I have serious doubts about your commitment to Sparkle Motion.

Fuck nudes, show me your meds.

The 72 hours before my period arrives are the most dangerous because I’ll either want to choke fuck you through a brick wall or drive an axe into your skull. Either way, there will be blood.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Look, you’re not a shitposter if you have a drafts folder. Rules is rules.

Sorry, I don’t fuck with people who wear socks to bed. They’re gross.

I once fell on Santa Monica Blvd and got LA-bubu.

GTA is for knee-capping hookers and getting as many stars as possible before going out in a blaze of glory. Fuck the mission.

I give 𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 unenthusiastic hand jobs.

I've decided he doesn't have to die. I'm ok with him being trapped inside his own mind with no way to communicate with the outside world

Air Fryer would be a wonderful name for a Rhodesian Ridgeback

*licks pussy* just a lil something to take off the edge

I want a room made entirely of bubble wrap.

I need more crows to do my bidding.

If I fall and you don’t point and laugh, we can’t be friends.

I’d like to think we’re better than this, but I won’t.

Shitpost like no one’s watching.

fuck

Can’t - I’m in an intense 3-way with life and death.

Deftones = self care

no god, no religion. just bad bad decisions….

Wow, your OF made $7.00 this month. Time to put your panties back on.

I have zero respect for people who re-skeet themselves.

Well, time to go and face the day! *throws self down stairs*

The Mist: The Musical (that ending though….)

Just saw a crow hop across the road. It was fricken adorable. I really hope he/she enjoys that roadkill.

When I was a broody goth teen, you had to special order fishnet stockings from lingerie catalogs, which made them extra special and sexy. Now you can buy them at fucking Walmart. I hate this timeline. Earth, fucking swallow us already.

ℭ𝔯𝔬𝔴𝔰 𝔟𝔢𝔣𝔬𝔯𝔢 𝔥𝔬𝔢𝔰 🐦‍⬛

Get in loser, we’re going to the Scholastic Book Fair.

People who sit around and count calories and obsess about weight … knock that shit off. Instead ask yourself this - “am I still fuckable?” If the answer is yes, you good. If the answer is no, you still good because you can always pay a hooker.

Be clingy, be needy, fawn and simper. I love that shit.

Y’all out here celebrating and screaming “he’s dead” like he’s your ex and you ran over him with a cement mixer or something. Show me the bloated, bloody corpse or stfu.

You drunk dial your ex, I drunk dial the FBI and report strange activity behind the dumpster at my local 7-11. We are not the same.

*burps*

I hope the earth kills us all soon. I’m looking forward to haunting the ruins.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

air dropping guillotine blueprints to everyone in the national mall

Just found out that Cracker Barrel is not made from real crackers. For shame.

other than a few super generous people posting ass on the internet, Wednesday can get bent

Can you win the Nobel Peace Prize for dying?

Me: I’m really struggling with folding this fitted sheet. Her: Idiot...those are my panties.

Stop asking if squirt is just pee and start admitting you like getting peed on.

shut up and behold my belt buckle.

thank god i had kids, i mean who else would constantly remind me that i’m old.

I totally am 💅🏻🖤

At my age, going clubbing means hittin’ up the sammich shop.