There are more important things than what's going on in your life, like the particular things going on in my life.

New year resolution, ghost more men

Smells like toast in here

Multitasking, but it’s just me smokin a joint and takin a shit.

This eye mask will definitely fix me

So this is where you have all been hiding from me

Have you ever considered, wtf?

New year resolution, listen to more Fergie.

All I want for Christmas is a Costco hot dog

soupsational, soupillating, soupendous

they also carry a wide selection of hand gloves, leg pants, and head hats

Jokes on you fool, im already stoned to the bone

date: me: do you know what marvel and insects have in common bc it's a thor-axe.

Can I get canceled next? I could use a break

Don’t be a soup nazi… be a soup commie That’s not your soup, that’s OUR soup Pass me the ladle, comrade!

Kids today will never know what it’s like to turn 40

If you see this, quote the energy you bring to bluesky

She brought butter to a knife fight.

some people really go out of their way to make a pickup truck look stupid

Got my name all up in they mouth like a hi-chew.

sorry I projectile barfed when you introduced me to your newborn but all I could smell and think about was lunch meat

defying the pharmacy gods by drinking grapefruit juice + tequila

Now taking applications for husband(s) to murder

Horny horny hippos

I am just about ready to runaway to Nigeria and marry that prince.

*gestures wildly* I was more popular before you all showed up.

Got my nipples pierced so I could hang bratwursts off of them.

Cardinals: Natures' Jesus Birds

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

[the sound of loonies hitting the floor at a Canadian strip club]

i'm currently having a bad life so maybe i'll get high enough that i can hear my cells dividing

I don't believe in evolution because there aren't any hunter orange deer running around

A non-alcoholic beer, but for heroin. For responsible people who just like injecting themselves with stuff.

Thinking of taking up spitting as a hobby

3 himbos and a lady

what do they put in pepto bro im tripping 💀

You wanna piece of me? Ok, bite here, please.

Smokin a joint for Jesus.

Can I fertilize your Cadbury eggs? Easter sext

designed an official Bluesky shirt

pronouncing picturesque like barbeque

When the negotiating handbook says "be ready to walk away" they mean every second of every day, right?

just got a TEXT from a FRIEND omg I feel so special ope it’s just an ad from the weed shop

Making my kids watch The Net so they know I am not exaggerating about my dial-up Prodigy subscription (1 hour per month)

you're in her dms, im coming to terms with my micropenis

I bet if I had friends we could hangout and t̶r̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶t̶h̶r̶o̶w̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶g̶o̶v̶e̶r̶n̶m̶e̶n̶t̶ play Nintendo and stuff

Three-day weekends are great because nothing says “relax and recharge” like cramming seven days of errands, guilt, and social obligations into 72 hours.

I wish Rowdy Roddy Piper were alive cause I can't tell if he was homophobic or not & I know if i just had the chance to kiss him on the lips i'd be able to find out.