Give him a Nobel Peace Prize but make it beep every time an underage girl is nearby.

These people make me laugh daily and all deserve a follow go.bsky.app/8pZS7se

Big personal news! I just sold an F-35 fighter jet to Saudi Arabia

BREAKING: Bill to release the Moleman Files passes the House 427 - 1. Subterraneous Q. Burrow (R - The Underkingdom) was the only no vote

when I was a kid my dad could have kicked my ass because he was an adult. now I could kick my dad’s ass because he’s old. but there was one day between then and now when we were exactly evenly matched. the father/son convergence

ask your doctor if lying down in the forest to be consumed by the earth is right for you

hot dogs could be a thanksgiving side

In Super Mario Odyssey, kicking things is Mario's highest priority, overriding all other actions. If a kickable object, such as a football, is thrown at Mario while he is asleep, he will momentarily wake up just to kick it before instantly going back to sleep.

[seeing that my wife has started buying cauliflower again] looks like it's time for another diss track

I said no needles. I meant no needles.

Wild that detectives and trained dogs can find human remains in the wilderness based on scant clues but my husband and kids can't find the ketchup in the fridge in the same spot it always is

I’m not running late. I’m arriving in dramatic fashion.

the only “grey lady” I respect is the spirit who sobs in the corner of my bedroom from 2-3am each night

(watching any Jurassic Park movie) when does the whistle blow so they can slide down the brontosaurus neck

To my moots who watch “The Bear,” I’d sit under the table with all of you

You're out there somewhere, Beer Barron, and I'll find you.

I put “flexible” on my resume because I cry in different locations.

UNACCEPTABLE! #AdventureTime

Normally, NPCs in Mario games are bothered very little by Mario attacking them, to make the interaction seem harmless. However, in Bowser's Fury, the way the mother cats' animations work result in them crying specifically as a result of being attacked, making Mario appear cruel.

whoa, ouroboros, you must be hungry

conversely butter can’t believe it’s you

If overthinking burned calories, I’d be translucent.

this is a sith lightsaber, from the war. I keep it on a shelf right next to my stormtrooper armor and imperial officer’s uniform. I’ve even got a verified chunk of the death star from yavin. I’m just a collector. I just think the history is interesting. no, I don’t have any rebel stuff

me: everything bagel plz him: even war? me: onion bagel plz

This is discrimination against impatient people

I’m not avoiding my problems. I’m giving them space to grow into bigger, more impressive problems.

my eight-month-old son won't drive a car. i set him in the driver's seat, buckle him in, even put the key in the ignition for him, and he just sits there and smiles at me. i'm at my wit's end

this is like drake and kendrick lamar but they're both drake

Thought my cat was fighting the sliding glass door but it was a fearless baby bun bun she wanted to hug probably.

State of Wait.

It’s like no one at this funeral appreciates ventriloquism.

I'm doing my best, which unfortunately varies wildly by the hour.

tai chi is short for taiwanese chicken

just met a bald guy named harry. everything is a lie

don’t mind if i do

I'm nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

put some extra characters in movies: thread

the hard truth is, millions of young men in america are addicted to gambling on their phones. if we want to recapture their demographic we must pass legislation that makes it illegal for them to lose at gambling

Is Bluesky dying? Tune in tonight where I will post about farts and then manually count the likes.

looking for a new dr who’ll prescribe me egg mcmuffins

once again I am asking you for a like to feed my dopamine addiction (non tax deductible)

I’m not a morning person or a night owl. I’m some kind of permanently confused pigeon.

Three days into an all-inclusive vacation.

(receiving new information) sorry, but if any of that were true I would have heard of it

[first date] HER: what's your favorite food? ME: spareribs, bacon, really any type of pork HER: oh me too ME: yeah you could say I'm polyhamorous HER: *signals for the bill*

Old man yells at cloud

I take comfort in the fact that there's someone out there making worse decisions than me.