I used to work at Subway and when someone would ask to speak to the manager, I’d just go in the back and eat slices of turkey until they left.

if the earth was flat i would have already jumped off this bitch

The replies are coming from inside the stupid.

My plans for this weekend include finding a raccoon to shampoo.

girls don’t want you to send them flowers, they want you to send them to the moon

In the 80s, kids didn’t have cell phones, so we ended up stuck in a lot of wells.

i don’t want to keep calm and carry on i want to shoot lasers out of my eyes

sex is not enough i need a cheesy gordita crunch

the way i’m not living in a goth mansion with a creepy butler is so rude

I bet it’s okay to eat a little bit of lava

It’s not that I’m too shy to show my body, it’s that I’m gross. Still punk af, tho.

sorry about the cold front, my soul escaped

Ziplock bags don’t zip or lock anymore. This country is going to hell.

Better than you know or worse than you could imagine? I try to be both.

sorry can’t, my raven said nevermore

The more you compare me to a potato, the stronger I become.

I got out of bed. Please clap.

inside of you are 21 Jump Streets

i rolled my eyes and threw my back out

if you think my grammar is bad, you should've met my grampar.

Googling weather conditions on roads in states I’ll never visit is a love language.

*googles how to breathe correctly while married

I’ve never been popular, so being hunted for sport would be pretty confusing for me.

you opinion means nothing if you’ve never eaten a cloud

willing my brain to form a comprehensive thought [I’ll try again later]

*perching myself atop your fridge*

alien abduction? you mean rescue mission.

offering a cup of hot cocoa to the howling winter winds

Slut goth grannie era, I whisper into the very uncomfortable void.

Please don't make me use the discover tab.

it smells like bella swan in here

it’s ok snow, i too am pale and cold

I come from a long line of Meh

fully recovered from saying shramp skimpy at red lobster 36 yrs ago

What if you got to the levy and the levy was wet? What then?

*Jennifer Coolidge voice* I want an ice cream sandwich real bad

I'm too short to reach my potential.

what I lack in intelligence I make up for with my selection of snacks

Gen X kids spent a lot time worrying about getting sucked into the Bermuda Triangle