We are the Sons of the Mumfords you couldn’t burn

farting hard or hardly farting, gorgeous?

Kevin, would you mind showing your ass to the group? Beautiful, thank you, Kevin.

It’s inaccurate to say Mario is brave and Luigi is cowardly Luigi is afraid of death, so he runs away from danger. Mario is afraid of living, so he runs towards death. Both brothers are cowards in their own way

It's my answer every time for this: National identity is, with some exceptions, more modern than the steam engine.

Monday: The Workman's Curse Tuesday: The Day of Bastards Wednesday: Heavy is the Burden of Sisyphus Thursday: The Second Day of Bastards Friday: Business in the Front, Party in the Back Saturday: Me Old Ham, My Good Time Charlie Sunday: Fairweather Friend

Graduating high school before ChatGPT is like having a brain made of recovered steel from warships old enough to not have been weakened by atomic bomb isotopes.

He looks like if The Matrix was about being cis.

White grandpa seeing two guys grind on each other on a F-100

Unlimited jihad on all sports gambling apps

zoe i have new orders

Rest in PISS Adam Scott!! Parks and Rec was shit. THe cancer ate you!! The Vultures Invade The Cathedral At Your Wake and everyone cheers. You never grew a full beard! You never had Gosling drawing power! HA! Pancreatic Cancer!!! Wait, what? whoops. sorry was just trying to fit in. i hate dilber

…and they cut Trebek’s line when they aired the episode so my story ends abruptly with no punchline.

…and the audience full of elementary school kids collectively gasped…

…Alex Trebek cut me off and said “If you tell me that your cat beats you at chess I’m going to beat you within an inch of your life”…

…which was “but my cat’s not very good - I win most of the time”…

…and before I could get to the punchline…

…which was that every time I tried to play one of my cats would start batting around the pieces…

…on one of my episodes I had a story about how “I play chess with my cat”…

…so I’m one of the reasons pet stories are not allowed on Jeopardy any more…

Alex Trebek once threatened to beat me within an inch of my life…

The Count loading shells into a sawed off 'Vun, Two, Tree' Elmo going full metal jacket muttering A is for Ammo as he oils an AR-15 Burt and Ernie digging up the basement and hauling out a weapons locker theyd promised each other never to touch again

2 Zoo 2 Topia

10 minutes of audience research would have revealed that there is no threat emptier to indiana than "no more roads"

In relationships, it’s important to remember the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Capt. Jones and I'll be your pilot today and, uh damn that's a lot of buttons. That's a lot of fucking buttons

watching the hunt for red october right now is praxis

its called runescape because when you meet someone who plays it you RUN to ESCAPE

I dont 'worship' odin you fool. Do you worship the wolf when he has your neck in his jaws? You moron? No! I fear odin, as do all wise men

Imagine the Illusive Man from Mass Effect saying this

i kissed trudeau and i liked it / his face black with bright red lipstick

It's a clown connected device. Just upload it to the clown

TODAY IS THE ONLY DAY YOU CAN REPOST THIS!!!

Oops! We Were Trying to Do All Berries This Time But It Ended Up Being Just Normal Cap'n Crunch

more cereals should pretend to be an accident. Oops! All Raisin Bran

Uh Oh... I Hope You're OK With Corn Pops

Oh Great It's Doing That Thing Again Where It Only Makes Wheaties

I am hearing that on his deathbed Charlie Kirk received the light of Islam and unhesitatingly recited the Shahāda. Even now he looks down on the Ummah from the gardens of Jannah. Truly there is no god but God, and Mohammed is his prophet!

To: All - Intercompany From: Maintenance Subject: Metamorphosis Body: To whom it may concern, The entire maintenance department is rockabilly now. Please adjust your files as needed Sincerely, Thick Dick Rick and the Husky Boys

kevin mcallister immediately setting off all his traps in sequence so, when harry and marv break in, the house is completely destroyed and there's an extremely dead kid on fire by the back door

short about working at the coast guard

"they said have you tried turning her off and turning her back on again, i said, how about i meet you halfway"

[Leonard Cohen voice] I’ve heard there was a secret chimp

NOTHIN BETTER THAN LIVE TV