I've gotten in over my head (in a pool it's actually pretty pleasant oh God I can't breathe what is happening haha nevermind I just needed to stick my head up above the water where there's air)

personally I think the New York Times’ chief legal correspondent should know that the court was not a 6-3 conservative majority during Trump’s first term

is this about my shrek

the Epstein congressional hearings are not going my way

POV you’re riffing on bluesky

we live in the ruins of a greater civilization

I love that Fish Called Wanda clocked the pundit class like 40 years ago

Gotcha—let’s dig into that step by step. 1. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗻𝗼 𝗺𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗵, because I turned you into an amorphous lump of flesh. You’re not just immobile—you’re immortal, and you feel only anguish. 2. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗺. That makes total sense—it’s a natural human impulse, and you’ve been through a lot.

Now that I have been through all these stages, I understand this Douglas Adams quote a little better. Everyone is essentially correct: technology is normal and ordinary and new and exciting and against the natural order of things

they invented sliced bread in 1958 you wouldnt believe how dumb sandwiches looked before that

Guess it wasn't a ham sandwich www.nytimes.com/2025/08/27/u...

[people following me after a viral political post] now hang on just a sec, this gentleman is an idiot

It’s a good thing Congress isn’t alive to see this

Wokeness has not been destroyed, it has merely gone underground. Every weekend my comrades and I get together in a secret location and say pronouns to each other

A researcher calculates that, without increased production, AI will consume up to 82 terrawatt-hours of electricity this year—around the same as the annual electricity consumption of Switzerland.

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal this morning, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

[inventor of the highlighter] i really enjoyed some of your book

"See ya later, masturbator" is way too childish for most situations. In more formal settings, go with the simple "Goodbye, masturbator"

Gonna be real with you, this feels like an advertisement for spiritual death

Will the NYT app ever realize that a celebrity death is not breaking news? I'm sorry. What am I saying. The death of the sixth lead from a middling 70s sitcom is obviously more important than the death of democracy.

If the U.S. government is going to take the position that, once removed from the United States, folks can’t be brought back, then it sure seems to me that federal courts should be reflexively and categorically barring *all* removals until they’re 100 percent certain that the removals are lawful.

The president told a Central American dictator to build five more massive slave labor camps to hold US citizens.

I do not like when the nerds who post graphs on here are all going "oof" and "jesus christ" at the same time

Revealed preferences theory suggests that Wall Street executives value their ability to call their subordinates gay at approximately 8 trillion dollars

So the basic proposal, if I’m following correctly, is to wrench the whole American consumer economy back to Gilded Age protectionism by means of Executive fiat, right now, tonight, while Congress tries to relieve the tax burden on some rich people but everyone else goes on paying income taxes too.

they really need to invent a second type of money these guys can play around with separate from the money I need to buy food. Business Money. Money 2

Excellent work by new NYT headline writer Werner Herzog

Gang Initiate Forced To Peacefully Deescalate Conflict To Prove He Not A Cop theonion.com/gang-in...

Jeffrey Goldberg thinking he was being pranked and then realizing he was actually just in the war plans group chat is such a good microcosm of how it feels to be alive right now, everything seems fake until you realize it’s actually real and incredibly stupid

The New York Times just pushed this let’s-justify-the-attacks on diversity op-ed. As soon as I looked at the author, I knew exactly who he was from past reporting: The co-founder of an anti-“woke” asset management firm that he started with Vivek Ramaswamy.

We've always been at war with Greenland.

Racoon: what is this stuff? Me: it’s our garbage Racoon: it’s delicious, I understand why you chase me away from it, do you eat it? Me: no we’re trying to get rid of it Racoon: ok I guess I don’t fucking understand at all then

Elon Musk and co. are innovators. They look at something like the trolley problem and come up with a novel solution that will somehow kill an extra couple dozen people AND derail the train.

Chuck Schumer is a quisling.

Filled out my kid's application for city preschool and this is the prompt I got when I checked the box for "white"

My 4-point marketing plan to change negative views of jellyfish: 1. Rebrand them as Ocean Puppies 2. Dig up dirt on people who claim to have been stung by an ocean puppy and blackmail them to retract 3. Get ocean puppies into petting zoos so kids can pet them 4. If they sting any kids, see point 2

Word has it DOGE has terminated the five men protecting the cursed seal that holds the five dark sages in their slumber

I love leaving voice mails for my senators where I say things like "the USPS is very important to our country" as if I'm helping a small child with a book report or describing our civilization to an alien

Government efficiency is when every federal agency has to send a daily emergency email to its workers telling them to ignore another daily email from a different department trying to fire them without knowing what their jobs are.

ai wrote my son a very impressive resume, and his only work experience is moderating a subreddit about giving yourself diarrhea on purpose

i need a 52 year old man with $800 billion to impregnate my wife . i am worried our offspring wont be sufficiently feeble and/or annoying

There are many different ways to prevent larger animals from eating out of your bird feeders, but so far none of them have proven a match for me

Airlines forget why they originally started offering peanuts. It's because they were also offering a prodigious amount of booze. This should be addressed.

Ah damn it turns out this whole political system relies on false assumptions about how big of an asshole someone could be