America keeps trying to get me to go to her birthday party and I’m like no girl u need to go to the hospital

youre not going to believe this but the dumb assholes we put in charge have fucked everything up

It’s not hyperbole that part of what kept the queer liberation movement going in the Reagan era was the partying part of the “bury your friends in the morning, protest in the afternoon, and dance at night” schedule. Without joy there is no air left to fight

Here's the serious bit for anyone who'd rather skip the 4000 words of jokes

Vibes are off, man.

Joe: I am a 73 year-old retired mechanic in Forsberg, Nebraska. My 3 biggest problems are Iran's uranium enrichment capability, the casting of Helen in Christopher Nolan's "Odyssey," and the ability of Tennesseeans to check out "Roots" from a library 1000 media outlets: can we please talk at length

Watching a series of former Confederate states rush to eliminate any vestige of black representation in the House pretty much answers the question whether the Voting Rights Act was still necessary.

sure gas is headed to $8/gallon but at least cornell got rid of their gender studies classes. or at least i think they did, i haven’t checked and if im being honest i wouldnt really know if they had or hadnt because it doesnt affect me but it makes $8/gallon gas all worth it

I would submit that a gerrymander by politicians saying fuck the voters and one by voters saying fuck the politicians are two wholly different animals

His brain is soup.

His brain is soup.

you, a naive fool: i do believe there are some things the nytimes won’t both sides the nytimes:

Today's the day.

A remarkable photo from #NoKings in DTLA from Connor Sheets of @latimes.com www.latimes.com/california/l...

I have permanently altered my algorithm, but it is worth it.

The NYT style guide

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Hot Lead and Cold Feet (1978)

Where does the AP Style Guide land on Crunchwraps Supreme vs. Crunchwrap Supremes?

Whether it's a Hillary Clinton staffer asking John Podesta how to make risotto or Elon Musk asking Jeffrey Epstein where he could find a party featuring child sex slaves, there's plenty of embarrassing emails on both sides.

Not to get political, but America is very pretty and has a lot of nice folks making cool things, and I think if we had a president who wasn’t actively trying to murder us, we could have a pretty good time

People are being executed in the street over a problem that straight up does not exist and both parties are complicit in the lie

This kid is awesome, actual hero.

In addition to being bad, this is all pretty stupid.

It's the Karen presidency. Everything going on is because one dumb old asshole didn't get his way and now it's everyone's problem

Government accounts just post like this now and that’s how policy is made

The FIFA Peace Prize used to mean something

Merry Christmas. You will log.

So Bari Weiss’s first real editorial intervention at CBS is to repress coverage of American concentration camps.

Does anyone wanna see a really good Getty image of Rita Moreno and Sam The Eagle having dinner in 1979?

At SNL I worked with artists who made the funniest, stupidest graphics in no time flat. Some of my biggest jokes would have been impossible without these geniuses building an insane image or finding the perfect real-life photo of a politician. Sucks that their work is being pushed aside for slop.

Stealworkers

A famous guy I was a fan of sent an email during the pandemic just being like "hey I like your show, great job" and it meant a ton to me. So ever since I've tried to reach out whenever I really like something and just tell the people who made it "I really like this, thanks for making it!"

Here’s my Spotify Wrapped 🎵✨

Everything so stupid but I have faith it can get stupider

Well, it's a little clearer now why billionaires are so invested in technology that produces better written emails.

40 years ago we’d have congressional hearings falsely accusing metal bands of putting backwards messages in their songs that told kids to kill themselves & now we have a planet-killing chatbot that’s all like “bet you won’t commit suicide chickenshit bitch” & the government is like here’s $5 billion

My takeaway from the elections yesterday is that it’s one thing to be unpopular and have a large portion of the media apparatus desperate to pretend that’s not the case but it’s another thing to be unpopular and have that be an undeniable fact

The H.H. Holmes Ballroom

I'm not a West Wing obsessed lib or anything but the more I see pictures of this the more fucked up I think it is. It's like he cut off one of the hands of the Lincoln memorial with an angle grinder so he could add a big gun to it.

When I die, the only thing my family will be fighting over is my vast mucus reserves.

We built a calculator that doesn't work, but don't worry, it's also a plagiarism machine that will tell you to kill yourself. It runs on the world's oceans and costs 10 trillion dollars.

I’m not an astrology guy, but will accept that something’s in retrograde because today I got stung by the same bee thrice.

I'm a 58-year-old retired roofer from Zanesville, OH who has no relationship with his children and has been banned from 4 separate Chili's locations for berating staff, and I have deep concerns about the Democratic candidate for mayor of New York City, a place I have never been.

Zohran: Imagine living in a city where you can afford your rent, your groceries and even a meal at a restaurant now and then without much stress Eric Adams: Imagine a platypus so powerful that it could destroy the city. We need more cops