*2 hours into playing Merge Dragon* Oh shit, I just realized I can merge the dragons!

The boy is now watching every Christmas episode of The Simpsons. After a certain season, they’re wildly hit-or-miss, like… all episodes. But this bit from Season 15 had us cracking up last night. www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXSI...

I'm selling autographed copies of my books for the holidays. $15 for THIS MUSIC LEAVES STAINS, $30 for A CONVENIENT PARALLEL DIMENSION, $40 for BRAVE PUNK WORLD. Not only will I autograph 'em, I'll write a personal message too. Standard S+H fees apply. Interested? Send a DM & we'll make it happen!

What if you could speak to Rob Palillo forever? What if he was available 24/7 in your phone to field your questions about life, love, and "Welcome Back, Kotter?" Would you do it? Huh? Would you, you fucking little bitch?

Hi everybody. This is hard for me to write but I need help. I’m having a mental health crisis & I’ll be an intensive outpatient psych program for the next 2 months. I’m applying for short term disability but I’ll only get $100/week. I’m dropping a link to my Ko-Fi here.🧵 ko-fi.com/scarinasvault

Again, we thank you so much for helping us reach our goal, it means the world. We got the wheelchair SUV and the lawyers have been paid! YAY! We're keeping the fundraiser going, though, bc we do need extra Xmas cash, if you feel like being extra charitable. TYSM!!

Aside from his pronunciation of "gif," this man is always correct. 👇

Looks like Anna Nicole Smith's husband

“I miss blockbuster video” the library has every dvd totally untouched and I never see you there

Most DVDs don’t come with warning labels but this one does

Still not sure what vocal fry is. Also worried I have it, whatever it is.

The boy has been marathoning any animated Christmas specials / episodes we can find and man, the Bob's Burgers episodes are too real to be funny. They're almost always about Bob stressing about being too broke to buy presents. Kinda wish we had an eccentric landlord like Mr. Fischoeder, though.

The Snackmaster infomercial from 1990 is full of bangers like this.

all i'm saying is that there were better options

Twenty million Americans have a completely new chronic illness from a pandemic our government said was over in mid 2022, before the two highest waves even happened. And now they are ending the subsidies that allowed millions to afford healthcare. The rage I feel could birth a new galaxy.

Stressing out should burn as many calories as swimming laps. It should also help your credit score. I am currently getting zero benefits from stress. Ridiculous.

books ᵇᵃᶜᵏ ᶜᵒᵛᵉʳ⬇️

prosecutor: you like the simpsons, correct? all seasons? me: no, nothing past season ten p: can you explain this tweet then from sept 5? "I am absolutely gone off that lenny pudding bit." that's season twelve me: I consider season twelve part of season ten

My wife made a great point about BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES. There's no need for Commissioner Gordon to be so jacked. He might even be more muscular than Batman.

Ok it’s PREPOSTEROUS that the Raul Julia Street Fighter movie is at 11% like have some fun for once in your life

Glad to see people talking about Penn Jillette. The 2024 interview was done by me. I found him to be a refreshingly reflective, self-critical individual who has remained curious and willing to evolve.

Thanks again to everyone who donated and shared this link! We are so thrilled to have reached our goal! We will keep the fundraiser active for a little while in case anyone wants to kick in some extra dough for the holidays. Honestly, we could use it.

This is how my daughter was just pronouncing "ottoman" and I was so confused for a minute. Thought maybe her friends discovered it and were watching it on Twitch together or something? You never know with these kids.

optimistic guy in the town from Uzumaki: well I think our town is BLESSED by spirals

Seeing chatter on here about bad holiday movies. "Turkey Day" (2020) might take the cake for me. Barely meets the requirements for animation. Insipid writing. Might be AI? The plot: Dracula cancels Thanksgiving and only Santa Claus has the power to defeat him. Most of it takes place in outer space.

Folks, we are so close to reaching our goal here, please keep spreading the word! We are so grateful for all your support!

alarmed newscaster: it's called "grinching" and it's the latest trend that could land your kids in the hospital barely audible teen: my friends and I grinch, yeah, because the grinch is cool and it feels good

Trump answering, "I don't know" when asked what part of the body he got an MRI on has to be one of his all-time funniest lies.

Frankenstein, or: Maybe You Shouldn't Have Built That Weird Man

I love an embarrassing scandal where no one involved is remotely redeemable. The Nuzzi/RFK saga is the funniest thing to me since we learned Alec Baldwin’s wife was fake-Spanish and pretended she didn’t know the English word for “cucumber” on TV.

Well, gotta go. My wife is awaiting my harvest.

Decided to treat myself and put up our bedroom tree tonight. As always, these are the first ornaments I put up every year. Volume up for old timey Christmas vibes. 🎄

I posted today around 7am PST. By nightfall, Marjorie Taylor Greene had resigned. You’re welcome.

A woman of dignity

Stay and fight the man you now know is evil? “Nah. I’ma check out like the punk you always knew I was.”

Q: “Are you affirming you think Trump is a fascist?” TRUMP: “That’s ok, you can just say yes.” ZOHRAN: “Ok. Yes.”

They are so funny. Our neighbors are being stuffed into unmarked vans, and they’re all like let’s vote against a term we probably can’t define instead.

I just realized the “no worries!” message I sent an eBay seller (meant to be kind and chill) came off incredibly insensitive. I hadn’t seen her first note saying her husband had just passed away. Now I feel awful. 💔 I followed up again just now, but omg. She must think I'm a demon.

In much lighter news: our daughter has picked up papermaking as a new hobby, and honestly? I had no idea people just… made paper for fun. She now turns every scrap of junk mail into journal pages. She’s a cool kid. ✨

Can’t believe the whole country has to suffer through the return of Dickensian childhood diseases because the worst, most ignorant attention-demanders decided other people’s expertise makes them feel bad

why can't this be us

Taking the day off because it's Richard Masur's birthday.

Thank you, Sunday Times, for helping us keep things in perspective. Somewhere between sorting through medical bills and taking out payday loans to buy groceries, I admit I forgot how guilty rich people must feel right now. 🎻

We see a lot of doctors due to our son's disease and it's so depressing how in the past few years, they get SO nervous and cautious about suggesting vaccinations or medications. We have to be like, "Oh, you can be normal with us. We're not anti-science." Can't imagine what they've dealt with.

gofund.me/15cb0519e If you know Kiley, she is one of the most awesome people. She’s an amazing person and mom, and she’s usually the one organizing stuff like this for her friends. Now she’s the one who needs some help - if you’re able, please make a donation!

Mamdani is going to bring him that snowglobe that plays "Memories" from CATS and we're going to get government grocery stores nationwide