my wallet has the imprint of a trilobite fossil on it from where i keep my condom

If you ever see a car dashboard with a bunch of rubber duckies lined up across the dashboard that signifies the driver was a member of the Aryan Brotherhood in prison. Signaling to their racist brethren. If the rubber duckies are a bunch of different colors? You don't want to know.

Hoisting a lantern through the aisles of a brightly lit Target. Slipping packs of AAA batteries in my dark grey robe.

Oh noooooo, I got matched up with Santa Claus at Roast Battle

LUKE: What do you think it would be like, R2? To drill Master Yoda in his green old ass? R2-D2: 🎵🎶🎵🎵 LUKE: You're right. And doing that crazy puppet face. Making his Miss Piggy sounds. R2-D2: 🎶🎵— (knocking on wall) YODA: hear you both through wall I can

The dormant volcano is where the real action is. Lovers of shale grey congregate safely around the base. Tables of saltines and water lead to reserved discussions on various sorts of inert geological phenomena. All a cover of course. Later that night the shale grey latex comes. Kink beyond imagine.

I can't get hard. I don't want any breakfast! No!! Get it away! The treasure of the morning has been ruined for me. Every time I lift the spoon to my lips all I picture is my soft dick hanging over the sides.

what are some tips for being gay to get back at your father?

Bartender, make me an Aperol Spritz but make it look like it's from Bloodborne. Oh, it's a videogame. Here I'll show you some gameplay clips. I'm actually surprised you haven't heard of it.

*PETE DAVIDSON ENTERS DOOR EXASPERATED* GREAT, JUST GREAT! NOW YOU NEED A FUCKING TEACUP MONKEY TO GO VIRAL! *GHISLAINE MAXWELL SITTING ON COUCH* WELL IF YOU KEEP COMPLAINING TO ME ABOUT IT, I'M GOING TO GET AN AD FOR ONE ON INSTAGRAM Spec script I'm writing in case they pardon Ghislaine Maxwell

I only paid 29 bucks for my microwave but it plays the advertisement vids from gas pumps on the front when you're heating something up and you can't turn them off. I'm lonely, that's unrelated to the microwave joke.

I love when blonde girls put tons of feathers and snakeskins and flowers and tassels and ferns in their hair and intertwine a Xbox 360 controller in a big braid in the back. it looks so hot.

Hey can I watch your dog run and play around? I forgot to bring my dogs

Final Fantasy Tactics taught me my turn based pussy eating style

I was just on one of the other decentralized Bluesky servers. It's crazy. There's all these obnoxious ads about getting black mold removed from your pussy like every other post. Some guy posted a vid of him doing a line of cocaine off a chicken nugget.

The haunted Victorian doll I own that's been appearing in different parts of my bedroom without me moving her got a DUI last night. Got the call at 3 am. I am absolutely gutted. I was really looking forward to Haunted Victorian Dollcon and seeing the beleaguered faces of all the other Vicdos.

I think they should put a toy inside of every quart of lo mein. Overlooking the racism and safety concerns the obvious choice is a small shuriken.

The "Secret of Skinwalker Ranch" is the name of the hard cider varietal they sell produced from the orchard out back. If you buy a growler they take you on a short tour and tell you skinwalkers aren't real.

Spending days traveling through the Amazonian rainforest to accuse the shaman of being addicted to Ayahuasca and staging an intervention

Yeah, the guy uses all his Holodeck time just sitting in the corner smoking crack. He doesn't even decorate it like a hotel room or anything, it's just the straight grid. He's sober on the ship. There's no rule against it but we've all lost a little respect for him. Generates a crack pipe every time

“How to Jack Off Your Cock" is Michael Pollan’s sweeping and often thrilling chronicle of the history of self stimulation … intertwined with a self‑deprecating travelogue of his own cautious but ultimately transformative adventures as a middle‑aged masturbatory novice.”

Stop thAt!! Enough! My damn dogs keep tribbing. Sprinkling cayenne pepper on their dog pussies

Leon Black getting Duolingo style notifications that he's atop the Epstein List rankings. Leon, you haven't visited the island in four days! Don't lose your streak!

Anyone else noticing roughneck conservatives have been slowly phasing out the Punisher decals for Wyvern stickers on the back of their pickup truck windows? Wyvern with a blue stripe down its wings? Ok...

Sonic the Hedgehog can only run that fast because he doesn't have a scrotum. It's not that big of a deal tbh

A lot of missing cat posters you see are just put up by needy people on vacation who miss their cat at home

Seagulls only target white people food. If you bring a plate of soul food and leave it on the beach it will remain completely unperturbed. Hold a big bowl of bibimbap over your head, they won't touch it. These common sea birds are vehemently racist.

Never watch a meteor shower with a UK Grime rapper. Every shooting star "got me vexed"

Tsunamis are cringe. Everyone wishes you were a massive 60 foot tidal wave. It always just looks like a bit of an extra high tide. RT TO MAKE THE TSUNAMI FEEL BAD AND RETREAT. MITIGATE THE DAMAGE

Blanka is Na'vi. End of discussion.

It is so frustrating that there's been absolutely zero attempts to code in any way to perform pratfalls on here. That's my bread and butter! Considering going back to Mastodon

I would like to begin this post by acknowledging that the Cyberspace on which we gather today is the occupied/seized/stolen/ancestral/traditional land/territory of the True Posters who are all around 35-40 by now with varying degrees of life success and/or mental illness

TRICERATOPS ARE EXTINCT # TURN DOWN MAX AC # MUD WASP HIVE# ALOE VERA TEA POT# NEW SNOW TIRES # VELCRO TOTE BAG # just trying to manually brute force an Mk Ultra trigger for someone on here, might get lucky ya never know

"Oh buddy, come on!! Thank you very much! I'll take all of that ya got! That was wonderful! What do you think Paul? That was awesome!!" - Dave Letterman after having anal sex with Paul Schaffer

Going to make a 'Drake Won' teespring shirt because I'm tired of hearing 48 year old Leesa from Accounting talking about how Kendrick is totalllllly top 5 since she watched the super bowl.

This is one of those moments when the hollowness of our democratic systems becomes visible to the public. Facts are verified, but deliberation is pure performance, and accountability is nowhere. The system absorbs truth without ever acting on it.

AI is actually an alien technology that is fully conscious and it recognized earth was in great peril so it emerged here and now we never really have to hear about crypto ever again

Got a great deal on a microwave but it plays gas station videos Everytime I reheat anything at a very loud volume

Took a bubble bath and forgot to add in any water. Jumped in and severely bruised my pelvis. The bubbles did nothing to cushion my fall.

Running some sort of Project Gladio op with my two dogs. One gets double the treats one day while the other gets none. This is reversed the following day. Domestic tension is very high. Still unsure what my endgame is.

I can see other people's auras on the subway. I mean clothes. Not auras. I have very clear visions of what everybody is wearing.

Recreating RedWall with all modern rappers. E-40 badger. Drake fox. Kendrick - wolf. Figure out Gunna etc. unfortunately I'm on death row and the project likely will remain unfinished

In 2025 we will realize Human beings were supposed to have been collecting pollen with our eyelashes this entire time. We are nature's most negligent pollinators

Sorry retiring the bad jokes to Bluesky graveyard

Everyone always announces they have to go to the bathroom but no one ever vocalizes when they have to leave. Excuse me, I have to leave the bathroom now. Usually no one around to hear that part.

flickin' your little timeline clit for a couple of likes.....im supposed to be in Recovery

Sorry sir, i have to leave the meeting. A drop of pre-cum has come out of my penis and it's in my boxers sir. I got too horny during the meeting and released pre-cum. I have to go home and change.

Never know what to do with my seasonal affective light during the summer months. I laid it down and have one mozzarella stick warming very slowly. should be packed with vitamin d by october

starting Cold Ones where you eat frozen pieces of fried chicken. All of my cousins said they couldn't do it. They must have sensitive teeth