What was up with our grade 3 teachers?

The internet has made it possible to know everything about a stranger’s daily routine yet impossible to find a customer service phone number.

Weapons of mass destruction? Didn’t the US already use that one?

You know what you rarely hear from politicians? “My constituents say…”

Resiliency. That’s it. That’s the skeet.

If you’re happy and you know it, stay in bed If you’re happy and you know it, stay in bed If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it If you’re happy and you know it, stay in bed

Wrestled your mom in an Arby's parking lot

Saving my bangers for signal

Friendly reminder. In the United States, criminals are entitled to due process. Even if you pay hush money rig an election, steal top secret documents, or incite a mob to overthrow the government; no matter how egregious your crimes, you’re entitled to due process.

The war on Easter is more of a covert operation. Yesterday I saw a Christmas tree done up with Easter decorations in a church basement. I think it was under cover trying to get insider information on the holiday to bring back to Christmas 🤔

rip Jesus... you woulda loved RuPaul's Drag Race Superstar

guess who has three hands and just got fired from the morgue

Why is it Christians only focus on the war on Christmas? What about Easter? I’ve yet to see anyone complain about being wished a “Hoppy Holiday!”

Did you know you can just not?

batman: i bought you a drink catwoman: *smiles while slowly knocking the drink off the bar*

l just plugged the usb into my laptop, in the correct hole, on the first try. So it IS possible, guys. IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

America: Where Harvard loses its tax exempt status but the Church of Scientology doesn’t.

3 things autistic kids will actually never do: 1. Pick up a roadkill bear from the side of the road and put it in their van to eat 2. Realize they could get in trouble for eating the bear 3. Leave it in Central Park to frame a cyclist for its murder

Welcome to all my new followers. Breakfast is hot dogs at 6:15 am sharp.

I encourage everyone to show up to my funeral and make up any backstory they like.

I'm not the most avid Christian, but even I find the use of the cross as a prop when engaging in blatant falsehoods in the name of extraordinary cruelty to be offensive.

The manager at the strip joint said I was the first person he's ever seen get the zoomies in there.

Today I found out Americans deep fry ranch dressing and I’m not ok.

If you want to really rile up a Canadian tell them you’ll wear your shoes in their house.

The flaming dumpster fire in me sees the flaming dumpster fire in you.

I have very little going on in my life but somehow also too much.

Wait. This was really tweeted? Like in real life?

Gen X’s greatest revenge was having kids. They’re savage 😆

Russia stands with Ukraine.

Happy opening day I whisper to this jar of pickles

The next Signal group chat will automatically install U2’s latest album on your device.

Tbf signal war plan was my high-school band name

Putting my wordle score on my Mensa application

I hate small talk. Just tell me your childhood trauma and your top three conspiracy theories.

She’s a 10, but goes to 11 on the volume.

"I have no idea what this tastes like." - first person tasting chicken

My parents took a DNA test and I found out that I'm like 98% Anglo Saxon, so I'm trying to reconnect with my heritage by only bathing once every six months.

So anyway… How do you get to Sesame Street?

Eating cheese everyday makes the bad thoughts go away.

Horny for complete silence

Girls will be like “self care” and then lay on a bed wearing only a towel and stare at the ceiling for an hour

Good things are often born from the terrible.

Sorry I can’t come I’m eating cereal.