Me when the bar’s about to close:

11 months a year: Eat the rich! December: Eat the roof!

This is what a 38-year-old looked like in 1990.

Good for you but I’ll never stop riding in horse carriages.

Scrooge: Who is that awakening me on this Christmas Eve?

@mbalazo.bsky.social Good news! www.cbc.ca/music/ac-new...

A lot of people like it when Seal goes “Bay-BAY I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey.” But you know what’s underrated? When Seal goes “But did you know that when it snows…”

To celebrate the life of Diane Keaton I will be wearing pants for the next few months.

One thing I love about a 20-slide Instagram carousel is trying to guess where the fuck I am in the middle of it.

It’s so pathetic how my friends love the Sopranos cuz it’s like bro the Sopranos wouldn’t like you AT ALL.

Hot take: I don't think you should be allowed to use the self-checkout if you're a dumbshit.

New in the bonus feed! Dave and Graham make the ultimate summer playlist.

Me: Fellate a minion? Yes please! Snooty waiter: It’s pronounced filet mignon.

Don McLean: Drove my Chevy to the levee… Me (grinning while concealing an enormous levee-drying device): Then what happened?

Me to a crow:

Just met my girlfriend’s dad for the first time. Considering bragging that I can milk anything with nipples. Hope he doesn’t get my ass on a technicality.

Whoa, big news day.

Now that we have a Chicago pope, Christmas is gonna have a lot more Dominic the Donkey.

Graham's 24-Hours of Stand-Up is underway. www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZVz...

If you’re posting a video, you better write “wait for it” on it. Otherwise I might think it’s bad the whole way through instead of mostly bad but good at the end.

We actually do deserve dogs.

My fellow Blue Sky members, I cannot express how much fun this 24 Hour Show is going to be. I wish very much for you to see it. www.showpass.com/graham-clark...

Sometimes you hear a piece of music that makes you question whether you’re reelin in the years.

It soon will be May.

It’s called quiche because when I take a bite it goes squiche.

Fun fact: Tate McRae’s full name is Potato McRato.

Imagine if the pope's wife dropped this one week from now.

I come here to share fantastic news! Retail Nightmares has returned for today!!! Thanks @aliciatobin.bsky.social @energyslime.bsky.social @jayarner.bsky.social and @grahamclark.bsky.social

Happy Carob Day to all the parents whose kids are mad at them right now.

Just keep rubbing your eyes together.

That’s certainly troubling news but I don’t recognize that guy as Weezer’s true bassist.

Why do people get so stressed about doing their taxes? Just wait for the government to text you and pay them $800 in iTunes gift cards.

What I love about the pubic bone is the idea that my skeleton has a huge bush.

You can believe in astrology but ya gotta admit every day is basically the same.

Tax return? Tax return?! I'm sorry but tax does not return.

We don't mean to cause no fuss. All we wanna say is they not like us.

They did NOT have to give the Urkel robot such a juicy ass.

French onion soup? Hell yeah. I might even finger onion soup.

Oh, so I'm the only one on here staying up all night praying for the pope?

Me entering the drug store: Unlock all the plexiglass panels please. I’d like to do some shopping.

Born too late to explore the Earth. Born too early to have my high school yearbook quote be "Bawitdaba da-bang da-bang diggy-diggy-diggy. Said the boogie, said up drop the boogie."

Well, I guess you can't buy not being the stupidest fucking idiot in the world.

I love a blowout Super Bowl. It’s so embarrassing for everyone.

Hope I don't get too laid.

Trade war? Yeah, I’d like to trade war… for Anthony Davis and a 1st.

Groundhogs see this and be like “I don’t know, man.”

“In the midnight hour I can feel your power… but I mostly feel it between 7:30 and 8.” -if “Like a Prayer” was written about Ken Jennings

Farewell to the worst candy with the most grimly pornographic packaging.

If this book were written today it would be called How to Rizz Friends & Also Rizz People.

I don't post a lot of selfies. Please be gentle with me.