You can’t get this level of dynamite on the River Thames, you filthy tea-sippers

Clark W. Griswold didn't invent food additives and preservatives in 1983 for my tub of store-bought, industrial spice guacamole to turn into mud salsa in three business days in my refrigerator.

Clark W. Griswold didn't invent food additives and preservatives in 1983 for my tub of store-bought, industrial spice guacamole to turn into mud salsa in three business days in my refrigerator.

The best part of the World Cup being in this godforsaken country is Europeans posting videos having biscuits and gravy and Popeyes chicken for the first time and exploding like a medieval peasant farmer being given one cool ranch Dorito

You can’t get this level of dynamite on the River Thames, you filthy tea-sippers

The best part of the World Cup being in this godforsaken country is Europeans posting videos having biscuits and gravy and Popeyes chicken for the first time and exploding like a medieval peasant farmer being given one cool ranch Dorito

Bought a rosin bag based purely on the font printed on the outside of the bag.

If you have a weird relationship with your father, don’t sweat today. I’m your fun, weekend dad, and I think you’re doing great and I’m very proud of you. Keep being the best version of you.

I’m going to post two YouTube videos of Tom Jones, because fuck it. Stick around here on this one to see Wilson Pickett vaporize The Beatles to atoms: youtu.be/KcksrDIxizI?...

I’d rather be dragged behind a truck than order a tableside Caesar salad. There’s no need to make salad dressing a spectator sport. Make that in private.

I will pay extra to have that guacamole prepared at a different tableside. Please. Stop making eye contact with me. Can I help? Isn’t there a kitchen? Why are we allowing this to happen as a society

lol shut up

I will pay extra to have that guacamole prepared at a different tableside. Please. Stop making eye contact with me. Can I help? Isn’t there a kitchen? Why are we allowing this to happen as a society

1. They could put asbestos in Cheetos and I would still eat them and lick the inside of the bag. 2. Anyone who worked for DOGE in any capacity needs to be arrested, tried, and convicted of treason. Close down all the ICE concentration camps but keep Alligator Alcatraz open for those fucking nerds

Saw an interview with Steven Spielberg and he was saying how heartbroken he was his first choice for Alan Grant in Jurassic Park turned him down. His first choice was Harrison Ford. That path not taken has haunted me all day.

Well well well, if it isn’t the Blowiob Brothers

I’ve never been to Telluride. I’ve never been fly fishing. These animals called me to make sure I was serious I guess about this order. I told them I’d stop in and see them next time I was in Telluride visiting Ralph. Ralph Lauren. My real friend. I’m so sick.

Well well well, if it isn’t the Blowiob Brothers

Watching Oceans 12 on TNT For 100th time. Not the best one clearly, but it’s pretty great until Julia Roberts shows up and pretends to be Julia Roberts Also makes you retroactively mad Bruce Willis turned down the role of Terry Benedict in 11

Going to start a small community aura farm co-op for a farm to table frame moggers. Should be up and running in six, seven months.

The only silver lining to these emails is gifts for Dads and Grads lists. Fuck yeah I want an apron for grilling alone on the porch because I hate my stupid kids. Damn right I want a brass letter opener for the rejection notes about my coming of age memoir I wrote when I was 22 and an idiot

Going to start a small community aura farm co-op for a farm to table frame moggers. Should be up and running in six, seven months.

Look at my opposition party, dawg, they are supporting a literal Nazi. We are all going to jail

Gladiator is on TV so it’s as good a time as any to share how Oliver Reed died:

Look at my opposition party, dawg, they are supporting a literal Nazi. We are all going to jail

The hyperlite backpacking YouTube videos brainwashed into buying a bunch of stuff from Garage Grown Gear and all of it is awesome. Anyway, brainwashing is good and I’m never going camping

I hope the Spurs win by 200 points tonight.

The hyperlite backpacking YouTube videos brainwashed into buying a bunch of stuff from Garage Grown Gear and all of it is awesome. Anyway, brainwashing is good and I’m never going camping

This is brought to you by someone saying “maybe we should ask ChatGPT.” Maybe you should ask your toaster in the fucking bathtub

Remember how you used to just know everyone’s phone number? Then cell phones came out and you could barely recite your own number? That’s what AI’s endgame is but for every aspect of your life.

Remember how you used to just know everyone’s phone number? Then cell phones came out and you could barely recite your own number? That’s what AI’s endgame is but for every aspect of your life.

I'd like to state for the record, I do know what "communist" and "Nazi" means. But look at how tough and cool this Platner supporter is.

Platner got a Nazi tattoo on purpose. He covered it up with a white supremacist tattoo on purpose. He’s a misogynist on purpose. He’s a piece of shit rich kid Nazi playing dress up as a working man who hates women. Fuck him and any Democrat that supports him.

Platner got a Nazi tattoo on purpose. He covered it up with a white supremacist tattoo on purpose. He’s a misogynist on purpose. He’s a piece of shit rich kid Nazi playing dress up as a working man who hates women. Fuck him and any Democrat that supports him.

I like buying one thing from one store eight years ago and getting daily emails from that store the rest of my life. It’s a solid deal really.

I like buying one thing from one store eight years ago and getting daily emails from that store the rest of my life. It’s a solid deal really.

Get one of those carb smart tortillas, fill the thing with shredded cabbage and sriracha, roll it up and you'll have an entire day's worth of fiber and the worst burrito you've ever had in your life. Follow me for more tips and tricks.

Happy pride month. As always, I’m very proud of all you. Yes, even you, you giant weirdo.

My stylist: “your wife has been cutting your hair?” Me: “yes” My stylist: “she gave you a bob.” Me: “okay.” My stylist: “it’s a BEAUTIFUL bob. But still.” Me: “fine.”

I have six different socket sets, all of them missing the 10mm socket. This is my sewer slide note.

Pretty sure the weird Japanese pomade I bought is just new car smell. Attacked from all directions. Might flip out.

I have six different socket sets, all of them missing the 10mm socket. This is my sewer slide note.

My stylist: “your wife has been cutting your hair?” Me: “yes” My stylist: “she gave you a bob.” Me: “okay.” My stylist: “it’s a BEAUTIFUL bob. But still.” Me: “fine.”

Got a haircut for the first time in three years. People who have cut my hair in the last 15 years: My wife. Sal the Barber at Caesar’s Palace who decided to give me a spontaneous haircut after a shave and I tipped so much he tore up the room charge. And my stylist who is half man, half magician.

An all time great. Saved Star Wars and helped make George Lucas a billionaire.

"me and my friends would've killed E.T. with hammers I can tell you that much"