Saw this yard sign yesterday and have thought of it about 200 times since then. The phrase “Cancer sucks. Bargains don’t” will stay with me forever.

LEAVE HER ALONE

Imagine if dogs knew there were bones inside them

I am Jack’s Inability To Explain The Offside Rule No Matter How Many Times It’s Explained To Me.

imagining a grizzled hardboiled detective saying this while gripping some guy's lapels at a shady bar

Me if I refereed a World Cup game.

Never pass up a chance to share this story. There's always someone who hasn't heard it, always someone waiting to experience the joy of reading about it for the first time.

AI is inevitable. That's why we're sneaking it into everything, hiding it in hard to find and turn off places, forcing it into products that don't need it, suddenly claiming old things we've always done is now done with AI. Because it's inevitable. You don't need to do all that when things aren't.

wake up babe the white house is a six flags

Love the glimpse into the beautiful mind that notated this used copy of Moby Dick I got

I wrote this! Hooray seniors! defector.com/wow-americas...

Videos where graduates boo tone deaf speakers who are excitedly talking about how great ai is and then confused when they’re being booed? Pump it into my veins.

Imitation is the sincerest form of stealing my idea

the year is 2026. a penile implant surgeon that runs a YouTube series called Erection Connection has been chosen by the Trump administration to handle the hantavirus outbreak. we’re all going to die.

Exactly this

I have lost years of my life repositioning and straightening the removable pads that come in sports bras and bathing suits.

just learned about beekeeping dogs who sniff out bad larvae 🥹

has the new york times ever thought about doing a focus group with someone who has read a book

me (being murdered): hey i need to switch the laundry murderer (stops murdering): oh no you don't want that stuff sitting in the washer too long

I’ll allow it.

The amount of misinformation we’re getting about an incident that just occurred in front of 1,500 news reporters is truly the metaphor of our generation.

social media was a wonderful brain toilet for every random half thought you didn't want to bother real people with before they decided to move all of society and infrastructure and government inside of the toilet

another banner day for "if you didn't know sports were real, ESPN headlines would be crazy"

Saw your boyfriend driving downtown today.

i bet being in a pool is like jail for the water

Am I the only person who watched the Terminator movies?? I feel like I’m going insane.

VERY COOL PERSON: It's four-twenty, you know what that means? ME: Hell yeah! [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

I'm not joking when I say mRNA technology is more important than "AI" and it's a tragedy we're throwing billions into one while our government is aggressively defunding the other.

New poem from me!!!!!!! Death!! Loquaciousness!! Phone calls!! Walmarts in the afterlife!!!!

A+ headline. defector.com/president-ex...

I can't stop laughing at this post. It's perfect.

Take a moment to remember how weird it is our president communicates with us through a bottom-tier social media site called Truth Social. It’s like if he governed from the comment section of a porn site.

A last-minute ceasefire doesn’t erase President Trump’s reckless decisions that got us here. Congress must immediately return to DC to pass the War Powers Resolution and remove the President from office.

How it feels doing literally any task right now.

so many of you do not perceive other people as being real

He is insane. And this is an open declaration of intended genocide. If any other world leader said this, there would be sanctions and an arrest warrant, not just for him, but for his whole regime.

No big deal just a solar eclipse as seen from the moon streamed to us here on Earth by astronauts who are farther away from their home planet than any human has ever been

I got such joy watching Christina pass out gum to everyone and then put on some chapstick. Just normal boring human roadtrip things a gazillion miles from Earth.

Listen up Chads! Today all you alphas are going to be emotions-maxxing by JOURNALING your FEELINGS.

April fools only works when reality isn't this stupid.

Hey, look. It's a decent scan of this legendary image!

whats important is that we're all screaming at each other

reopening the thing that was only closed because of the dumb war is now a top priority of the dumb war, follow me for more world-class military strategy

She was the Belle of the Pickle Ball

Happy St. Patrick's Day, New York.

If they wanted us to talk nicely about them, they shouldn't have made so many terrible rulings.

My head is congested so I took a bath but I made the water so hot I was worried I’d sous-vided my brain.

Also “why is this grocery store DJ playing banger after banger?”