we goodnight now, sweet dreams

hey, quick question: what’s it gonna take

him: you ok? me, filling the bird feeders while wearing my wedding dress: yep

Anyway

All the other scientists are yelling at me because I’m wearing the Doomsday Clock like Flavor Flav

Nice try, tryers.

Please stop sending highly-skilled assassins to murder me. It's mean and it hurts my feelings

I don’t care about enemies

my “i fucked your mom” t-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt

Judges hate this one simple trick (horse lawyer)

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man." George Bernard Shaw, ph. by Yousuf Karsh, 1943.

So is Donald gonna make today a national holiday?

Tom Waits (left) Allen Ginsberg (centre) and David Blue (right) talk in a New York bar in 1975. Photo by Richard E. Aaron.

woke up feeling like an unfinished poem again

i never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so i just slowly put their fist in my mouth

(a bell rings, reminding me of previous times i have eaten) these memories are so good... might as well salivate. it's my choice.

Hm I think I will do everything right from now on

Happy New Fears

And suddenly, it was raining and I was wet but it was beautiful

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Where we're going we don't need notifications.

Getting paid 250,000 dollars to write an article called “the disappearing white male poster” about how I got blocked by Jack’s frozen pizzas on Twitter 4 years ago

My car always seems a little overconfident after an oil change

The Christmas said no this year

my hair is so bright and soft and perfect

Paint me like one of your dumb fucks

What do you think you can see through

The future has never looked like this

What an insane way to live life

I can’t stop losing you - a memoir

war plans in bio

Gaslighting is memory imperialism

I think my butler might be simping me.

let’s not do serious replies to joke posts and be legends

That brief moment after you jump where you are convinced that the umbrella will gently float you to the ground.

*waking up* i’ve made a huge mistake

"use the voice" dog owners: LEAVE IT

Looking for things we could have if only we could keep them