TRUMP: We’re touching the stove, folks. We’re touching it like never before. They’re saying the stove is too “hot” but we don’t believe them do we DIPSHIT BOAT OWNER IN CROWD (BARELY AUDIBLE): Hell no!

If the the US wins this game, Hellebuyk gets the gold medal. The rest of the team should have to share the 2nd place podium with Canada

what happens if you eat all that food and you don’t even get smart. i guess they… interview you about the energy it takes to train an ai model

Genuinely the least unhinged thing he has said

Gonna tell my kids that this was Bad Bunny

When I open a can of cat food and some gets on my hand

YES! YES!

2018

Major forces of capital are deeply connected to a level of crime they themselves would use to justify murder by remote control...Yet a significant portion of a complicit society is cool with it as long as certain people in their vicinity and the world over are terrorized anyway good morning

You can test new tech ideas using the Seinfeld Test Would the product eliminate the plot of an episode? (Google maps, cell phones, paypal, battery packs) Good tech. Would the product inspire new Seinfeld plots? (NFTs, AI chatbots, crypto currency, blindboxes, metaverse land sales) Bad tech.

can't even joke. 6 am on christmas morning and itching for his kids to disappear so he can jet to pedophile paradise. would be the most hollow slimy creature on god's earth if not for the rest of his outlook address book.

every epstein file drop underscores how elite power operates through shared socio-economic networks, regardless of people's ideological differences, populist posturing, or public feuds

Fuck it. I am voting for Elliot Forhan.

yes, Dems are 100% ok with it. if they weren’t, they wouldn’t have voted for it dozens of times or tried to hit Republicans from the right for not being “serious about the border” during the 2024 election or be totally abdicate fighting against it now. but they did all that, they’re social fascists

This kind of guy has actually existed for for centuries. This type of guy is rooted into the very ethos of our country from its very foundation from the puritans coming over. Anybody with a morsel of power or economic favor has a persecution complex about it being taken away. Social media is new.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

One may call it… barbarism

This is like when your boss at work openly admits that they’re incompetent without realizing it except this is actually important

He grated like 1/4 of the block of cheese in like 6 seconds. Generational talent

Man I fucking hate the Eagles but this is so good

amazing how the entire machine can pivot within 24 hours. no need to slowly upsell the argument; just issue new marching orders

For some reason this tweet comes to mind today.

Isn’t it cool that we’ve had 3+ decades of movies and other media denouncing how overly commericalized and consumer-centric Christmas is and things have proceeded to only get worse?

we should do it

JAMES LIPTON: As you know we do a survey inspired by the great Bernard Pivot. What is your favorite word? JJ MCCARTHY: Touchdown. LIPTON: Can we speak to Nine? MCCARTHY: (ducks down puts on enormous amount of eye black) LIPTON: Nine, what is your favorite word? NINE (rasping like batman): meat

In the face of everything happening, “the primaries” are still where people think this will be fixed. We’re so fucked.

Christmas movie about a guy who accidentally chugs Santa’s bone juice while on vacation in Italy and everyone’s mad at him but he develops the power to know what gifts everybody wants. And then at the end it turns out Santa’s bone juice was in a different cup and he had the magic in him all along

From The Archives: Why American Hubris Will Never Catch Up To Us

I wish that my monkey knew sign language [several fingers on the monkey's paw curl]

To say this and then to completely miss the contextual issue with “desired genetic characteristics” is very on point for somebody who is still tripling down

still not sure why I ever played this MMO

people, you have the chance to put my book ahead of Olivia Nuzzi’s on the bestseller list. put aside all other considerations and think how objectively funny this would be. #1, that Mountain Goats guy. #2, Antivax Man Has My Heart. funniest list of the century. We can do this if we try

JAKE TAPPER: You called on Hegseth to release the full tapes of the attack. What sort of action are Democrats prepared to take to make this happen? CHUCK SCHUMER: We hope that they will release the tapes.

2028: "Strong rope, no floor"

As a centrist, I think Donald Trump is bad, but the political and economic conditions that enabled him to become president twice are good

"Elon Musk is personally responsible for the deaths of at least 400,000 children" is a stat that should be cited every time he and his pervert fanboys start yapping about birth rates

ACAB includes the trombone player in the NYPD marching band.

Grandma Thankfully Dies Before Sister’s Girlfriend Arrives https://theonion.com/grandma-thankfully-dies-before-sisters-girlfriend-arrives/

RFK Jr. Denies Ever Laying Eggs In Olivia Nuzzi https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-denies-ever-laying-eggs-in-olivia-nuzzi/

Derrick Brown batting down that pass reminds me of every video of a little kid getting swatted on a mini hoop

just told my parents about my ai girlfriend and now i'm the only 35 year old in this orphanage

Rolling out the Matt Christman quote from after Charlottesville (2017) again:

“Field goals killed my father” - Mike McDaniel, apparently