Me: fucken hate winter Brain: bitch you never leave the house Me: yeah but I know it's out there

Clothing storage became much easier once I stopped trying to categorise garments by size, type, or season, and just sorted them into drawers by two types: "Slovenly" and "Too Nice To Wear".

I just yeeted my half-eaten bag of caramel popcorn across the room in the hope that I would be too lazy to get up and retrieve it to eat more. Follow me for more dieting tricks!

"You Can Now Watch the Whitechapel Fatberg's Decay on Livestream!" Um, hell no? I'll watch it on a time-lapse like a normal person, thanks.

duh he kinda famously wore a ring

Guiding my elderly dog down a dark hallway by turning my bright phone screen to my face and walking backwards so she may follow my disembodied glowing visage to the bedroom.

No, I... I want my shoes to look as if they might kill a person who looked upon them unprepared.

Was dissing Columbus (as ya do) and some dude insisted that I reeked of self hatred and by my logic all euro Americans should be whipping themselves. Told him I'm not from his continent so his judgement was way off on that one, but fully support the white American flagellation idea, hop to it mate.

"I have to use AI, I don't have an alternative!" Yes, you do. Literally just do what people in your field were doing three years ago. I have impacted turds in my colon that are older than Chat GPT.

"I'm not saying I'm a hot mess, but I got the crinkles out of this dress by drying myself on it." and other things I'll blurt out on a first date

The best revenge is living well. The second best revenge is paying a ninja to shave off their eyebrows.

"So he's your... uncle from another bruncle."

blocking him isn't enough i need him to see me surrounded by my admirers

Had a pork chop and salad for supper and ripped up the roof of my mouth. Salad. This isn't even an Audrey II situation, I lost to a plant that was already dead.

Me: The bathroom scales went flat. Boyfriend: Do you have a replacement battery? Me: No; I mean I squashed them.

What I think I'm typing in response to your compliment: "Thank you for the butterflies!" What Autocorrect thinks I'm typing in response to your compliment: "Thank you for the buttocks!" Autocorrect is a hoe

I put the "hoe" in "staying home".

Can't afford butter for the bread, can't afford parking for the circuses.

I'm sorry I wrote "AI slop" in response to your erotic feet photos. Seriously though, what is up with all your toes?

Boyfriend is giving completely offensive and unreasonable suggestions like "You can load the washer at night and I can start it in the morning so the laundry doesn't sit wet in the machine all night, babe," while I return genius counterpoints like "NoOOoo," and "I have a SYSTEM."

Narcissism runs in families, and while my psychiatrist says I'm not one, there's enough coding there that watching Hoarders makes me tidy up, and watching My 600 Pound Life makes me exercise by activating my sleeper conditioning of "I'm better than that".

The Venn diagram of the people saying this and the ones who said they would never vote for Hillary because of Benghazi is a circle.

Explaining to the kids that they still have to clean their teeth even if they plan to die tragically young, because "I didn't think that I would live to be thirty" is a really uncomfortable explanation to have to give your dentist when she asks why you didn't floss. Trust me on this one, children.

hmm this is not ideal

If you are having a bad day, please look at this fugly feral cat we trapped last year and know that she has two entire families invested in her well-being now.

Me: Mwamwamwamwamwamwamwa. You need kissies. Mwamwamwamwamwamwamwa. You got a funny wee head. Dog That Needs Kissies and's got a funny wee head: [resigned grunt]

The first person to see a pelican yawn was probably not all right for quite a while.

In *honour* of Earth Day, today my posts will consist of over 90% recycled material.

I'll have you know I was asking that before Trump even ran for office.

I lived through Baja Nuclear Winter and all I got was this suspicious new meat on the Taco Bell menu.

not every woman could pull off having this dark of a moustache

My neck, my back, My big panic attack

They cast me out because of my terrible cooking skills.

Eating M&Ms off the floor = charcuterie board

Good news guys, sounds like it didn't sink after all and everyone was fine. Haven't watched the video yet, but am looking forward to finding out how they orchestrated the iceberg hoax.

True crime shows are always like "The family didn't believe that their loved one could be the killer!" That wouldn't happen to me. I can easily believe that most of my relatives could kill somebody. Honestly kinda surprised that none of them have yet.

Based off what he tries to do in bed the most, my boyfriend's kink is grinding his teeth.

Clearing out my medicine drawer and mocking myself as if I were a client on Hoarders. Presenter: This is SO MANY laxatives! Why did you think you need to keep ALL these laxatives? Mumbling: Well it just seemed a waste to frow dem out. I fought maybe I might need dem. Presenter: They're EXPIRED.

Bestie [staggering out of bedroom]: Please... it is 4AM... Me: I am so sorry. I... did not register that I was singing out loud.

One of the men being crucified beside Jesus said, “If you are the Christ, save yourself and us.” But the other man said to Jesus, “Lord, remember me when you come into your holy nation.” Jesus said to him, “Both of you are going to Hell. I am tough on crime.”

They were right. As the Bible clearly states, "Faith without works is dead."

I saw the best minds of my generation descend into shitposting.

Rogan Josh is probably the only curry people get named after.

Making a career selling maps to secret gardens as if they were celebrity homes

Face it," anklet" and "ankle bracelet" are no longer synonymous.

"The victim was immediately identified by his full-body Picasso tattoo, but it did take a few tries to put him back together the right way."

It isn't fair that I miss you all day waking And search for you every night dreaming

Jokingly told my stepson I was going to bribe him with lollies until I was his favourite. He said I could be his sixth favourite, behind his dad (5th favourite), his mum, and three cats. His brother didn't even make the list.

Stepson (13): SHIT!! Me: Hey. Remember what we talked about where you aren't meant to swear so people think I'm a good role model. Stepson: But the guy just exploded! Me: In a video game. When you see a guy explode in real life, you can swear.

Dreamt that I had discovered a new bone in the human spine. Woke up to find I was lying on a pencil.