Making 67 hand gestures with my kids like it's 1999 & I'm putting the shape of an L on my forehead.

Assholes do talk shit

They need a doorbell that sounds like a threatening dog growling and it makes solicitors piss themselves.

freeze drying this extra love someone might need it someday

My corporeal form exists merely to be a Museum of Fuckery.

Little known fact: there are actually 51 ways to leave your lover, bc you can just call and break up with them.

me: is that a new coverup? her: this thing? i've had it forever. me: so it's the same old sarong her:

When there is no "lol" at the end of your sentence, then I am not sure if it was sarcastic lol

We are all of us the 52-hertz whale, singing our weird song whether we are heard or not

I guess “do you eat your mom‘s pussy out with that mouth?” wasn’t the right phrase to use for that foul language he used.

I woke up alive. Again! I rejoice in this gift of another beautiful day in this miracle of a human body with its limitless capacity for awareness, joy, delight, and pleasure. My teacup heart overflows with love for life. I serve from the saucer with humility and deep, deep gratitude. 🙏☕️🙏

Last time I stopped to think something through some beavers built a dam around me.

Do you ever hear about someone's shitty upbringing and want to go back in time and throat punch every single person who hurt them because, despite it all, they're an incredible person and didn't deserve that?

I just got back from Dubai, where I was offered 40 camels for my wife. I usually smoke Marlboros, but hey, a deal is a deal...

*gently cradling your face in my hands* kiddo, you’re not right in the ol’ noodle

They had to move the inauguration indoors because it's going to be a cold day in hell

Hello! Is it me you're looking for? *my sanity, probably

How about some cheeseburgers with all that beef ya got?

I'm not everyone's dose of microplastics.

Alexa, bend over and kiss your butt goodbye.

We were poor and couldn’t afford Slinkys so we just threw ourselves down the stairs

If she's surprised a beaver can take two carrots, imagine what she'd do if she found out what two girls can do with one cup.

If you show up at my door without an invitation I may pretend I am not at home.

me: how about a little nutmeg? meg:

🎶I'm dreaming of a white Christmas... 🎶 Wait, cum counts, right?

Mrs. Claus comes in January because Santa used all his Ho's on Christmas.

Didn’t realize I was using Oil of Olay hydrating cream until my balls started taking on a youthful glow.

Eating my fortune cookie before my entree

You probably know me better by my dj name - IB Profen.

the moon saw its shadow ushering in six more weeks of seasonal affective disorder

Skeet out with your meat out. Is this anything?

Also.. I need a goat. That’s it. Happy goat, happy life.

Shh guys I’m trying to be a more respectable account over here but y’all keep telling such good dirty jokes.

If you don’t find farts funny then you’re a loser

my sources live in my butthole if you’re doing an investigation

I'd sip hot cocoa with some of you

I wonder what it's like being attractive and getting whatever the hell you want

When I see something I like about another person, I tell them. You never know; they might be having a really bad day. Your compliment may be the only kindness they witness that day.

This day in history. 1660. Charles XI became king of Sweden. He was the fifth king of Sweden named Charles. Swedes are good at pop music, closet design, and meatballs; not math.

When she tucks you into bed she’s Katie Saygoodnightpussy

Remake of RENT where all the characters just have eczema.

*mutes “Stanley”* Sorry Mr Roper jokes…

This day in history. 1845. Poets Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning began corresponding even though her profile said "NO DMs."