Asked to leave Yoga for saying "that's a stretch" six times

Always wonderful to bump into my old friend Daniel Radcliffe!

I can't help you if you keep touching that orb like it's not stealing your precious life force and making you dumb, Kevin.

There is still good in the world.

Bought a harmonica just to harm someone

If you see this picture post a random image from your device.

If you see this picture post a random image from your device.

Living in Switzerland has a lot of advantages. For example, the flag is a big plus.

Watching golf ⛳️ is like watching old people fuk

Absurdity is a fave of mine.

At the end of the evening, the gentlemen would retire to the skeeting parlor, sinking into rich brown leather by a crackling fire and sipping Remy Martin neat while firing off the day’s most spectacular bangers

It is 1994. I am wearing Ray Ban Baloramas and a bunch of woven leather bracelets. I did not know at the time that this would be the zenith of my cool.

Ruin a song by adding ‘literally’ to the title. Literally Only Want to be with you

as a child some of you were never rescued and breastfed by an obliging she-wolf and it shows

Acorns: nature’s Legos Like you, I have a rich inner life

A bad carpenter blames his tools and goes into the messiah business.

Slightly diminish a band: Stone Temple Air Traffic Controllers

You know how aquaman can communicate telepathically with all sea life? Yeah, I can’t do that. I do know that it’s time for a meow breakfast though!

Being sexy is so passe. I'm bringing average looks and intelligence back.

One of the best parts of summer is buttering corn cobs and whispering “you like that?” loud enough to make the family BBQ awkward.

This tiny snail climbed up 5’ to find the good stuff at the top of a milkweed plant. One time I drove an ‘81 Dodge Omni to the summit of Mt Washington

On one hand I would love to know how a reactor on the moon would work but on the other hand I’m sane

Hang on Foreigner I can explain what love is without showing you that’s just gross

Buffy is so old there were only 103 named elements, we’re at 118 now. (Yes I pause every show that has a periodic table to see if its period accurate)

Tarantino’s “Once Upon a Time in … Hollywood” premieres today in 2019 — complete with DiCaprio’s improvised melt-down. “It was like watching a tornado in a glass box,” said Brad Pitt, who witnessed the take. “Leo just exploded in that trailer — and none of us knew what was coming.”

Telling the cop I’ll give him his nose back if he lowers his firearm

Your butter knife is not functional, and other insults

Don’t get mad I messed up everything. I told you i’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me.

Recently, there have been several stick-ups and one Axe murder (in the first Degree). Management has made no Secret of the need to increase security, but still haven’t found the Right Guard. Finding themselves underarmed, the crime wave continues to roll on.

Weird Al Who’s fat?

Weird Al cutting like a surgeon for the very first time

Weird Al being white and nerdy

Weird Al smells like teen spirit

Before people start getting upset I just wanted to say fuck you

Unrepentant headbonker waiting for next head to bonk

me hanging with a random baby on a family gathering:

Doughs before Bros

Telling my mother she's "overplayed her hand"

I never knew at least half of this country hated human beings so much

I got a friend who eats dandelions if any of you rich people need some landscaping done

Simple. Simple. Simple. Make your small joys simpler. A new growth on your plant. A grin of gratitude from another. The smell of the rain. The perfect sentence in your favorite book. Go on and find it. It's yours. Always. I love you

Rochester’s Jazz Festival

don’t look away watch and remember how much it hurts and let that pain motivate you

A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says,”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”

I began to understand at the age of four that my life would likely be a series of moments of pure elation and crushing disappointment, as this was the year that I was both given my first puppy and my first oatmeal raisin cookie.

How awesome is this!!!

Aerosmith pinball machine is so fuckable

Back in the day