6yo drew a picture of a snake with a leash on so he won't get away. I don't have the heart to tell her it won't move by itself.

time for our monthly Unboxing Adventure of “what’s underneath the sofa!” absolute treasure trove today

Having a little treat before bedtime (antacids).

Hell yeah. New box.

The most annoying thing about eating a salad is that it is a salad.

Don’t pick up Don’t pick up Don’t pick up Me every time I have to call someone

I'm starting to think I'm part robot, because I can never select all the correct images in a captcha on the first few attempts.

Movie theater employee: Sorry ma’am, you can’t bring that in here. Me: it’s just a protein bar. Employee: that’s an entire rotisserie chicken. Me: exactly. Protein bar.

Me: If you like basketball, why don't we sign you up for a team? 8yo: Nah. I don't really like playing with other people.

I, for one, am glad that the streaming services are adding in commercials. These kids need to suffer as we have suffered.

*listening to rap music* 7: mom, what’s a hoe? me: um, it’s a term when someone wants to be mean to someone? 7: oh. In Minecraft we use it to move dirt

‘This is the worse day of my life.’ - my kid when asked to do one simple task.

DATE: So what do you do? ME: I race cars. HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races? ME: No, the cars are much faster.

You’ve hit peak parenthood when you’re cleaning up pee in the middle of the night and genuinely think ‘at least it’s not puke.’

Me: It's 11pm - stop playing the recorder! 8yo: Oh. I didn't realize you could hear that.

My 5yo just stopped mid-play, said ‘hold on one second,’ walked outside, slid the door closed, and screamed at the top of his lungs. Valid. Carry on, king.

*spends 4 hours in kitchen making a gourmet meal* Kids: This is gross. *spends 15 minutes making a meal with 5 ingredients* Kids: This is the best dinner you’ve ever made!

My 19-year-old son ordered an Arnold Palmer at lunch. When we got home, his AARP card had already arrived.

(boss pulling me aside) I need you to stop saying Lucky whenever anyone calls out sick

6yo: Let's go to Target. Me: I'd rather not. I don't have any makeup on. 6yo: It's ok. Only the locals will see you.

Might give up on shoveling. This is our life now, we live amongst the snow.

Let’s go out to dinner without the kids . . . and then spend all night talking about the kids

My 4yo is pretending to be a shopkeeper at a shoe store and her 8yo brother is the customer. He’s short on cash, so she’s offering to sell him each shoe separately. Now that’s how a business ensures they get repeat customers.

*8yo playing football; decides to take a break Me: Do you even know how to play football? 8yo: No. I just run and tackle people.

Surround yourself with the kind of people who find the Oxford comma to be illuminative, beautiful, and necessary.

Making bacon disappear . . . what's your superpower?

My red flag is not understanding why I'm not skinny after doing 1 squat.

Every store is sold out of sleds, so I’m going to see if our molded rubber car floor mats will work. We also have sumo inflatable hamster ball things. What could go wrong?

Nobody mentioned that a large portion of adulthood is just making piles, moving piles, and occasionally losing entire piles. The piles always win.

If you’re a parent of young kids who has made it this far in life without knowing what Roblox is, I'd like to know which rock you've been living under so I can join you.

Me: Goodnight, dear. You coming to bed soon? Hubs: Yeah. I'm just going to play a little Xbox first. Dear reader, he would not come to bed any time he made that statement. Instead he would pass out on the couch, remote in hand.

She believed she could but her bed was so cozy and the floor was too cold, so she didn’t.

Not to brag but it only took me five attempts to work out whether or not my sock was inside out this morning. Ladies, the line forms to the left…

6yo, after briefly helping with one (1) clean-up task: Why does it feel like I’m the only one doing the clean-up?

You know you've got a problem when your 8yo calls you out for the amount of browser tabs you've got open

Me: We are on a time crunch. How quickly can you potty and get ready to go? 6yo: I don't know. Why don't you ask the future?

It's literally so mean to send me fake sugar daddy or free money scam DMs right now, be more sensitive and read the room scammers

Maybe I was put here to be a living example for others who think "what would it look like if I really let myself go"

I’m way too introverted to join an introverts anonymous.

My 7yo forgot the word for spit and called it ‘tongue juice’. Tongue. Juice. I will never recover.

Me: Do I look pretty or like a hot mess? Hubs: Yes. Me: To which? Hubs: Honey, being a mess isn't new.

dinosaurs probably became birds because the floor was lava

Me (plucking petals): he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.. My therapist: *aggressively scribbles* Me: oooh what was your guess?

My apocalypse kit brings all the boys to my yard.

Getting older means planning your wardrobe based on the type of doctor you will see that day. OBGYN: shave legs Chiropractor: wear pants Psychiatrist: put on makeup so you don't look as nuts

Therapist: have you been taking time for reflection? Me, thinking about the 30 minutes I spent staring at the wall last night while questioning every decision I’ve ever made: absolutely. Very intentional

I came. I saw parallel parking. I went home.

Kids’ observational skills when comparing items received: HOW COME THEY GOT 42 POTATO CHIPS AND I ONLY GOT 41 ?!?! Kids’ observational skills when trying to find their shoes that are in the same place they always are: DAADDDDD, WHERE ARE MY SHOESSSSS ?!?!