me before and after seeing a tasty looking pie being sliced up

love to fit into this world

if only there was some kind of amendment that could prevent this from happening. pretty important stuff too, id prolly put it first

Emmys 8 years apart

dirty mirror, dead inside, can’t lose

There is a fly with me on this international flight, little bro has no idea how different his life is about to be

…just got the finger from a Waymo

I’d rather pay double than say that

Trump 2024: I will be the President of peace. Trump 2025: THE DEPARTMENT OF WAR WILL NOT REST UNTIL WE HAVE DEFEATED CHICAGO

When friends ask me to dinner after 9pm

I’m a guy who believes more children should have measles for no reason, and I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to finally feel represented by my government

who would’ve guessed that the guy whose brain has been eaten by a worm would be bad a managing our health system

I should have been more upfront: I am MLB two-way all star Shohei Ohtani

To optimize good sleep before bed: -Take a hot bath -Get blackout curtains -Watch 200 4-second videos 3 inches from your face -Practice deep breathing

0-4🍹 vs. 5🍹 vs. 6+🍹

It’s insane to think Covid was 15 years ago today

i promise these shorts looked longer online

kay fine, maybe the weird wake up before sunrise ppl have had a point this whole time

Ah yes my spouse is at a Coldplay concert with business associates, finally a night alone to sit back, relax, take a big sip of liquid, and browse the internet

If only there had been a way to know Trump was a sex criminal before he was elected besides reading the 800,000 sex crime lawsuits against him over the last 40 years

Still shocked the guy who bragged about sex crimes on a bus turned out to be on Epstein’s list

Saw my friend on the sidewalk volunteering for Greenpeace, walked up behind him, smacked him on the back and said, “Get a job, hippie” (he has a job). Guys, it was NOT my friend, and he did not get the joke. So I’m heading to the ocean now with rocks in my pockets, and yes, I donated dollar I have.

Me every day: *never shits myself* Me packing underwear for a vacation: I'm going to shit myself 2-3 times a day

“I did not have sex with a couch, I had sex with a couch’s cushions”

Emmy voter friends, please remember to vote this week for Shrinking in all categories and nothing else thank you so much

A more achievable Live, Laugh, Love

Kendall Jenner could end this all with one strategically placed Pepsi

just won this dog playing poker, still think i have a gambling problem now??

sorry took me so long to respond, your text hung over me like a guillotine, growing like a tumor inside my messages, until the guilt became so unbearable i simply had to respond if only to relieve myself of the prison of your text, so yeah what’s up, how u doing?

gray fam

You can only keep 3 for the rest of your life: -Sex -Food -Friends -Snakes -Trash -Meth -Old shrimp -Taliban

at this point facebook is just craigslist that also reminds you of your high school bully’s birthday

He really is the the Joan Rivers of Hitlers

before phones were people just constantly driving to the library at night to look up if their cat can have a little bite of their dinner

By age 33 you should: -have $100k in an IRA -paid off your student loans -own property -be betrayed by your best friend -die on the cross -come back to life from a rock -have your teachings wildly misunderstood -drive a Lexus

To optimize good sleep before bed: -Take a warm bath -Get blackout curtains -Watch 200 4-second videos 3 inches from your face -Practice deep breathing

damn security question trying to tear apart my family

Knowing things is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

Coming to CBS this fall

Do not worry, this is all going to get worse before it gets even worse

finally a booth to sing & record on CD, can’t wait to upload my talent to the Web

just got these, better late than never. or is it? maybe i should’ve gone with never

hell yeah im poly, poly gonna have some pizza by myself later

So Lumon has 0 security guards but an 80-person full-time marching band

The half an avocado I cut open and tried to save for later

OMG my 4-year-old just put down his Legos and said, “Movie stars are out and looking good on Hollywood’s biggest night. Who will be snubbed? And who will take home the gold? Hashtag Oscars“

This is now the most embarrassing thing JD has done on a couch

ive been told collar popping is back and im so sorry you had to find out this way

Struggling to tell if it’s a good or bad thing that the person now in charge of national intelligence is a paid Russian asset and the person in charge of our health had half his brain eaten by a worm

with the industry doing so well now, im really regretting not going into oligarchy after college