I love that we say people are being extra by "beating a dead horse" as though beating a live horse is a perfectly normal and reasonable thing to do

No. ~me, being concise

My Friend: *talking about a horrible life experience they just went through and are still dealing with* Me: *waiting for them to stop talking so I can bring up this cool new pen I got*

fuck punctuation this isnt a class

why does ancient cave art get so much attention it’s so basic

Flash mobs but two million people go completely limp wherever

*quietly beatboxing while the judge delivers my sentence

I do this but at trials

How hard do I have to shake the little glowing doom rectangle before dopamine comes out?

sorry, did I roll my eyes out loud

Stop your incessant silence.

I'd rather see The Vulva Monologues than The Vagina Monologues. The latter is too deep.

In case y'all missed it, here is the unedited photo of the Texas National Guard being deployed into Chicago

I caught myself earlier with a fork dangerously close to my eye. Later, I found my eyeliner in the silverware drawer.

and suddenly, it's cry o'clock

Hopping onto the bandwagon since I've already got a few of these

My Chess Instructor *taking my rook*: You see, the trick is predicting all of your opponents moves in advance Me *silently gripping the mallet hidden behind my back*: Oh, is that so?

I would die without coffee or maybe I would be okay

whenever in doubt, always hip thrust

If I die fighting in a flame war, do I get to go to Valhalla or do I have to die in one of those normal war things?

My Spouse: Now, make love to me like you used to Me: Poorly? My Spouse: Me: Poorly it is

A romantic thriller where two people meet and fall in love through passive-aggressive post-it notes

RIP to Genghis Khan. You would've loved the fleshlight

a spaghetti guitar you can play one chord once, make it count

Calling my phone company to complain that my predictive text needs to wash its mouth out with soap

Speaking of behalf my fellow perverts here. Y'all really need to stop telling us to come to your "sex parties" when you really mean "gender reveal parties" It's highly disappointing

Detective: We've been run ragged trying to find the Dad Joke Killer but we've had no luck Me: I guess you could say you've hit a dead end, ehhh? Detective: *narrows eyes* Me: Ah shit

If you're thinking about arguing with strangers online, remember the words of my second grade playground fight prevention assembly: STOP! COOL OFF! THINK ABOUT IT! *Sick yo-yo tricks*

Strictly using my telepathy to beat you at charades

So I'm not a big history buff but I can tell you exactly which founding fathers were bottoms

Sorry for all the delays in my posts; I have to get each one approved by congress

In all honesty, I've still been coming to terms that assless chaps are types of pants and not just gluteus-impaired men

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw WIFE: wow that sucks ME: i know what a straw does linda

Me: I'm trying to cover up a murder My Spouse: First, you've gotta clean the crime scene and really put some elbow grease in. I like using bleach but I've heard vinegar also helps. You've also gotta get rid of the body. Make it hard to find Me: Awesome, thx Me: Wait

I can be mean but people being mean to me is against my religion

if i was lost at sea i'd drink my own piss so fucken fast

Learn something new everyday? No thanks. I know too much already

Is it "accidentally" or "by accident"? Anyway, I sawed my assistant in half

Upon my untimely demise, I have requested that the mortician sew my head onto a much more attractive person's body for the funeral

Ah yes. Ms. Piggy. The original femme fatale

ugh 5am is such a dick why do you even exist

Anyone understand the embarrassment of hearing a recording and realizing that, yes, that's what you sound like? Anyways, after extensive reviews, I have decided not to release my sex tape

TikTok Philosophers: And as Camus said "There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is self-Minecraft"

It is shocking how much of my time online is spent trying to figure out if someone is being stupid on purpose or by accident

My ultimate plan, if I get cancer, is to just cyberbully my cancer cells until they kill themselves

the only thing i learned from improv classes was how to be truly insufferable about improv

Interviewer: Sell me this pen Me: *takes out a gun* Interviewer: Damn, this guy's good

My confession is that instead of showering for these last 3 years, I have just been rubbing my body down with paper towels

I just watched grown men playing professional cornhole. Don't you dare tell me you can't pursue your dreams