I made a starter pack! go.bsky.app/K71wfyW

If you get caught stealing Italian ham you will be prosciuttocuted.

(tearfully pleading) delete your account

Oh, we're half way there Oh-oh, livin' on a prayer

I made a starter pack! go.bsky.app/K71wfyW

This one's called "Girl, You Give Me the Quills" and it's dedicated to all the lovely ladies in the audience.

Came out to this vignette on the kitchen table. Rough night for the chick.

Go on, go, walk out the door Turn around now You're not welcome anymore

Having agoraphobia means you prefer inside jokes

I like you, but If you change your profile pic, your username or your whole energy, I’ll scroll past like we never trauma-bonded.

I booked Friday off just to have something to look forward to.

I dated a man bun once. He took me mini-golfing, and later, I watched him weep over a handcrafted beer flight.

Tonight we war.

A lot of very funny and talented people have written for Sorrowscopes over the years- here they are! bsky.app/starter-pack...

Leo: There is no “disturbance in the Force.” You have measles.

Taurus: It's time to be concerned when the doctor asks you to disrobe so he can see your “wretched hive of scum and villainy."

💯

Soft on the outside, spiraling on the inside.

Not many people realize this but owls make great snowboards.

I spy with my little eye another lip injection gone awry.

find someone that reminds you that laughter and silliness are the antidote

Fine, I will be the CEO of Tesla.

Too tired to be mysterious, too dramatic to be chill.

The eyes are the windows to the soul and the mouth is the front door to a donut.

I just want you to know I consider you all my friends, and Zuckerberg can go suck it.

The first time your parents leave you alone for the week

if anyone asks you, you never saw this...

Joke's on you. I'm not even interested in my own opinion.

try to give a fuck (but make no promises)

Currently operating on vibes, caffeine, and delusion.

If time isn’t real, why do I feel late all the time?

But seriously, plane food, more like PLAIN food, am I right?

you quote posted someone who’s blocked me, pls. abscond.

I’m pretty sure the snooze button just slapped me back

Not vans or chucks but a secret third thing.

Carpet moths mean the floor is larva.

Hot take: The best part of any road trip is the snacks, not the destination. 🚗🍿

Stop blinking Dan. You keep ruining it.

This little pup has managed to stay dry despite wearing so much drip. 12/10

Just a theory: Has anyone considered that Pete Hegseth’s wife, brother, and attorney might be propping him up because of his substance abuse? It would explain why he needs them looped into everything. If you know anything about addiction, it tracks.

The problem with me is me, which coincidentally, is also the solution.

I don’t have the energy for this *gestures at everything

Panic attacks are jazz hands for the soul.

fuck me you won't do what i tell you...

Make sure your children eat all of their candy before unleashing them on the public today.

We are all just looking for someone who can see us.

Fake conversations in my head is how I try to stay sane.

If someone tells me to “take it down a notch,” that guarantees an immediate 4 to 5 notch increase. Do not try to de-notch me.