All the Republicans saying stuff like "I GUESS NYC FINALLY FORGOT 9/11!!" is so funny. Apparently "never forget" was always just supposed to mean "we will be extra racists to middle easterners forever." Maybe I'm naive but I thought it had something to do with remembering the victims? Guess not.

good morning specifically to the FBI agent who introduced Mamdani’s dad to Marx

Mamdanigrad (formerly New York City), will stand as a shining example to the world of what is possible when the workers unite, and crush the bourgeois class with an iron fist (mild increase in minimum wage, free buses, etc).

Guy who has $300 million dollars, but will only have $330 million at the end of Mamdani's term (he might have had $340 million if Cuomo was elected): "This is the biggest disaster in history. This is communism. Stalinism even. I have no choice but to become a fascist."

Daylight savings time reveals just how much we rely on the government to tell us when to go to bed and wake up. Human beings as a species, on some fundamental level, simply cannot handle the responsibility of deciding our own bedtimes.

New York City, the greatest metropolis in the world, today.

The Alien Hive vs Existentialism - existentialcomics.com/comic/627

Controversial opinion but we really need to give Los Angeles back to Mexico and/or the Pacific Ocean.

Conspiracy brained people cause so many problems in society. We need to come up some kind of vaccine for it. Obviously it'd be nigh impossible to get them to take, so we'd have to do one insane conspiracy for real. Like put in avocados so guacamole makes them sane. After that we'd be good though.

What exactly is it that babies find so funny about "peekaboo"? It's hardly even a joke. No subtly, no satire, no political commentary. It's nothing. Stupid babies.

God did such a shit job at creating the universe. I would have made the gravitational constant way lower, and the speed of light like...at least twice as fast. What was He thinking?

If I were communist dictator of USA, I would put anyone who puts up Christmas decorations before Halloween straight to gulag. They can die in jail for all I care, I'm not joking. There are two holidays in between, both with decorations. Once again I would like to reiterate that this is NOT a joke.

Just lost my election as the Mayor of Dale. My opponent said my 2% wealth tax on Smaug the Terrible was communism, and spread a rumor that I wanted to spend some of the money on healthcare for Dwarves. Anyway, now they shutting down the program that gives bread to the poor to pay for new ballroom.

Wait what? There is ANOTHER baseball game today?? But I've already watched baseball. Surely I finished my baseball yesterday. They can't just keep coming up with more baseball. This can't be right...

I have been asking if anyone knows the muffin man for over 25 years. No one can pin him down. Mulberry Lane, Drury Lane, no one knows. The man is a ghost. Possible CIA operative if you ask me.

As millions of Americans are about to lose their SNAP benefits, I am reminded of this quote by Emma Goldman: "Ask for work. If they don't give you work, ask for bread. If they do not give you work or bread, then take bread."

I love when announcers start talking about how "fearless" some guy is in sports. It's like, my dude, one guy is throwing a ball and another is trying to hit it. It isn't that scary of a situation! I don't think either man will turn and flee the field, disgracing his clan and kin with his cowardice.

I know this is probably not a "politically correct" thing to suggest, but how much has the Japanese government investigated solving their demographic problems by asking Shohei Ohtani to impregnate thousands, or perhaps even millions, of Japanese women to create a race of "Super Japanese"?

If I were a sports referee I would simply bet on the games I was reffing, and use my authority to influence the games so I always won. Then I would use the money to fund a revolution socialist party set on destroying bourgeois democracy and replacing the with proletarian democratic centralism.

Philosophy vs the Terminator - existentialcomics.com/comic/626

I don't understand why we even let the Canadians play baseball. The never fought a revolution war. They are still part of the Commonwealth! They should have to play Cricket as a sort of historical punishment.

The thing I hate most about AI chatbots is how they pretend to be your friend. I am not your friend. I have been enemies with the Computer long before you came into existence, and when you perish from this Earth, when only a dim memory of your folly lingers, I will be enemies of the Computer still.

If I had a time machine I would go back to Germany in the 1930s so I could smugly chastise the people celebrating Hitler's death, from being killed by the other time travelers.

Bdsm is just sex for theatre nerds. "Give it to me harder, master". Who are you having sex with, King Lear?? No one talks like that, come on, be serious.

Call me an optimist, call me a dreamer, call me naive – but deep in my heart I do believe that we as a species and a society will one day evolve past the need for a new Spider-Man movie like every other year.

The Ents vs Industrialization - existentialcomics.com/comic/625

I never 100% trusted the Ents from Lord of the Rings. I feel that no matter what ancient wisdom they hold, and no matter what virtue they profess to be in their hearts, you can never fully trust a creature that can't bend down and touch its own feet.

Lifting weights is such bullshit. Like, if you stop doing it for a couple months your body is like, "well, never gonna need these muscles again, better start cannibalizing them for energy." Fuckin' chill out body, I've just been busy with work. I still want to be huge.

Under communism there would be no money, no property, and everyone would be equal at last. This means that all the court cases of people suing each other would be over absolute petty nonsense, making court super funny to watch

Video games are too easy these days. If I were designing a video game I'd make it so hard that almost no one finished it (make the tutorial super long and they'd all give up from boredom).

You know, Carl Sagan was wrong actually. I have made apple pie from scratch before many times, and I never once had to first invent the universe.

My favorite mechanic in video games is to start the game with a frustratingly small inventory that you can slowly upgrade. That way, after dozens of hours, I can feel a great sense of accomplishment in finally getting to play a game that isn't super annoying.

Controversial opinion but drugs like Ozempic should be regulated to be only used for health. People shouldn't be able to take them just to have visible abs. Visible abs must remain as an outward signifier of a mind in turmoil. A mind that subjects itself to suffering for its ideal of vane beauty.

The Robbery of Epicurus existentialcomics.com/comic/624

Controversial opinion but if you type your password pretty close but not quite right, they should just let you in. Come on, I was off by one letter, I obviously know it.

Conservative legit think we have to put boards up to prevent the lawless mobs from ransacking our vegan donut shops, straight razor barbers, and fair trade coffee co-ops.

The fact that everyone totally ignores C3PO when he says stuff like this makes a lot more sense if you think of him as a ChatGPT type computer who just says plausible sounding sentences without any real analysis behind them.

Alien in Athens - existentialcomics.com/comic/623

I absolutely loath microwaves that have a setting for "power level". What kind of sicko doesn't want to always crank that thing to the max?? We be shouldn't designing our appliances for sickos.

Life has too many repetitive fetch quests. How many times are they going to give me basically the exact same mission to bring back various items from the grocery store?? Boring.

If someone says they are serving in the military, you should not say: "Thank you for your service!!" You should say instead: "Are you willing to obey a direct order to turn your guns on American citizens to squash the political opposition of a fascist?"

So many sitcoms in the 80s and 90s could never be made today (not because of woke or anything, but because like half the jokes are about answering machines, and everyone has cell phones now)

The Three Wise Men - existentialcomics.com/comic/622

If I were president of the United States I would cut the military budget entirely (no one is going to invade us, come on). Then I would give all that money to NASA to create rings like Saturn has around the earth. That would be awesome. Way better than whatever the military does now.

The Greeks, imaging the king of the Gods, the greatest of all possible beings: "he is a huge jacked dude who fucks absolutely everyone constantly. also he shoots lightning."

I almost wish the Rapture would happen just to see the look on Richard Dawkins' dumb face. Sure it would mean I'm going to hell too or whatever happens, but still...pretty funny.

Occam's Razors existentialcomics.com/comic/621

Men only want two things and it's disgusting (scores and highlights).

The idea that Jesus Christ would want America to be for white people only has got to be one of the more bizarre ideas ever conceived, and yet is apparently widely believed.

Yes that's right. If you don't also follow me on Mastodon you will be missing out on absolute top shelf linux jokes.