Telling my new personal trainer that I need to get seriously ripped because I sleep in the fetal position. He is so chill and totally gets it.

Trying to take a pic of me snuggling with my cat for a new avatar so when I send Therese at Barstool Outdoors a birthday card with Money Inside she comes and visits me but the fucking thing keeps try8ing to jump away when I do the selfies. I'm literally bleeding. Fucking nightmare.

Walter Cronkite: From Tempe, Arizona the flash apparently official it has been confirmed that Clavicular was brutally frame mogged at 2:00 pm Eastern Standard Time some 38 minutes ago. Vice President Lyndon Johnson will take the oath of office and become the 36th President of the United States.

Jeff Epstein, biggest jerk going. Leaves a tarnished legacy to say the least

It would be so fun to hunt biohacker Bryan Johnson with a crossbow

I'm too shy to be smoking that Kush

Q: What's the only thing that gets wetter the more ya scrub it with a big ol' damn towel? A: Pussy Angel Number: 444 Free preview of my Pussy Riddle of the Day Angel Number Calendar Patreon. 20 a month gets you a riddle every day where the solution is Pussy alongside an Angel Number

How do you leverage social media brand identity for improved SEO results if you believe you are dead and entrapped in some sort of hell bardo? Any of the ghosts behind the screen names on here have any tips?

getting further and further enraged at brian eno's 'oblique strategies'

‪ Futa Zone: Lewd Control would appear as a demon that would dance upside down on the ceiling to peasants in the middle ages. These days it manifests in my reality as a video game in the "Steam charts"

Trapped in the prison of mind and flesh with no means of escape but Yoshi is in here too??? Yoshi's Island, SMW.....what the fuck

I wonder if kids are scared rn. Having bad dreams about Malcom Gladwell. Chomsky chasing them down a dark hallway that goes forever. Parents have to have the talk. If you see a state representative just start running until you get to our front door. If a Senator visits school hide under your desk.

reading my morning social media: [GreY ALien smoking weed inside Miami Heat Arena] [AI picture of woman's head emerging from a cake that looks like cum] [jelly roll getting out of helicopter] [Epstein on swingset] [Schumer drops the ball again!] [Evil Hypnotism involving woman's buns] [A Corpse]

if she has sea monkeys inside of her "squirt" it's damn sure not piss

denim jeans can be a computer case. just wrap up a mobo, connect the gpu, ram+processor of course. all inside a pair of jeans. might stave off the darkness for a time

They put the Groundhog in chains this year. Invisible chains called late stage capitalism. I turned my back when he was released.

i have a twin sized water bed. i got the nelly band-aid under my eye. I was born in the Freedom Tower. I don't watch porno I make silly putty look like a P and jack off to that no hands. They have no idea I'm ripping off Nelly with my white band-aid lmao. Too Easy. Off to my workout.

i just bombed so hard at winking. i said Yo when i winked. i waved hello involuntarily. back to the mirror for more practice. put on my Gunna. i can do this.

What's up bro? Took a pic of you. My new homescreen. My dude! Nice to meet ya. Your politics are my politics. Go along to get along. I like you. I think you dropped something. Your Superman cape bro. We could be boys. I don't know. Maybe though.

Hey Dave - it's me Epstein. Do you want to hang out? Epstein! You bastard!!! You sick son of a bitch! You leave those kids alone! You are single-handedly corrupting every dignitary in the fucking world! Cease and desist punk! I've had it up to here with your child trafficking! Kick rocks, ya creep!

It's just God emailing themself <3 Walking each other home the Duchess of York and Dr Attia lost their way. They became pedophiles </3

I didn’t weep once at the model train show. I cried. Tears of joy at the beauty. The Beauty. So much beauty. A lie I’m posting on Bluesky.

It is 2026 doctors should NOT call it a "C-Section".

I wish I was in Goldilocks and the three bears so bad. Just as a background player. Not involved in the main plot

It was all Crowder, Crowder, Crowder. He had one bad set, wore one too many miniskirts and next thing you know the flags were at half mast and Erika Kirk is now the fifth richest woman in America.

I am so desperate to experience true love in my daily life in a way that I have never felt before but there are constraints and hurdles in reality that leave me completely frustrated and wanting to give everything up. I just want love.

I'm sooo bored. Let's RP a picnic on here. The digital checkered tablecloth stretches for miles. All are welcome! I'm unpacking the picnic basket. I take out a delicious treat. It's a fresh baguette. I smear honey and cream cheese on the french bread and pass it to @jay.bsky.team What did you bring?

Ilhan Omar deserves a damn massage ! Doesn't have to be a constituent from Minnesota either. An oily doily massage from a white guy with a little beard who stans the squad! She's going to be scarred for life. She's going to attack AOC's DSA hubby on sight

With all due respect a gentleman's crisp suit is more appealing to the eye than a nasty white creampie coming out of a B.

The only politician that should be sprayed is President Donald J. Trump. With silly string. It would go well with his policy making decisions.

The sport I want to watch is a bloated writhing Leviathan heaving it's twisted form upon the shore and giving birth to my 30 favorite athletes. Not some Serb swinging a racquet with a fuzzy little yellow ball. TENNIS! I HATE WATCHING TENNIS!!! THIS JAIL ONLY SHOWS TENNIS!!!!!

The Cindy Crawford Tarot Deck I'm creating has a mind of it's own. Cindy C in a red Corvette. What does that even mean? I'm going on an adventure? I don't do the king of fantasy island BS. Just Cindy Cindy Cindy. In bikinis. At the mall, pic from People Mag 1996. No Pentacles or whatever. Out soon.

Don't.Spray.Women.

Bunch of white guys on here talking about rare manga and shit. Videogames! I honor black women's bodies. Beautiful, dark curved torso of a black woman. I don't know where to begin with the hair. The beauty of the Earth. Zoom scroll down to black women's hair on google Earth. Would that I could.

There ARE some good ICE agents. Otherwise, astrology is a complete sham! Jupiter and Venus square in the third house, they're just doing their jobs.

The Square Reader. Capitalism's sex toy. Tap here to CONSUME.

It would make more sense if women only had diarrhea. Commensurate with their complicated sloughing and menses in the front. Only at night. "It's twilight, I'm having my diarrhea." Also, their asshole should have a bunch of strange folds. Ya know, like their pussies. Men should have the simple hole.

hell yeha

there's this yogo instructor named Bristol she gives top like a gnome and bangs a gong. When participating in a CT DSA space individuals should mindful & aware of the purpose of this space. Avoid approaching other comrades with intentions outside of the shared purpose, without receiving verbal, ac

In case anyone was wondering how it’s going over on American Girl doll Instagram

Raceplay. It sounds fun, but it's anything but. I'm Lesley Stahl and this is 60 Minutes.

Looking for Mamacita to Free the Petco Animals with Me This world is broken!!!!! this world is fucked! Something has to change. I can't take this anymore. Looking for a beautiful Latina to hold the Petco doors open as I free the Snakes, Fish, and Gerbils of Petco into the cold night air. I am Love

Anime is placebo. It's real people. As soon as you hear the word anime you start seeing these strange cartoons. You get excited. You get aroused. You get really close to the screen. You're dating the anime girls in your mind. It's all placebo effect. American actors on a set. Every time.

No ICE! No KKK! No cucking me on my birthday! No ICE! No KKK! No cucking me on my birthday! No ICE! No KKK! No cucking me on my birthday!

real joy is being at the hookah lounge with your meetup book club. just give the address. don't mention hookah bar. depose of the old moderator of book club with a mighty puff of hookah and the "pistol reveal" this is where we meet now. "The 5 People You Meet In Heaven" by Mitch Albom chapter 1...

Another typical Trump admin botch job. Mixed up ICE detention center and the Las Vegas Sphere. Illegally detaining an entire stadium of immigrants and forcing them to watch a Phish show. 70,000 Phish fans being let off a cargo plane in Venezuela just as the mushrooms and molly are wearing off.

What's the move here? Spent all my money on cover at the strip club. Clapping a lot. Doing lots of standing ovations. Double finger points. Still getting no love. Everybody stand up! Nope. Oh! My drawings! I drew you!

Heated Rivalry this, Heated Rivalry that. How about my spec script about an asexual NBA player that can turn into a bird? Two little gay guys sliding around the rink inside one another gets all the buzz. Anfernee Walker turns into a magical bird. He's asexual. That's not more compelling?

The roads are terrible. This blizzard is chopped... (?) I can barely make out the lines on the road. I can still feel them fortunately. I like to drive on the rumble strips to stimulate my prostate but it's downright dangerous out there today.

Coursera shoe tying is freakin' Dark Souls over here. My loops are loose. Two laces? Four laces? Biting the bullet and buying the Masterclass. 16 hours of Michael Rappaport teaching you how to tie shoes.