When you’re watching an Olympic sport you’ve never seen: Commentator: Would you look at the way he did the pecan plait with a thruppence toot. He’s got to get this flapping jelly pitch perfect if he wants to do the triple pringle heseltine cleanly to qualify today

What has Gary Barlow done this time?

Looking forward the new @ITVX drama: The Beckhams. Starring Suranne Jones as Victoria Martin Freeman as David Paul Mescal as Brooklyn Sheridan Smith as Nicola Featuring Sir Ian McKellen as Sir Alex Ferguson.

Been siphoning a lot of stuff lately. Blood, oil, things of that nature. Important to have hobbies during these uncertain times.

Kemi Badenoch's spokesman claims the Conservatives are the "real opposition" to Labour. Asked about a poll this week putting them in fourth place, he replies "that was one poll. There's another poll out today where we're not." Journalist: "And where are you in that other poll?" "Third"

Would just like to say that Billy Nomates has made the album of the year. It’s utterly brilliant.

I see the triffids are quietly invading my local park again

The Lord of the Rings is a trilogy of epicfantasy adventure films directed by Peter Jackson. Pictured here on set are Bilbo Baggins, Saruman, and Treebeard.

I don't 'refuse to use' AI, I just don't use AI; in the same way that I don't shoplift, or plagiarise other people's books - it requires no effort of will, it's just not something I would think of doing

I watched a documentary yesterday where my favourite bit was the out of context shot of a policeman with a policeman coloured Spar carrier bag

The La-hast of us

I’m not classically educated, but I know a trap when I see one.

have you ever really thought about the scale and position of a goldfish cracker’s mouth if it was a real fish? it’s horrifying

"What makes you think I had anything to do with it?"

One of my favourite ever lads: egg thief

It’s actually bad luck to say MK.gee at a concert, you have to call him ‘The Scottish guitarist’.

Wow, what a horrific typo. Right on the cover.

Someone on another site peels his croissants before eating them and France has demanded the UN step in to stop his crimes

I love my local Facebook group

I love my local Facebook group

I love that in Cornwall they have a gritter called Daphne Du Meltier.

Thanks Amazon. I didn’t know my wheelie bin was a receptionist until today.

1/ So, where were we? Oh yep, #duvetknowitschristmas. Firstly, some admin: Twitter/X has evidently been run into the ground by a preening, self-radicalised clot, so while there's a slim possibility that this annual celebration might be thriving over there, I won't know cos I won't be looking.

Does anyone remotely sensible know what’s going on with these drones? Because it’s getting really WEIRD.

🎵Stuck Outside Of Lidl With A Rear Flat Tyre Again🎵

Not sure about the logo of my new local Facebook group tbh

Here is a short story about a relationship.

My first thoughts on the new Kendrick Lamar album: it's about Northern Heights, the 1930s plan to extend the Northern line to Crouch End, Muswell Hill and Alexandra Palace. "Blinding lights and onstage fights - but will mankind ever reach those Northern Heights?" A question we're all still asking.

Trouble in Ramsbottom

nobody does more brutal fashion reviews than the irish

Your actual Blue Nile being played at the Stadium of Light at half time. Easily the most thrilling moment of the evening so far.

I swear to god the only response to such a post from that man is this:

New insult for a Gary Barlow album just dropped.

Yeah this is probably quite an urgent situation guys, when shall we meet? Ok how about we do this on Tuesday, I finish early this afternoon and then it’s Friday-yay.

This song is about when I binged Dexter.

Good afternoon. Here is everyone ever.

Oh yeah? Name twenty-five of their albums.

5 stars. “I haven’t read this yet” Why do people do this?

Posted this on twitter years ago, cuz like man, the addams family tv show is so genuinely funny a lot of the time. Everyone should watch it, imo. This episode was about trying to get Gomez a driver's license just so he could have another really excellent photo

Sensitive beagle, 2020

I was in two minds whether to post this image because I think it’s both a little niche and a little arch.

Got an invite code for twitter if anyone wants it

At this time of year thoughts turn to the Holy Trinity.

God is dead

I haven’t learned to make starter packs but I also never learned how to burn cds and that turned out okay

You can’t have two duck names

Does anyone have a stream link for the Jake Paul vs. Mary Berry fight tonight?