Sneaky little fuckers

Just had a popup appear on my laptop screen that said “Get Help” and I think that’s pretty rude of my laptop

According to the weather prediction models, you’re to get anywhere between 1” to 2531” of snow

Well, shit!

Fuck it. I’m gonna start pronouncing the p in psycho

I excel at saying two words at the same time.

One of my favorite ways to waste time is to do nothing about everything.

LEADER: welcome to amnesia club do you have any stories you’d like to share ME: none that I can recall GROUP: *applauds quietly*

Of course, personal growth is where it’s at. But it’s just so inconvenient, you know? Cashier: so, you didn’t bring your own bags…

Whenever I feel homesick I go into a dive bar.

Get in, loser - me, during sex

New year, new m… wait.. Nope. Never mind

I meant well. I think it was on a Thursday in 1978.

$10 bucks says I can’t pronounce Açaí correctly

I left you on read. Please respond.

Inside me are a dozen Christmas cookies.

Walmart Radio was absolutely fucking bangin today!

I hope everyone got a podcaster equipment starter kit cause lord knows there’s just not enough podcasters in the world

I don’t really want to do a new year. I’m all yeared out

What am I bringing to the party? A desire to leave.

Joined the Flat Earth Society for the 50% discount on round-the-world air tickets.

69 > 67

Cover me in potato chips and tell me I’m salty.

I’m wearing my beer goggles to this eye exam. Idgaf

Seems the lines in this parking lot are only a suggestion

Never clapped when I was happy a day in my life

A cigarette after sex is just the receipt for well made bad decisions

I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life

Cloudy with a Chance of Calzones

I like to leave the chip bag open so they absorb the flavor of my house

She’s more like hot sauce and less like Xanax

With the skills and abilities I have at talking myself out of bed in the morning, I should be a hostage negotiator.

At least the musical gear I purchase is never recalled for salmonella or e coli or some shit like that

“I’m out on a day pass and have a curfew,” I flirted.

Got tased at bingo again

What wine pairs well with shut the fuck up?

My brain can remember a random event from 10 years ago, but can easily forget why I walked into a room 10 seconds ago.

You know she’s in the holiday spirit when she gets some mistletoe tattooed on her ass

I already miss hating the summer heat

Is it okay to drag your feet and shock someone on the first date?

Like a bad sequel, I’m back. Same plot, less budget

Happy low tire pressure season to all who celebrate.

day 2468 of hitting the pizza button on the microwave and still no pizza

Hot Take: Eggnog is the cranberry sauce of Christmas.

My bank flagged my debit card for fraud because I spent $46 at the liquor store. Like omg assholes, sometimes I’m fun.

Happy Holidayzzz indeed!

Just think, a couple million years ago we wouldn’t have to be dealing with any of this shit

Mirror mirror on the wall why did I walk into this room?

Did she blindside you, or did she blind you with science? Be more specific please

Just assume everything you see isn’t real