I know origami, and I’m not afraid to fold you into a swan.

My favorite metaphor for genitalia is “the good china”.

Whoa

Pretty sure the entire world suffers from a internal server error

It’s Monday. It’s cold. You bring the alcohol. I’ll bring the bad decisions.

I’ve never thrown my head back while taking a couple of pills. Everything in film is a lie.

“fuck it like it owes you money” Monday

I want to get hospitalized for exhaustion like a celebrity.

be a dear and bring me my favorite crazy straw and a bottle of bourbon, won't you?

I love sour cream, but not a, *eats spoonfuls of sour cream straight out of the container* kind of love

Spaghetti is a word that I love

The only marathon I run is 3 seasons of a show in 1 weekend

I don’t argue. I just explain louder.

I’ll pay you in Kohls Cash final offer - Contract negotiations

You do realize that just because you talk on your Apple Watch, that does not make you a Power Ranger, right?

Nothing good ever happens when I'm vertical.

Russian agent: With which bird-watching group are you affiliated? 007: Bon. Audubon.

"Any last words?" "SHORT-LIVED RHYMES WITH ARRIVED. AND THERE ARE TWO SYLLABLES IN ALLEGED."

Give it to me, baby [me when I take candy from a baby]

You had me at “I like a girl with personality” because I have a few.

A smutty bookstore called Happy Endings.

Exercising out of spite is still exercise.

I live in mortal fear of mispronouncing pecan in public.

Another day and my ducks still aren’t in a row

I'm finding it hard to keep myself uninformed.

Monday hates you too

What season is it? Walmart: yes

You break me you buy me

Music is one hell of a drug

I generally chase my multivitamin with Tito’s

Is it a November To Remember yet?

I write "how are ya" so they know I care but don't expect a very serious response

One scoop of mashed potatoes per person and DON'T WALK ON THE GRASS

What do you call a ghost’s breasts? Paranormal entities.

Unfortunately, true

Rude!

Due to unforeseen circumstances, we will now set our clocks back to The Twilight Zone during Daylight Savings

Enough of the finding out. Let’s just stick with the fucking around

Getting an extra hr in 2025 is like getting a complementary colonoscopy

I wish we could return to a simpler time before the Internet and pants.

I don’t understand why people hire plumbers for small repairs; it’s only taken me $40, 3 trips to Home Depot, the unnecessary replacement of one perfectly fine part, and I’m 85% sure I’ll have this figured out by next week

Life hums its own melody

I’m laid back but will lay forward if necessary.

When I say I'm a man of substance I mean controlled.

This world has just gone crazy!

Get in loser, we’re about to make a series of decisions that could have us tied up for a while

Today I started the "no sweets 4 weeks" challenge which I will restart tomorrow.

Sends you an edible arrangement after we have sex

Your guess is as good as mine. Except that one. Also, that one. Are you even trying?

If time flies why doesn’t my watch have wings?