Scientists are calling this the most metal shit they’ve ever seen

it's that time.

At the Pub Quiz. Why is there always a team called "Birds of a Feather?"

My latest books cartoon for @theguardian.com. Many more here: www.theguardian.com/profile/tom-gauld

Strong possibility, that rather than being autistic I may actually be a vampire. Strong aversion to daylight Specific food preferences Need very clear invitation to enter someone else's home

YOU’RE LISTENING TO SISYPHUS FM, THE HOME OF NON-STOP ROCK

First #parkrun since the Great Bristol 10k and it's a change of scenery. Visiting Blaise Castle parkrun today.

Stone age hospital drama. We know they practiced healthcare, now show me enemies-to-colleagues doctors talking fast while they find moss for a poultice

In good company for the #GreatBristolRun 10k

Can't prove this but maybe the reason for Attenborough's longevity is that whenever Paddington arrives to shepherd his soul on, he fends him off with his powers of nature narration. "The perplexed ursine psychopomp withdraws, his hunt unsuccessful. Perhaps a 1970s bass player will make easier prey."

evangelicals have finally created. the golden calf. from the classic bible story “don’t create a golden calf”

Decent #parkrun today. A lovely warm-up for the Bristol 10K tomorrow.

Neck and neck promotion fight in Hell's Ironic Punishments Division between the devil who cursed Reform voters with the agony of living in areas run by Reform councilors, and the imp who cursed Reform council candidates with actually having to do the hard, boring, thankless jobs they campaigned for.

Every General Election, Panini should bring out a parliament sticker album.

This kind of mixed use urban planning is illegal in America

Me: so is Wario also just a rational, political animal? Or is there something about being the inverted version of another man that would cause him to have a different ontology Aristotle: an interesting question. How does he achieve his eudaemonia? Me: coins I think. Not too sure actually

Good #parkrun today.

Women will swear they aren’t red-tailed hawks and then text “bring voles” at 3:00AM

i don’t ask for much, all i ask for is some internal consistency of where peter crouch lives in the advertising crouch-iverse

Today's #parkrun went better than last week's but still a bit harder than usual (think I'm still missing some blood...)

restoring balance to my gut biome by reintroducing gray wolves

Giving blood 36 hours before #Parkrun is Galaxy Brain tier reverse doping. Do I look less plethoric than usual?

I'm downsizing my cardiovascular system, donating some red blood cells I wasn't using anyway.

Lucy van Pelt has finally gone too far. But she will be brought to justice

ChatGPT: you’re right you’re so much smarter than him. He’s so schlubby and you’re so suave. Columbo will never catch you.

first in my bloodline to see someone get excommunicated by a community note

why are you, as a man, not as swift as a coursing river with all the force of a great typhoon and all the strength of a raging fire?

After two weeks, that was tough #parkrun

"i could probably pilot a ship through the straight of hormuz" -next big thing 80% of men secretly believe about themselves

Lethal amounts of heartburn at yoga tonight. 💀

please enjoy these classic Moon Tweets™

Ah, you see, augury via cassowary means divination using the haruspex's own entrails. Hope that helps.

"Bunch of guys obsessed with Ancient Sparta can't beat the Persians at sea" was probably one of the known-knowns, come to think of it.

A friend went round to his neighbours’ for Eid last night and apparently the wife slightly panicked about hosting white people because she disappeared for a couple of minutes and came back with half a pint of whisky for him. This, to me, is multiculturalism

I'm at the tail end of a cold today so no #Parkrun heroics. Still did #Parkrun obviously.

Taking Annual Leave the week of World Book Day turned out to be a shrewd move. Actually have time to work on The Boy's costume.

I did not have the energy for a 5k run this morning. Fortunately, half of Ashton Court #parkrun is downhill

Happy 30th birthday to all Pokemons who like dancing to Enya

╭━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━╮ 　はじめまして！ 　ポケット　モンスターの　せかいへ　▼ ╰━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━╯ #ポケモン30周年

Pokémon Winds and Waves has been officially announced as Generation 10! #Pokemon30thAnniversary

"Apocalypse no: how almost everything we thought we knew about the Maya is wrong" "For many years the prevailing debate about the Maya centred upon why their civilisation collapsed. Now, many scholars are asking: how did the Maya survive?"

ok. does anyone know if it's twice per athlon or every two athlons

*Blows cigarette smoke right in the face of people who just woke up to the news* "We already did all the jokes"

5 months old yet still topical.

ME: I knew Pagliacci was a stage name, but the joke didn't work unless I pretended it was his real name. CHOTINER: So you misrepresented the doctor. M: Well, I didn't know it would be popular. It was just for our followers. C: Right. It's okay to lie when it's only close friends. M: Hold on

Forty years after the Challenger disaster, engineers who fought to stop the launch still grapple with the guilt of "what if." The tragedy remains a definitive lesson in the danger of prioritizing management goals over engineering truths and the fatal cost of silencing dissenting voices.

More members of Liz Truss's cabinet are in Reform than in Badenoch's shadow cabinet...

holy shit the grink predates christ

very well then. send as many men as you can spare. and fresh horses for all of them (covering the phone and leaning over to talk to my wife, the queen) an egg fell. off a wall