computer going to take my job? no. i’ll pour water on it

Here’s my Spotify Wrapped 🎵✨

Everyone is getting upset about the data centers. They pollute a lot and use a lot of energy and will eventually be very ugly/huge vacant buildings. And I understand being mad about that. Until you consider the state of the lazer tag industry at this moment, and how much help that sector needs.

People will say anything on here. “We used to be a proper country,” no we didn’t. That’s not true.

"I support genocide" Cop: "that's fine" Surprised he didn't get arrested by a cop misunderstanding what he was saying tbh

[blind date] WOMAN: When I saw your photo I assumed you would be the man *holding* the fish. FISH: [flipping and flopping about on the table] Can we talk about this later.

DATE: Aren’t you the guy who tells ridiculous lies to try and impress people ME: No, I’m the guy who once roundhouse kicked a tree to death

very funny to see the Greens being treated like the official opposition, clearly Labour are absolutely rattled

The 50 wealthiest families own more wealth than the bottom 50% of the population. How can this Labour Government say this is a "cost of living" budget and refuse to tax the rich? They care about protecting power and wealth. And cost of living is a buzz phrase for them. Dire.

I feel like it is culturally important to note that I recently played an old episode of the Simpsons on Disney+ for some kids and then a random newer episode and the kids, unprompted, were like “how come this isn’t as funny?” so it’s not just nostalgia we are correct

My favourite Zoomer is watching The Great Escape and has just messaged me to say, "This film is just Chicken Run," and it's absolutely done me in.

What many politicians don't realise - or want to understand - is that many of the "highly-skilled" immigrants whose labour they crave were raised by the same asylum seekers and refugees they openly despise. They take the racist political rhetoric personally, and act accordingly. Why wouldn't they?

Sometimes Jimmi Pickles gets bored when I’m working and I’ll look up and she’s just in some random place

Someone needs to tell Shabana Mahmood that the strategy of putting a minority Home Secretary in to sanitise the racism only works if you don't call this much attention to it.

what gets me about all these corrupt MPs is just how cheap they are lob a Labour MP a couple of grand and they'll personally shit in a river for you

I know this is hardly in the top 10 worst things about Starmer but my god his handwriting is shit

Did a horse write this?

UK Politics update: the party currently doing austerity because the the previous party did austerity is warning that the poll-leading party will do austerity All three parties confess themselves baffled at the UK's low morale & economic growth, but are confident that things will pick up soon 🫡

one simple fix here is to make a world that you'd actually want to bring a child into, and put everyone who says that doing so would be expensive and unrealistic into an individually-sized tupperware® container

Unfortunately I don’t believe in using the word “zoomies,” but yes. Your dog is popping off.

The thought of Labour people in tears as they're wiped out is too delicious, too succulent - just wish we could have it now.

“I don’t think you understand. This place? It belongs to me and my friends now. You can either leave through the door, or through the window. Capeesh?”

white house has joined bluesky click here to block all official us government accounts instantly bsky.app/profile/did:...

On World Bread Day I'm celebrating this tweet cos every time I make toast i think "cook it again"

I ❤️ Viz

All my comics have happy endings!

I like to play video games to experience magical points of view ill never get in real life

I heard a piano fell on him like in a Looney Tunes cartoon

The University of Glasgow groundspeople are going to be quite annoyed when they come in to work tomorrow...

just privatise one more industry bro. i promise bro just one more industry and we’ll have achieved capitalist equilibrium and prices will come down. it’s just one more industry bro. please

Starmer on Tuesday: "We must stand against racism" Starmer on Wednesday: "Human rights laws are stopping us sending people to face torture so we need to rethink them." Labour on Tuesday: "Labour is the party of working people" Labour on Wednesday: "If your boss mistreats you, tough shit"

forever angry about how the word "safeguarding" has been appropriated by some of the worst people on Earth who use it to mean "getting my own way"

"Supporting racism doesn't make you a racist" absolutely amazing latest galaxy-brain line that Labour is pushing that will surely appeal to everyone

Tempted to cancel my membership purely based on the nerve of disabling replies to this tbh

got raptured, sorry. my 2009 honda is stuck in the middle lane of the freeway, just kinda idling. can somebody go pick it up. yeah i'm back. it was boring there, you can't post

Starmer's speedrunning the coveted 0% polling, he's found ways to alienate everyone that shouldn't be physically possible, he's out of bounds, he's zip-skipping, he's manipulating code by picking up items and dropping them a specific number of times and then punching himself in the head

Anyway I bought a house everyone congratulate me please

Amazing because Led By Donkeys is such a benign protest group, this is like arresting Mock the Week

Keir Starmer has already rang the CPS begging them to drop the charges

been very hard to watch a bunch of 50-year-old podcasters come to terms with having a job.

imagine getting qt dunked by ed davey. unrecoverable. you’re furious and he is serenely going down a log flume in bognor regis.

FINALLY. You wouldn't believe the trouble I've had rotating my horse manually.

I can’t quite put it into words yet, but something is happening, a kind of global singularity—a fusion of tech/media/news/government/employment which allows the global elite to push single agendas: “You WILL care about Charlie Kirk. You will NOT care about Palestine. You WILL fear cancel culture.”

This is good; "Minister of Hypocrisy Wes Streeting" "So there we have it. One Irish person is charged with ‘terrorism’ in a UK court for speaking out against violence, while another Irish person is being held up as a victim of unfree speech for speaking out in favour of violence."

I know it's a serious topic but I'm losing my shit at this image preview

Two trials will be repeated endlessly despite always producing the same results: 1) Does UBI work? (yes) 2) Does AI improve productivity? (no)

Buying a house is scary. What if I hate it and want to go home?