom Netherlands

her: any idea why there were so many police helicopters flying over our house last night? me: *taking a wooden spoon out of the dishwasher* someone must've done something really bad

him: let's shake on it me: ok *spits on hand* him: why did you spit on my hand?

Remember the good ole days when the worst thing a president did was 9/11

that's right, your wife left you because you needed 2 trips to bring the groceries in from the car

It's important for men to talk about feelings but also to shut the fuck up

why they give school buses such huge ass?

[screaming at the top of my voice] I'm NOT grumpy

waiter: would you like to allow the wine to breathe? albert desalvo: no

me: I crashed into another car her: was it moving? me: yes, I was very upset

carefully and agonisingly trying to decide which side to take between the one that is doing genocide and the one that genocide is being done to

in the middle of an important meeting I pass my boss a post-it note. It simply says 'girl cats have wherskers'. He nods

just gonna get a glass of water from the kitchen and drink it on my way back so I can sit back down on the sofa with an empty glass

kraken: *awakes* kraken: *hits snooze*

just experienced a home invasion and I never want to go through that again. what if I'd been caught?

buying a dead houseplant to save myself all the trouble

why don't snakes just roll downhill sideways?

using a hotdog as an intercom to say "janice, cancel my 2 o'clock" and then eating it

hello 911, I saw a bee

me: I want to have sex with you her: let's wait til we're married priest: yes, can we get on with the ceremony please

[1st day of tuba class] me: *holding a potato* I've made a mistake

In the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they never should've taken that away

Remember the good ole days when the worst thing a president did was 9/11

gymnastics is ok but they should also do different types of nastics

her: I'm worried you're going to ruin our wedding me: why? her: you always mess up the most important words me: do I? her: exactly

swimming is so embarrassing everyone can see you want to be alive

Obama 2028

[looking at myself in the mirror] how dare you

me: nice dog, can I give him a pet? him: sure me: *places a hamster next to his dog* there you go, buddy dog: thanks

[I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "I'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"] me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit

my kid: I had a spelling test today me: how did you do? my kid: I got an A for effort me: *disappointed* no, it's an E

love it when the moon's also out working the day shift

me: how can I impress your dad? her: he's really into cars me: ok [later] her dad: nice to meet you me: let's talk about pixar's finest movie

you get in line with the others, take a handful of parmesan cheese and, with a few softly spoken words, sprinkle it generously over my open grave

Grating a hot dog and sprinkling it over another hot dog

Be the scrabbling you want to hear in the walls

me: I named you after my father after my father: I know

slug: nice hat snail: thanks

[pet shop] me: excuse me, do you work here? hamster: no, not really

breaking several laws and risking the lives of loved ones in the name of beating Google maps by one minute

[finishing a 15 minute drum solo] I think THAT answers the question, your honor

her: there's a spider in the bath me: ok I'll get him a little towel

Jamiroquai when Jamiro weely sad

[in a meeting] this could've been an email [when I get an email] I'm not reading that

date: so what are you into? me: debt

[talking to my houseplants] listen, you piece of shit

gotta hand it to him for finding a way to hurt capitalism AND working people

I'll be fine, just need to get through this decade

Having stoners answer customer service calls is so effective. My grocery delivery got stolen (so I'm mad) so I called the store & some dude was like "Seriously? Damn, what the fuck" and I was like "Right? Dude, I know" and he's like "Fuck dude, let me get this fixed" and I was like "Bro, thank you."

explaining to the local toddler why they're wrong