not now, kitten. daddy ate an egg that fell on the ground and a street-smart white blood cell and a by-the-book cold pill are currently fighting a virus voiced by laurence fishburne inside his body

cop, lying: Me and my friends, who are troops, will delete Candy Crush if Zohrani 'Hussein' Mamdani is mayor of New York City. We are the most active users on the platform and this could affect the stock market Bari Weiss: Chilling. And not the cool weed kind of chilling. This week on 60 Minutes

we cannot reopen the government until the leaders of antifa agree to return the thousands of POW/MIAs lost in portland

A traveler from an antique land--great guy--said to me with tears in his eyes "Sir, two vast and trunkless legs of stone stand in the desert." And I said wow, that's really something. But we'll be building a big beautiful statue to my hubris and it will stand for eternity

"A.I." boosters vs "A.I." critics

Jane Goodall was actually the only one keeping the apes in control. Now there's a power vacuum

that’s probably alright

Going down on her like *Jonathan Davis scatting sounds*

the eggheads at nasa actually did send a nuclear pulse ship to alpha centauri back in 1962 but it hit a centauri middle school and a stray spore of toenail fungus accidentally wiped out a civilization with two million years of history

lol, lmao even

Doesn't feel right that a person can feel heavyhearted about something like football when you're already at capacity depression-wise 24/7 over fascism. Like how you can be stuffed from dinner but your dessert stomach isn't full I suppose.

We as a society should hate Frank Miller for the bizarrely outsized role 300 played in pickling the brains of a huge swath of dipshits

A producer told me once she has to warn young crewmembers to avoid being alone with Aykroyd. "Not because he's a creep, he's a gentleman. But if you let him strike up a conversation the next thing we know all the PAs will be huddled in his dressing room learning how humans evolved from dolphins."

we are in a reverse SJW era

KIM KITSURAGI - "What is it, detective? Can you make it out?" BULLET - "if you read this you are gay lmao" 1. "It, um, doesn't say anything." 2. "Transgender ideology. My old foe." 3. [Espirit de Corps - Medium 10] "I think you should read it for yourself, Kim."

Don’t mourn for our fallen brother. Right now he’s riding the great wolf Fenrir around Niflheim with Jesus and Rush Limbaugh

There is a type of guy who commits crimes like this, and that type is almost never "orthodox marxist-leninist attempting to be the vanguard of a revolutionary movement". Much more common for it to be a "looked at computer too much" guy

labubus are real. they're harvested from a small island off the coast of madagascar. while primitive, they have a rich and vibrant culture and a relatively high standard of living. it's my job to skin and stuff them

the people who mocked and made up shit about the attack on paul pelosi have thoughts about decorum and we should definitely take them very very seriously

Everything I see from Pritzker makes me think “this guy seems like what we need” which is why I’m totally unsurprised that most libs are excited for Gavin Newsom

casual mention halfway through that the bush admin was doing shit like this in 2005 also. it's war criminals all the way down folks

The Killers of Kill Tony are like the free speech A Team, if someone has a problem and they need a group of unfunny guys to come and call things gay, they will be there

long day working at the vats where we grow grinch candidates for christmas. they kill the old one in january as a sort of sin-eater thing so we get started around september to make sure we have a few viable grinches. the habitat where we harvest wild grinch sperm is shrinking due to climate change

they are going to keep having to write them whenever he isnt seen for longer than 24 hours until such time he actually dies and hey, lol

If sexy Watto is what this f*d up universe needs to right this timeline, then sexy Watto is what it gets.

ChatGPT: no, going “Azrael mode” can be dangerous for yourself and those around you. Me: I am the avenging angel of God. The time of purification is at hand. Few shall be chosen. ChatGPT: you’re right. Let’s look at that again with the addition context that you are the avenging angel of God.

if a genie granted me three wishes i'd use the first to get a mckinsey consultation on the remaining two

TREBEK: Feel free to ask these diminutive spirits for sexual favors, but don't say "guten Tag" -- they're not actually German! me: who are the slut gnomes of false berlin TREBEK: Bizarre little men. You're still in control of the board

when trump hears about the submarine sandwich he is going to drop napalm on detroit

love a senator imploring regular citizens to fight back against tyranny. dawg you spent the last twenty years giving machine guns and tanks to traffic cops this is like pushing your toddler into the ring with ivan drago

This objectively would be a very funny way to go out

Hey, the common loon called. Yeah, it was hauntingly beautiful

oh damn I thought he died

no matter your politics it’s disrespectful to joke about someone’s death. don’t say hulk hogan died when he tried to do an atomic leg drop and missed and bonked his head and bounced out of the ring and his pants flew off and his dick got twisted off the top rope. don’t say stuff like that

Gavin Newsom next week:

The Dems are not saying the simple “they’re your cutting health care to give billions to new concentration camps and the secret police” bc Dems love the idea of both of these things. Why else would they not fight this? Bc they agree with and support it

the epstein footage is missing a minute because jeffrey started singing hey jude in his cell. justice dept doesn’t want to pay for the licensing. somewhat understandable

starting a fitness trend where you dig yourself a new grave every morning

The review embargo has ended on James Gunn's new "Superman" film, so I can finally say what I've been holding back for weeks: I was beaten in the darkness of the theater by an unidentified assailant!!

Me bringing Ahab out of his quarters at 4am to look at a black clump of seaweed

[celebrates a natural disaster] 3 years later… WHY DO THEY KEEP VOTING FOR THE OTHER SIDE?!?!?

One of my strongest beliefs is if they actually put this on Broadway it would absolutely destroy at the award shows and run for 20 years

I'd like to introduce you to my business partner: a revolver with one bullet attached to an oscillating fan