A pot roast is when you make fun of a guy for accidentally growing roses🏆👑 Congratulations @sentientatoms.bsky.social from @jollyrobber.bsky.social 🏴‍☠️

12/31/24 is last day any Boomer turns 60.

Pickett would be a good last name for a defensive player who gets a lot of interceptions.

Monocles was the Greek god of pretentious eyewear.

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I'm standard. ME: That's not what STD is short for Grandma.

[teaching my kid to be an independent thinker] Google it yourself son

My wife suggested we get a joint Amazon account so I said 'we can be partners in Prime' lol and then my son called the cops.

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then Paul Blart: Mall Cop is a Die Hard movie.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and try to convince Roald Dahl to put ‘When he was younger, Charlie Bucket was a little pail’ into his book.

Today's menu choices are: A turkey sandwich A sandwich of turkey Turkey on a bed of butter between two slices of bread Two slices of bread, delicately separated by turkey.

[Watching Die Hard with my new girlfriend] ME: *leans in* In Germany they call it 'The Hard'. HER: Get out.

I’m convinced no one actually has a place to wear any of the fancy sparkly outfits that fashion brands promote for New Year’s Eve and it’s all just a lie being pushed by Big Sequin

In kindergarten, I was so shy that I used a pencil to color in an elephant rather than ask the girl next to me to borrow a grey crayon. 40 years later, and look at me now: I’d still MacGyver some shit to avoid talking to someone.

Someone gave my 7yo a cake pop baking kit for Christmas. So anyway, she helped mix a few ingredients for 5 minutes and then I made cake pops.

Buzzfeed quizzes be like, “Tell us your favorite candle scent and we’ll tell you how you’re going to die”

A pill case is like an Advent Calendar in that you open it every day until you meet Jesus

Me: Just because someone doesn’t immediately respond to your texts it doesn’t mean they hate you. Brain: ok but ur wrong

Who called it an abortion and not “deboning?”

I combat joke thievery by exclusively telling bad jokes

From now until January 6th, time and vegetables do not exist, they’re merely suggestions.

I got one of those hydroponic countertop gardens for Christmas to grow herbs, so naturally I’m growing marijuana.

People who invite that creepy Elf on the Shelf into their home clearly haven’t watched enough horror movies.

I love America like I love my grandpa. She's old as fuck okay, of course she's kinda hateful and racist. Let's take a walk until she passes out from the whiskey.

Just washed a slice of cake down with a Slimfast.

I wrap holiday presents how I have sex Fast and messy and before my kids try to interrupt

I hate it when I walk into a hotel in California and forget why I came in and then try to leave, but no. No sir.

Please don’t correct me, I become dangerous when educated

Men are so sweet. They always leave all of the sandwich fixings out on the counter in case you want one

A pill that makes you forget a movie so you can watch it again for the first time

It’s OK, little clearance items. Nobody wanted me this Christmas, either.

Hindsight is a gift. A gift I’d like to return.

*uses the 3 starbucks gift cards i got for christmas to fix the wobbly leg of my coffee table*

[jeopardy] Ken Jennings: he was the first US president Me: *buzzes in* i’d like to solve the puzzle pat Ken Jennings: sir this is jeopardy Me: *buzzes in* what is i’d like to solve the puzzle pat

the inventor of kitchen drawers and the inventor of ladles must have really fucken hated each other

this xmas is gonna be better than last year’s i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm

Are you telling me a grand baby made this piano

I tell my mother *you’re mama* jokes because the punchline is a parent

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

I'm tired of people telling I look tired so now I respond with "Well, you on the other hand, always look very refreshed." And when they thank me, I like to add that being a good person is exhausting.

HOW ARE WE EXPECTED TO SURVIVE HERE WITHOUT A DRAFTS FOLDER

Me: can’t we cuddle all night like we used to? My dog: look I just need a little space

Hey there, Delilah What's it like in New York City I'm a 1000 miles away But, girl, ａｒｅ ｙｏｕ ｓｌａｕｇｈｔｅｒｉｎｇ ｔｈｅ ｓｕｒｆａｃｅ ｄｗｅｌｌｅｒｓ ａｓ ｉｎｓｔｒｕｃｔｅｄ？

If my best years are behind me I'm not prepared for the ones to come fuuuuuuuck

No, YOU put your phone down and spend time with my family!

I’m beginning to suspect that drunk me doesn’t give a flying fuck about sober me.