if i had a billion dollars i would simply not crash out at the slightest ego check i had to face i'd simply go "well i've got this billion dollars, i'mma go down gofundme for sick dogs and just pay for everything until i'm all cheered up"

In the abstract it's good that NYC still has some 1985-style rich guys, where it's just some potato-shaped blowhard dunce who owns a bunch of parking garages or some shitty family business everyone hates. That scene shouldn't all be hedge fund "poker guys" or whatever. But the 1985 guys suck, too.

Elon Musk looks like his facelift is about to lap itself from two directions at once.

In which our weary writer lays down at last his burden.

Good question but Lightning McQueen *is* a car so he would never have a robotic chauffeur

How funny would it be though if his car's autopilot accelerated into a wall just as his net worth reached $999 billion?

They explain how the witch got green, how she got her hat, her cape, her broom, how the monkeys got wings, how the lion become scared of things, and the sequel will cover how people became the tin man and scarecrow, but they never once explain why she's called Ariana Grande when she isn't very big

Way too early to be tickled by the thought that the guy who spent the most money to defeat Mamdani also changed all the rules to allow him to serve more than two terms.

Philosophy professor: *handing me my exam* I'm sorry but you got an F. Me: Or did I? Philosophy professor: *sighs and changes the grade to an A* This is a secret lifehack that Big Philosophy doesn't want you to know about.

Bill O'Reilly won't stop writing children's books, and @brendanmcginley.bsky.social can't stop writing about them. We've got more O'Reilly Factor for kids for you. 1900hotdog.com/2025/11/lear...

Gee, what I wouldn't give to see the look on the Baileys' faces when they open their paper copy of the New York Times this morning.

I am genuinely happy for you and the rest of New York City. Has to be just a phenomenal feeling.

I didn't vote for Cheney to die, there were just too many candidates on the ballot. But I'm okay with him winning.

big question of the night: why didnt NYC like the billionaire backed groper who killed their grandparents

A lot of Very Serious People will be pretending to be confused about What This All Means as a way to avoid the simple inconvenient reality: Voters like it when candidates are kind sincere non-weirdos who are passionate about big popular ideas that will actually help real people.

the long game paid off, boys....he walked right into our trap....little does he know its ILLEGAL to be mayor...

i hear people screaming with joy outside in brooklyn

Tuned in to this just in time to hear "We Didn't Start The Fire," but all I heard was the Bigfeets theme song and got immediately upset on behalf of @jamiekellyxxx.bsky.social, @brockway.bsky.social, @seanbaby.bsky.social, and @jasonkpargin.bsky.social.

President of the team of perennial losers?

i don’t like him, but, man, turning down $10M in favor of haterdom is an all-time, world-class, heavyweight champion hater move

If Mamdani takes the stage in a blue beret, I shall simply squeal.

NYT has called it, with 5/7 Seraphic circles reporting in, a Democrat will sit upon the throne of God for the first time in the history of the universe, huge wins across the map.

Oh was I rude to dick fuckin Cheney you God damn ghouls

Rough night for the Nursing Home Purge lobby.

And I LOVE how much money Ackman and Bloomberg lost. They allied themselves with monstrous bigotry and racism and got taken to the fucken cleaners. You're welcome, dirtbags.

it's obviously important that zohran won. but it's equally important that cuomo and the despicable, racist, contemptuous, arrogant, loathesome forces arrayed behind him were brutally defeated. they banked on new yorkers hating and fearing each other. and they lost. what a town.

there is a direct line from the rallies and protests growing to new people being activated and volunteering on campaigns to those campaigns winning despite huge billionaire spending against them organizing wins; we the people can win

The world is bleak but at least for the next couple of months we will have a steady supply of technocrat libs and establishment dems loudly shrinking and turning into corncobs

Today we celebrate Cuomo Boys taking L’s

roses are red big laughs are hearty

this year has been full of new york feeling like the new york that would help spider-man in his hour of need

Zohran Mamdani overcoming a nationwide smear campaign from both sides of the establishment once again proves that there is no substitute for simply being the person you say you are.

WOULD JAMES CARVILLE AND GAVIN NEWSOM LIKE TO COME FORWARD AND EAT SHIT

NYT CALLS IT GOODBYE FOREVER ANDREW CUOMO YOU CRUSTY OLD RACIST SHITBAG

This is not the end of anything (except for maybe Cuomo's political aspirations. He's going to go back to, I don't know, being rude to waiters, I guess) because no doubt there are vile things in store, but if you've been feeling doomed, allow yourself tonight

Everything they've done only sounded good within the confines of their faithful right-wing thought experiment podcasts, but now that it's been implemented, everyone has realized that, hey no, this sucks

Excited that tomorrow, Trump and his cronies are going to try to frame these wins as shady dealings by the "radical left," all while knowing, in the back of their minds, that they will continue to become less popular for the rest of their lives

*gesturing to literally everying* I've seen enough

billionaires lost tonight. you love to see it.

I expect to see Schumer's resignation letter on my desk in the morning.

i can’t believe a good thing happened we should do this more often

Normal People Don’t Want This Shit is running away with the vote tonight

I would like to give a shout out to @gregpak.net , my favorite politics uncle and tireless documentarian of NYC life. He deserves to feel amazing tonight for all his work showing what organizing and participating actually looks like. And he writes comic books good too!

curtis sliwa supporters currently booing andrew cuomo. he really did bring the city together

This account will be equal parts hopeful and gloating for the rest of the evening. To that end: Pour one out for the pile of NYC billionaire money that was utterly incinerated tonight!

Money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure pays misery to go away.

No easier, better-paying job than tech copywriter rehashing the mysterious value prop of every single client into the same meaningless: "Go to market with unique data—and the ability to act on it: Bring AI agents, enrichment, and intent data together and turn insights into relevant, timely action"

Waking up in Putingrad and putting on my dead father's boots to go to work at the Outrage Spam Factory.

Pretty weird that the people who text us non-stop asking for money write all the telecom laws about whether it's legal to text us non-stop asking for money.