I don't like these nasty girls who are out there trying to give out BJs. Just a nice peck on the side will do. Zip right back up. Thank you very much.

They should go back to the new Cracker Barrel redesign during this ICE shit. They're not going to get as worked up the second time around. It's cleaner, there's new market share just sitting there. They're dumb cows. Just do things two times in a row. Hey. ' "ICE" Spice ' Is that something?

My opps. The Very appropriately named GOOFY. Kid Cudi. Meghan B*tchess of Sussex (sorry) Goomba. ticks. 2026 they all fall. They're scheming. I'm peering around corners. Bang bang. Goofy fans gathered around the memorial.

Hello. You looked so beautiful eating your dinner I just had to come over. A few MBs recently opened up on Ye Olde Smartphone. I was wondering if the bonny lass had any Android Apps suggestions? I've taken the liberty of preloading the Play Store.

Hilary Duff’s New Single Is About ‘When Life Is Life-ing, Babe’ Yeah, well she's looking her age in the video. Too bad. Hmmm, maybe too many Chardonnays. Her body looks amazing. I'm guessing Pilates. Personal trainer, the works. Just really rough otherwise. Really rough. Old piece of driftwood.

With proper consent obtained the day before there is nothing more intimate and beautiful than observing your sleeping partner's asshole through a kaleidoscope.

The year is 2026. Whole milk has just been politicized. A creamy banner for the right. Donald Trump Jr. enjoying whole milk. Glugging fatty milk down his twisted gullet. There's creamy milk in his beard. There's splattered creamy milk on his cheekbone. There's a knife to his neck. There's the end.

My mom has shown signs of early dementia. We use flashbangs on her all the time. They should NOT be used on the general public.

We never say good morning to each other on here. Nice little good mornings to each other all over the timeline. That would be sweet. Instead it's evil troops. This hate, the pain of this world, Schumer's latest follies. Agh. Drives me crazy. Well good morning from me to you. Sweet jam and scones.

Would it be bad if ICE just went around being really nice to white people? That would be racist for Stephen Miller or whatever and at the same time cease deportations. I don't think it would be bad at all. Ice cream snickers bar, the Simple Dap. Beard looks great Dave. Love the Darn Tough Socks!

I hope everyone in the Russian Ukrainian war stays safe.

I've got a little Indian in the Cupboard sitch going on with a VERY attractive female influencer who just happens to be in her early 20s. She is just very small is all. I don't know what to do. No real endgame. Terrarium.

Owwwwww I have internal bleeding. I habe internal bleeding everywhere. It hurts sooooo bad. I need ice cream from Haagen DAaz and Jeni's. Oh i can feel it internally in my tummy. I need caramel Bari Bear. Caramel crunchies please. Internal band-aids.

They should do a Heated Rivalry but with ICE agents. All of the ICE agents. Entire department giving into desire and going wild on each other. Migrants are at peace! Get out ice! Go be gay!

I wish I could go to Heaven to bring God presents.

Approaching middle age Sled guy here. Catch me on the hill! I love sledding :)

Representative Lola Bunny (D) dude imagine. Actually working for change. I could read about her goings on instead of Hakeem Jeffry and his ilk. Pleasing the donor class. Lola, real leftist. Oh god. She is so FUCKING hot. Wish it was real. I have hope for this country. Cuz it is real. Her name is AOC

Aw that sucks. Paul Bunyan and Babe the big blue ox are both on the ICE agent list. That is such a disappointment. So is Belladonna. Belladonna is an ICE agent now. Oh jeez. Oh me oh my.

Rest in PISS Adam Scott!! Parks and Rec was shit. THe cancer ate you!! The Vultures Invade The Cathedral At Your Wake and everyone cheers. You never grew a full beard! You never had Gosling drawing power! HA! Pancreatic Cancer!!! Wait, what? whoops. sorry was just trying to fit in. i hate dilber

They didn't find Scott Adams for days. Dilbert ate most of his body.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scott Adams died slowly and horribly of prostate cancer but it's great because he was a shitty fucking guy. I don't know. All this man.....who cares. Dilbert's alone. That's sad. THe kids in Gaza, maybe a couple of 'em read Dilbert comps. I don't fucking know. Yeah fuck Scott Adams

When despair descends upon the timeline and news of the day brings woe even more reason for mirth and merriment! ICE's folly shall be met with frivolity and the jig of the wild jester! A Riddle! Q: How can you place a pencil on the floor so that no one can jump over it? A: Put it next to a wall.

what if it was Toonces

Waxing my dick shaft tonight. Gotta get her back. Hard wax beads and a Coleman camping stove. The films of Director Tarr. I choose life over death.

Minnesota residents rallying together and chasing the ICE woodchipper out of local neighborhoods upon sightings

"it's bad" HOW ABOUT TAKE ME INSTEAD OF MADURO. Big surprise. I don't see any of you coming forth to DOJ on here and offering yourself in exchange for Venezuela's rightful ruler. "Oh my Steam Catalogue. I have to feed Mr Banana Bun. Naimoshen Tzen II has new episodes coming out" FUCK YOU! Step up!

Libdami asleep at the fuckin' wheel. Browsing on freakin Boots.com in UNION SQUARE while JSOC moves on Caracas. Thanks for nothing.

I do this really cool trick when I wipe my ass. It's based. Ok, first I roll the toilet paper out really fast, I raise it way above my head with my right arm and yank OH Fuck they invaded Venezuela and captured Nicolas Maduro. Ok, I'll come back to this wiping tek later. Jeez Louise. Wow.

Gamer's Wisdom. You're always retro gaming if you're not gaming in the now. Use the controller to move your guy around. Play the game like you're making love to the developers. Because you are. Peace.

Drats. All out of doilies. How am I supposed to cum tribute the Saudi strikes on Yemen by blasting my Sephiroth figurine without getting cum all over my dining table?

Unbelievably funny. Rest in Peace.

I'm having a little bit of a meltdown. Put the car in park halfway through the carwash. Emergency brake is on. Rolled all the windows down to hide my tears with the suds. Drenched. I miss her. They don't know what to do. I won't get out. The towel man left. He can't stand the anguish of my screams.

Seatbelts? Still? 2025 and people are still falling for this shit. The auto industry pushing needless fabric on scared rubes. The body naturally protects itself by bracing up during automobile accidents. FACT. If you get in my car and put your seat belt on I will unfasten it immediately. FREE SPEECH

I'm really good at those Klackers. I'm always klacking.

Bought a pack of Marlboro Lights and put them up for sale on Etsy individually. Look up "Cig Stolen From Your Fav Influencers" Seller is EtsyJester. I also sell Cig ribbons. Tiny silk ribbons you tie around your cigarette. I think they look really nice.

I'm quite intrigued by the films of Kubrick. His film making technique is right up my alley. The lighting on his great period piece is extraordinary. Michael Claymore. Uh. Redcoat's Picnic. Barton Fink? Hold on. I can get it. It's something like Ernest Treadwell, right? Anyways. You like Confucious?

Hi. I keep getting disconnected from the dispatcher. I need you to transfer me directly to STATE TROOPER Pitts. I am done talking to the Sheriff's office. There is a crime on Google Image going on right now. Miscreants have done something very evil to the tea bear. Involves drugs. HELP!! NOW!!!

Megafauna? Giant Sloth? Oh, they found the tunnels? We probably all make a big deal about that since it actually wasn't that long ago. Kids must love megafauna! Wear a bunch of megafauna shit all the time? I'm covering my car in bumper stickers calling out this fake ass bullshit

I'm buying a food truck. It's just going to be the Evil Wall at the convenience store. If you need ZenXMongoose dick pills, condoms, expired Delta 9, or a switchblade come through. Also, lobster rolls. I'll be parked in the brewpub parking lot.

I had to "go in" to my family this Christmas and tell them I identify as cis het now because I came out to them last year when I was on a ton of pills lmao. they were all rolling their eyes so hard. ay yi yi. I think it's interesting! It's important to me! My Journey

We Put MakeUp On The Dead to Trick our Blind God into Lusting after The Sexy Corpse. THAT is who is allowed past the gates of HEAVEN. Slutty Red Lipstick. Open Casket. Plump Dead Titties. Whaddya say big guy? Spray the makeup off with a garden hose to the face afterwards. Sorry about your Aunt.

I'm putting up my 25 foot tall bright yellow 'J A N U A R Y' inflatable in the middle of my yard next week. Just the letters spelling out the month. Main feature of my property, these cheap balloons. Your eye will be forced to it every single morning as you drive to work.

Well I may be an uncle but your generation uses UNCreative insults. So who's the real UNC? Noah. Little fuck. I listen to trap. Why do you all have such full wavy hair? With all the pollution

(reading the news to my wife) Huh, so they're coming out with a new Serum, which is only to be sold in extremely tiny glass bottles. Perhaps due to its concentrated powerfulness

In Raelynn's classic "I only want you for Christmas" the lyrics Send North To The Pole refer to the letter she does not send to Saint Nick. I admit, I was utterly confounded by this choice of words for some time. Merry Christmas Everyone!

Can never think of any observations or so called jokes for my stand up. I just rip off old Ellen show monologues I watch in my car 10 mins before. Who cares. The cokehead degenerates who run these things are too busy trying to fuck the young female comics to notice i'm just doing old Ellens verbatim

Unless you think bits and bytes are festive and of good cheer the generative AI data center is about the last place I’d go wassailing. The town square? Currently filled with merry gentleman, lights, decorations and is absolutely popping off. Hmm. Makes me think the AI bubble is about to burst.