Just did a reality check, would not recommend.

My gas tank just asked if there’s a payment plan?

Why did they call them Kegels when Puss-Ups was right there in front of them?

If you walk a mile in my shoes, will you stop and get me a pack of smokes on the way back?

Why blame me when the whole world is a travesty?

When someone has a problem with me, I totally agree.

Don’t fuck with me, I just cut my front lawn on the diagonal

Never regret anything you've ever tried in life. Just regret that you took pictures while doing it.

I would be more patient if it didn’t take forever.

people often criticize a dog and pony show but frankly, i think that sounds kind of neat

Started my day off with a healthy dose of micro plastics.

It’s been 14,600 days since I last used trigonometry

How in the hell does a tribute band pay tribute to another tribute band?

No babe, I’m pretty sure you’re the opposite of nonchalant

I love that humans are still better at dancing like robots than actual robots

I said what I said - me, forgetting what I said

Reality is pretty much just a prank show at this point

These guys are fire. I hope they visit earth again someday

There’s got to be a perfect emotion to go with 7 coffees

my sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

Why anyone would put a Salt Life sticker rather than a Slut Life sticker on the rear window of their vehicle is beyond me

The other 11 months have joined the month of March in its madness

Your hair is the same color as my dining room walls

I’m unstoppable unless it’s too much work.

If I ever went to a rodeo, it would be my first

i hope you get lucky today :)

avoid life, make art, pour green beer over an asshole’s head which I guess is still art if you do not get caught

I'm not wearing any green. *slow wink

Me: I’m so sleepy My Brain: How did the first person know to drink water?

Still waiting on a motherfucker to tell me how to get to Sesame Street.

My posts are always on the clearance rack

You’re kinda like a wifi signal, not absolutely necessary, but nice to have around

More tits, less taxes

Why do all the scary monsters supposedly hang out in your basement or under your bed? Why can’t they just chill out on the couch with you?

me: what the fuck? the fuck: I didn’t say anything

we have saved daylight but at what cost

The US Federal Witness Protection Program is extremely jealous of your filters

I don’t think it’s fair that we can’t be skinny and healthy by eating bacon every day

She keeps her knives sharp and her tongue sharper

Met an absolute babe at the bar last night and I promised her the world. So, unfortunately, all y’all are gonna have to leave

I don't understand why this conversation isn't about me

why are taters the only thing we’ve totted

if daylight savings interrupted happy hour it would be long gone

Oven clock, we meet again.

I’m gonna be so hydrated for my training in the morning (grabs the vodka)

When I nap, I'm actually contributing to society, by not posting a lot of shit.

Hold up...I thought Diana Ross was the Supreme Leader?

ChatGPT told me you've been asking about some weird shit.