I’m forgetting what you did last summer ooh hang on don’t tell me

Oh, probably just collapse into a pile of goo, you?

Sweet boy

Homemade drying rack getting kinda full

My dog sleeps 23 hours of the day so that she'll be really energetic when the Vikings invade.

After careful consideration, I've decided to win the lottery.

Ever get stuck appreciating the mouth feel of a word? Like, ameliorate, ameliorate, ameliorate. Delicious.

Why is oversight the opposite of overlooking

A peek through the rain clouds

Can't. I have six tries to find a hidden five-letter word.

A conclave of rubber ducks meets in the deep woods once every decade to discuss their centuries long anthropological study of the human race. #TinyStories

If you stand outside under the full moon with a Tootsie pop upheld in each hand, an owl or two will come to answer life's biggest mysteries, or give you winning lottery numbers...or just steal the suckers and fly away. It's a toss-up. Owls are unpredictable creatures.

stagflation is when we don't have enough doe

My skeets are rare and hard to catch, like a really cool butterfly or a tropical disease

SHIIIT - where's my phone??

Ammonia and salmonella would be beautiful names for twin girls who are also mortal enemies

When you're floating up in an abduction ray it's like you have all the time in your world to wonder "is this a notification"

Whenever anyone mentions cranking hog I picture them winding up a big pig's tail like they're powering up an old model-T

That weird space left by a deleted word is where I live

More like...like ewww.

Chugging canola oil for its calming effect.

If you’ve ever felt cursed—congratulations. You’ve been chosen. You’re the only one who can break it.

"I believe in letting things heal naturally," I say, welcoming the demon blood pathogens in through my open chest wound.

Older women, making eye contact and smiling maniacally, as they pass you by without saying a word.

When the tiger comes down the mountain, the dragon will follow. There are hotdogs a outside and I will not sour the taste of spearmint for the moment, but I'm tempted. My stomach is yearning for the links

A cloud could be shaped like an ice cube and furnished like a sunny day nothing in this ill-condensed life is worth a deposit

Some days gravity tugs a little harder on you but that just means you're trying not to fall in love with centrifugal force

In the beginning of magic it wasn't a big deal. Oh it's magic if this happens, okay. But then robes got caught up in how are we supposed to wash these if we do not say okay about tags also and tumble dry low just sounded more exotic

Neither shitposter nor hitposter but a secret absurd thing (fortune pierogi)

How far away are we from being able to send an electrical charge over the internet so it zaps you as soon as you touch your keyboard?

Every time I go to listen to a book- that's like seeing a smell, isn't it? Yeah, ummm, but then the voice says, "This is audible.". I'm like duh it's audible because I can hear it. Anyway, Jasmine got a ticket for parking her car on a sidewalk. The cop told her she should probably stop driving.

I'm telling ya, this dog is a strange little man

Enter The Dragon [1973] Dragon: “Now, what did I come in here for again?”

Oh what a wicked game we play When we order the savory cheese soufflé

There's no way to get away with murder in this town but it's still always packed at the Trunk & Shovel, seriously though the tap water took our passion

I'm like, "It's weird, I'm actually not worried about tomorrow," and then Anxiety is like, "yeah, that's because you're going to die, but you're ALSO stupid"

Stretch my flayed flesh over a series of canvas frames and paint me like one of your French girls.

Starting a petition to form an alliance of states where people don’t say “warsh”

you may never understand why we must leave the quiet ones alone Until you become one #brokenpoet

I know a clam cop down on the Cape. Here’s his number. Just say “cherrystones on the half shell” when he picks up and everything will be taken care of.

I call dibs on writing a song called "marzipan platypus"

*POW* *squish* *SLAM* *poof* *KAPOW* *pssh* *BANG* *drip* *WHAM* *crying* [me fighting 60s Batman]

If even a mouse wasn't stirring the night before Christmas I bet it froze to death and right before Christmas too! That song made Sonny Ollenborger cry in fourth grade music class because his grandpa died. His grandpa must've really loved mice. Anyway, I tied up my boyfriend. The TV remote is mine!

Trump, dying: They don’t actually want you to know tomatoes is fruit. The woke pyramid tells you it’s vegetable. We love sandwich. Beautiful turkey, some ham, does very well. The Swiss have been treating us poorly for decades, charging for the whole slice

@cyriltheaccountant.bsky.social Cyril! There's a new adding machine exhibit at the museum for office equipment! You should take me there and take me to my favorite Italian place and use the tablecloth as a bib and forget it's tucked in your shirt when you get up to use the restroom and everything ge