Welcome to the suburbs. There are more realtors than people

I am wearing cheese sauce to the apocalypse, apparently.

Sorry I’m late, I was busy doing nothing.

It’s rude to interrupt my walk of shame by yelling at me to come back.

Is Calgon still taking people away? Or is that only ICE now?

Why be an emergency contact when you can be the emergency.

Using a geiger counter should be called radioactive listening

I’m glad “critical thinking” is a new catch phase because now people can argue confidently about things they still don’t understand

“I never said all that shit.“ -Confucius

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

Due to some kind of miscommunication, a friend brought us a six pack of bears.

Maybe the reason aliens haven’t made contact with us is because they read the comments section

Great. The monster that lives in my closet and the monster that lives under my bed aren't speaking to each other, and now it is awkward for everyone.

Not to brag, but I can pronounce acetaminophen on the first try.

Turns out the pot at the end of the rainbow is way more potent than the pot that got me there

Do you mean like Blondie “Rapture” rapture?

Me: I’m really struggling with folding this fitted sheet. Her: Idiot...those are my panties.

i burned a frozen pizza for you, please respond 🫶🏻

Monday hates you too

Don’t know why I’m feeling kind of spry as fuck today (continues to insulate underground bunker)

*gestures towards everything*.. This just might be the worst fucking simulation ever

Sure, we can do it you're way. But, its dumb.

I’m willing to bet most of you were never employee of the month

Her eyes are as dark as her soul

Verse Chorus Kill me

I took a picture, but it wasn't a selfie. Is there a word for that? A "someone elsie"?

No one has bookmarked any of my skeets. There is hope for humanity after all.

Your yogurt to granola ratio is seriously damaging this relationship

thanks to time zones it’s already Halloween in Australia

When I was trying on jeans the other day a baby crawled under the partition into my fitting room. I wasn’t sure what to do, and I know my choice didn’t help my issue of not fitting into any of the jeans, but god that baby was delicious.

Sorry folks, but the high road is closed for resurfacing

🤣

I had to finish the last piece of pizza cause I didn't want it to feel bad about itself

i wish i loved anything as much as sports wanting me to bet on sports

Making it weird is my kind of foreplay

Eats like shit Takes a multivitamin

Impressed? No. Intrigued? Yes

Can anyone explain to me why the escalator handrail has to move faster than the escalator stairs?

First dictatorship? Yeah, me too.

gonna eat my weight in pizza and then complain about my weight

your honor, what's the wifi

i noticed your sentimentbot score is pretty positive. do you wanna wash this rice for me?

Nah, I'll just seize it tomorrow

I always do my work really quickly so I can have more time to relax I am all about that sloth life

British people be like, "It is quite a warm day today, twenty-seven degrees"

I have nothing in common with people who know how to use Saran Wrap

I'm so sad that summer is ending but only because I can't blame mosquitos for smacking people anymore.