Always take a full course of antibiotics after hearing a Kid Rock song, even if you're asymptomatic

I googled my symptoms and it appears I am just old.

I'm not sure it would help this mess we're all in but we should at least TRY offering up Wayne Gretzky as a blood sacrifice. There's literally no downside

the list of people you're willing to tolerate decreases greatly after 40

Quite frankly I don’t care if you laugh with me or at me, as long as I get you to laugh.

I just need to be a chef at the WH for one day. Just one fucking day.

Big shout out to the new physio student who walked up to one of my older coworkers today and asked if she was lost and needed help finding a nurse.

Remember when social media was just tit pics, fart jokes and silliness? I miss it. So much.

"easy, breezy, beautifu-" Hold up. You had me at, "easy."

Every Canadian must report in every 30 days as sexy.

When my dog freaked the fuck out after someone knocked on the door, I really felt that.

Sorry I can’t come I’m eating cereal.

get in loser we’re hitting rock bottom

If all this was a movie, we'd have all walked out by now.

I think, therefore I am …an idiot

Everything changes when you realize the best version of yourself is a daily choice.

I just blocked someone who said they don't like dogs. Ion need that kinda negative energy around me.

Everything went downhill after Cotton Eye Joe was released. Coincidence…I think not.

Right now the American and Canadian people are like the neighbor kids who just want to keep playing together but can't because the one parent is an asshole who just wants to fight with the other parent.

“I’ll just have the Cobb salad… With extra bacon. Oh, and extra ham. Ooh, and extra turkey. Oh, and could you put extra cheese on that? And maybe, skip the lettuce?” -me, dieting

Every disaster movie starts with scientists being ignored. Good thing we’re not doing that.

Today at work a dementia patient told me that I reminded her of her boyfriend’s wife.

I may be awkward, but not as awkward as the people running next to their dogs at the dog show.

I love how I can say, "I just saw one of those shitboxes driving on the road," and most people know what I'm talking about

I put my hair up in a ponytail when cooking, so the food knows I'm into it.

THEM: you're being irrational ME: are you flirting with me 🥰

If you took a person in the '90s and showed them 1 hour of 2025's news their hair would turn entirely white and their eyeballs would bleed.

Things I would rather do then become the 51st state: 1. Eat a bowl of banana strings with RFK approved dairy milk 2. Dive into a pool and slurp up all the bandaids like a delirious guppy 3. Only date men with coke nails 4. Live in a home that always smelled like unseasoned chicken

GHOST: [tries to haunt me] ME: [shows ghost current headlines] GHOST: I can't compete with that. Good luck.

Welcome to BlueSky Come for the jokes, leave for the political responses to the jokes.

I used to grow alarmed seeing mounted police in DC but now I secretly hope we're being invaded by Canada.

My horoscope said I’m going to meet a new man today so I stayed home

What isn't lava, at this point?!

Can you bookmark ummm…wtf do you call them here?? Bluesies?

Let’s play a game called is this the Dow Jones, Tesla stock, or Pierre Poilievre’s approval rating??

What doesn't kill you, make you darkly sarcastic.

A few nights ago my vehicle was broken into. They left my wallet but took my unopened $20 bag of beef jerky. They definitely made the right call.

Alexa, if anyone asks you ain’t seen me, capeesh?

My dog and I started a girl gang tonight. It was mostly twirling and complimenting each other.

My blood is type Ohhh

Do you remember the part in Wizard of Oz where they leave the scary forest behind and enter the beautiful Land of Oz? That’s pretty much how I feel leaving Twitter and coming here.