wonka if literal: chocolate labs

sports teams at a rural school was brutal, like hard-hitting 12 year olds in Red Team vs speedy six year olds in Blue Team, then one with accidentally just girls + Diverse Opinions about going as Pink Team, then like fkn Hufflepuff which was just the fetal alcohol kid and me with a note from my mum

Just saw a guy write "life lesson" as "life lesion" and honestly? Can't tell if that's deliberate or not, but apt, very apt.

What he said: "The roosters are starting to crow." What I heard: "Baristas are starting to crawl."

Me: Good afternoon, Mistress Bumblebee! I know that you are friendly and unlikely to harm me. Let us spend time together in the garden today! Bee: Yo wassup, lemme live inside your shirt. Me: eeeeeeeee

Ho hum, another night, another day of not meeting an introvert with a foot fetish who just wants to massage my feet for two hours and then go home with my shoe.

5AM in Aotearoa New Zealand Boyfriend [wandering out sleepily]: Babe, why aren't you in bed? Me [eyes glued to phone]: Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor got arrested. But that's not why I'm up. Puppy fell asleep on the couch and I didn't want to wake her.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

We don't ask "What's the haps?" any more. We established what the haps was.

Next time some bozo tries to insist that a woman's prime is based on how many eggs she has left, point out that females lose between 60% and 85% of their oocytes (immature eggs) before they are born. Then close a used menstrual pad into his laptop, and when he opens it, go "Meet your new bride!"

Just discovered that the ex I have been describing for 20 years as my ideal body type - strikingly tall, unusually long arms and legs, very slim, exceptionally long fingers, "almost like Marfan Syndrome" - does, in fact, have Marfan Syndrome. There truly is somebody out there to perve on everyone.

This gynecologist appointment could have been an email.

Refreshing my screen every ten minutes to see if Mitch McConnell is still alive.

When a pig enters a palace, the pig does not become a king. The palace becomes a sty.

What were electric eels called before electricity was invented? (The answer will shock you!)

"What are you libs going to do about CLINTON being in the Epstein files?!" We keep TELLING you, we DON'T LIKE HIM. Call us back if Dolly Parton shows up in there.

WWJS (Who Would Jesus Shoot?)

Jumbling I'm day every

Sesame Street is gonna introduce a new Muppet who had a parent dragged away by ICE.

I don't know why you were disappointed by my folder of midget porn. Of course it was a bunch of photos of the tops of people's heads. Midgets are fucken short.

Make it clear to him that the Male Loneliness Epidemic is just women saying "No deal" to this and dating each other instead.

The Okinawan blueberry hermit crab looks like it just told Bruce Willis that it sees dead people.

This is just like the time I time I sent my friend a photo of that hilarious Helen Keller Denier Club bumper sticker and then found out it wasn't a joke.

It's called "buttercream", but you have to keep applying it every hour.

When they made me, they broke the mould. And then they jumped up and down on the pieces of the mould, just to make sure.

We captured two feral kittens three weeks ago but did not manage to trap their mother until this afternoon. We were concerned that once reunited they would recommence nursing and revert from their weaning. Our fears were unfounded.

I just found this in my folder from the week of December 19. Of course, the files weren't all released on the 19th. A million more were found just last week.

News in the 21st century is wild.

Orange Republic? They've released a new flavour since Banana?

Fucken hate paisley pattern. Nasty bloated jelly cell flagellum ass looking print. If I wanted upper class sperm marks on my clothing I'd seduce the King, and go PROPER traditional.

Start your New Year off: ❌ Good, to begin on a strong note ❌ Bad, so it's all up from there ✅ Tacky and gay, can't stop won't stop

NASCAR race but everyone has to keep to the speed limit.

Shout out to my dad's new green bathroom lightshade for making me think I was dying of jaundice.

Merry Christmas from the most unhinged wreath anybody has ever beheld.

Who has two thumbs and two rescued feral kittens, and the kittens are biting and scratching those thumbs? This guy! [double blood splatter]

"Oh, you have an ugly Christmas jumper? No, no, it's cute, I suppose I just go for something a little more... artisan." [hot-gluing tinsel to a sock]

"Misplaced self-assurance is anathaema to all." (Oh, that's good, I should write that one down.)

Guy told me that I should be in the kitchen making him a sandwich. I told him he should be in the kitchen putting me up some shelves. The difference between when misogynists pull out old-timey gender roles and when I do it is that I know how to make a sandwich.

Duc' tape. Heal the rift.

Doctor: So why are you here today? Me: My IBS is chronic and my buttocks polyphonic. Doctor: Firstly, please stop showing up here without an appointment. Secondly, this is Opthalmology. Me: I couldn't read the sign. Doctor: FINE we can at least get you help with THAT, take a seat. Me: I can't.

"He isn't a paedophile, he's an ephebophile!" Sorry, boo... All Kids Matter

Anything can be a palindrome when you can't spell for shiths

"If all males died today we could still harvest sperm from their corpses for several hours." and other sentences I didn't ever expect to be making

Men on dating sites go "Life's too short", then follow it with "I like amateur tinkering with cars, watching other men play sports while I just sit there, and walking." Fucking buy a new car and drive it to the museum so your life isn't so boring that nobody wants to waste theirs sharing it, mate.

doctor: my child you are officially diagnosed with eagle syndrome me: decades of suffering and medical disbelief at an end! when is surgery? doctor: k so the operation is more dangerous than open brain surgery, one slip and you bleed out on the operating table sorry me: no no that's even better

This guy is probably gonna get a date.

Wrong. Jim Jones made his followers give him their money and passports as part of the Jonestown move. The actual difference between Trump and Jim Jones is that Trump wouldn't kill himself after he had made everyone else go through with it.

Slipping into something a little more comfortable (depravity)

Crime Doco: The tale of a SICK, SADISTIC, UNBELIEVABLY TWISTED murder Me: Yaaayyy! Crime Doco: that was never solved. Me: Boooo [changes channel]

Q. What did RFK Jr.'s brain worm die of? A. Starvation.