I would like to collect printouts of your dong pics in a crisp manila folder

Love how absolutely no one gets the full story on what's happening with me, like piece it together amateur detectives

Gonna start calling Erika Kirk by her alter ego Ashley Furniture the way she's trying to lure JD into her cushions

as i've gotten older, i know when i should not operate heavy machinery, and don't need a warning. also, i am heavy machinery

*holds your hand through your crash out

I hope for good things for all people except you, upon whom I wish an unscratchable itch deep in your bhole

me: *posting and cracking myself up* you: *reading my posts and getting increasingly concerned*

I'm going to fuck you up! -me to my sandwich

How many books with cannibalism as a central theme have you read this year? I have read five.

Thinking of hiring an Etsy witch based on all their excellent successes recently

Thinking of hiring an Etsy witch based on all their excellent successes recently

just realized i never got to be young dumb and full of cum. ive always been smart.

skill issue logging in

Your chances of being Bret Easton Ellis are low but never less than zero

Ew gross you got some of your male gaze on me

I don't know how much stock to put into these bubbling predictions of Bluesky's demise, but I did notice a couple of new starter packs created this weekend that didn't include me, so there ARE some signs

I hope you’re violently ambushed by stability and tenderly mauled by good news this weekend.

The handle came off the microwave so we're playing an old timey game of expecting a long distance call

Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world,... I feel like I can't take it. And my heart is just going to cave in.

A hot priest willing to disregard his vows and a long weekend could fix me

I may be healthy as a horse, but I am fit as a fifty year old slice of bread and my thighs are a whole pudding casserole. Wanna fuck?

One month postpartum and I need to nair my moustache before my baby starts thinking I’m daddy

Using the Scooby Doo model, scientists were able to run all the way to the edge of the universe by being chased over an unchanging background until they finally saw through the illusion and just tore the mask off of everything we know

women should be weirder and more off putting

“If u like piña coladas…”

me, singing: AM I SEXUAL my 4 buddies, wearily: yeaahh

🎶 TAKE A LOOK AT MY PRETZELS

Growling coming from your rolltop desk just because it looked like a mouth who wanted to open and that was the power of suggestionary over stationary. These autocorrects, they just don't call to you

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Maybe you are paying for the cow's specialised pasteurization knowledge, you stupid fuck.

Putting some dumb dude in air jail and watching his legs kick and dangle

My vagina could cure insomnia but men should stay awake and think about what they’ve done.

It's weird to be too old to date men in their 30s when I still feel about as emotionally mature as a 35yo man.

The puppeteer's union has rejected my slogan "We Need More Hand Jobs!"

If you’re tired of me here imagine me texting you all day

One of my coworkers speaks Serbian all day in a low voice and it's more soothing than a warm hoodie and a mug of hot chocolate

Texting Mom "exactly how much Tylenol did you take tho"

The world: imploding, fighting, spiraling. Me: here’s a nice picture of my cat, you’re welcome.

I sold a painting holy shit 😭

Do young adults know that I give not one shit if you call me cringe or think I am cringe or physically cringe when I speak? No one cares about your opinion, Jayden/Kaiden/Jacob/Emma, your frontal lobe isn't even formed

Blocked by horses.

The best time to stop talking is approximately 5 minutes before I decide to every time

“You will never look at another woman again.” - Medusa’s Tinder Bio

Nobody's checking on me which is great because it means no one to answer to but terrible because it means I have no one to answer to

Jerk me off like you’re trying to start a lawn mower or don’t waste my time.

You look like Halloween, it makes me want a pumpkin spice latte real bad

The best thing about all this is that I don't care at all if you get my jokes or know who I am talking about

I sleep on my side to give ghosts the option of little or big spoon

Hey, instead of having like seven alts that all talk to each other below my skeets you can take your weird fetish back to your own home

Don't let people you could easily murder bother you.

Never lie when you go to the dentist, tell the tooth about your flossing.