Perfect Gentleman Does Not Assault Drunk Woman https://theonion.com/perfect-gentleman-does-not-assault-drunk-woman-1819578655/

I met with one of my constituents who bravely served in Afghanistan, and he did me the incredible honor of presenting me with his ribbon rack. He and the people he served with have seen forever wars their entire lives. It is time for these needless, thoughtless wars to end.

I had to say goodbye to this beautiful, brave girl yesterday, after just shy of 16 years. Sweet baby Iris, I’m so glad to have shared your little life, and honored to have sent you off to your next adventure with a mouthful of cream cheese, your favorite, for the road. Love you forever.

I’m sure you get requests to boost stuff all the time, but @catsofyore.bsky.social a Philly shelter had to suddenly close due to a building collapse. They still need foster homes for the evacuated cats. phillypaws.org

that being said, [long, piercing shriek]

my what an invigorating cocktail of relief, anger and anxiety

Those Artemis II astronauts are missing the opportunity of a lifetime if they aren’t up there blasting Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’!!!

they were saying all kinds of mean stuff about you behind the moon

Jeff Bezos has $222 billion. If he paid my wealth tax this year, we could fund insulin in America for everyone who needs it plus free school lunch for every kid in Texas—and have plenty of money left over. And Bezos would still have $215 billion dollars to spare.

The biggest story in the world right now is that the president of the United States is a demented old man who takes pleasure in torturing and killing people and is committing crimes with impunity. And yet most legacy media outlets are too cowardly to tell it like it is.

girl take us with you

it always turns out trump isn't dead, but if we do this every time he's out of the public eye for an hour, maybe it'll at least bother him

Both of Marco Rubio’s parents were born in Cuba. Marco Rubio was born in Miami in 1971, before they became US citizens. He is a US citizen because he was born in the US under birthright citizenship. #Hypocrites

This is Pulitzer shit right here.

the girl guides in the UK just kicked out all their trans members specifically bc they were threatened with a lawsuit from a rowling-funded group

okay so AI is absolutely cratering imminently and I need all of you to PROMISE me you won't take the high road, and will laugh and rub it in their faces as much as possible. I need you to laugh and go 'WE TOLD YOU SO, BITCH" at every opportunity, PLEASE be extremely mean and ruthless

search your camera roll for "hell"

i bet this shit sounds magical if you're fucking stupid

leland palmer in the black lodge

What’s your sign?

There are a lot of posts out there with the close-up visual of Markwayne Mullin on January 6, but this is a better perspective. He’s not protecting others; he’s protecting himself and hiding. You can see plenty of people at the entry door, ready to take on the insurrectionists, but not Markwayne.

I think this is a great argument, beautifully constructed

Your timeline told me it wanted some pictures from the delightful Wes Anderson show at the Design Museum In London

I can't explain why, but "I hate Illinois Nazis" is funnier than "I hate Chicago Nazis."

Abolish the legal gender marker entirely. No government can be trusted to have a database of which people have changed theirs, no government has any business tracking what your gender is "supposed" to be in the first place.

Forgive me if I’m wrong but didn’t he write a very stupid book about how there should not be a social safety net

The Mighty Milkshake Ducks

the democratic response to the SOTU should start with “is Donald Trump a pedophile?” and from there be entirely about the files

congrats to the mens hockey team for letting a demented 80 year old sex criminal steal your shine and make himself the center of your accomplishment

it's molting season for RFK Jr

As the world reels from the president's rant and threats of additional tariff chaos, I'd just like to remind the UK that they recently arrested someone who could probably bring down this entire house of cards with very little incentive.

I remember Alysa Liu’s season before she retired, and her stress and misery and just general teenage awkwardness poured off the screen. That she could take the time to rediscover herself and her joy is already an incredible triumph; an Olympic gold is the most extraordinary bonus. ❤️❤️❤️

ALYSA MF'N LIU GOLD MF'N MEDALIST

I can’t think of one that made me outright angry, but I was 10 when “The Empire Strikes Back” came out, and it was my first cliffhanger. I was stunned, STUNNED that a movie I’d waited for 3 years could just…stop, and the plot would not resolve until I was in middle school!!1!

Everyone should proceed on the assumption that Donald J. Trump is proven to be a child rapist in the Epstein files. If that assumption were incorrect, Trump would have released all the files by now to prove his innocence.

Every single time a story like this is reported, we must assume that there are many many more that do not.

I've written about the overarching post story, causes, underlying pattern. But the failure of Lewis or Bezos to even show up, literally or figuratively, on a day of devastating cuts epitomizes the profound lack of character and accountability that is so common place today within the American elite.

part of me still can't believe the East Wing was completely destroyed and there have been no negative consequences or reports on whether items inside were properly archived or not

Goddamn. That is a *performance*

The best thing about nobody buying tickets to Melania is you can just make up stuff that happens in the movie and people will believe you. My favorite part is when she throws up in her purse after the hot dog eating contest

There are some bangers in the Rotten Tomatoes pull quotes for "Melania" reviews but this one is the clear winner:

reposting with alt text for accessibility: Sight in San Francisco (from a friend)

Highlight of my career, probably

one of the reasons I think it's hard to believe Catherine O'Hara died is because she was this super rare combination of both poise and chaotic energy and so she didn't seem to have a physical age; she was just oscillating between 40 and 17 and 60 at all times.

it is unacceptable that after this fucking hellish month we are now required to persist in a world that doesn’t have catherine o’hara in it. what the fuck is this shit

Crying and folding in some cheese. Flights of angels, beautiful lady.

We did not properly punish the confederates. We did not properly punish the insurrectionists on January 6th. We have to punish ICE. They can’t be allowed to slink back into their communities quietly. Expose them. Arrest them. Convict them. Imprison them.

ICE thinks Minnesotans will eventually give up, it’s like they’re unfamiliar with Vikings fandom

In the richest country in the world, it is reprehensible that people are forced to wait til a preventable disease becomes an emergency, or until they’re 65 and on Medicare to access care. It’s time for Medicare for All — health care from the day you’re born to the day you die.

“I'm glad you have enough love in your life that that response comes naturally. If anything, you should be proud of that :)”