the government would have had a stronger case if subway bread still had the poisonous yoga mat chemical in it

I went to Fat-Food Balla Gaye 2 and everyone knew you, asked how you are, and said they miss you and just want you to be happy

the women in the workplace discourse is very funny because a man who can act normal in an office environment that's predominantly female is absolutely on easy street. it's maybe the best gig anyone in history has had. and yet for many guys it is utterly impossible

I need the shutdown to last one more week but end before 11/18 so I win a bet at work. THANK YOU!

You cannot defeat death by pretending the time has not passed. You will succeed only in wasting whatever of it you have left

David Geffen Hall has been renamed the Mohamed Atta Memorial Mosque.

"Is Parks & Rec neoliberal", a conversation that has actually been ongoing without pause since 2014, inspired me to look up the top 10 longest running Broadway shows. The first seven are easy but you will absolutely never guess what's sliding in at #8

text from 11yo

In This Age Of Tacky Famine I Find Myself Begrudgingly Respecting Conquest - Why this mortal will be toasting the memory of the white rider of the apocalypse with a cup of non-alcoholic wine this Friday.

I became a poster to change the system from the inside

Let's crack on

Zohran says you’re trans now

what if one of the strategies they settle on from this is "tormenting the actor michael rappaport"

Checking out some screenshot sniping betwixt mufos

Before we get started with this meeting I’d like to acknowledge I’m standing on land that will be used to imprison every member of ICE and DHS in about 5 years,

Counted 7 pogroms on the train to work this morning and two of my retirement accounts were drained by the time I got in. What can you do

Ardently recommend this for all your libbing out needs this evening. We fear them not! We trust in God!

I've worked political campaigns before, put my heart and soul into the effort, spent 100% of my time 7 days/wk burning the candle at both ends, so I know how earthshatteringly heartbreaking it is to lose and know all your hard work amounts to absolutely nothing. So to today's losers, let me say: Lol

And it was

Doesn’t get much more aloof than that

I want you to put the word out that we back up

andrew cuomo is sexually harassing me as we speak

Yeah i like Sea King... Sea King and destroying the republican party

Pretend I photoshopped a burqa on the let's fucking go ball and labeled it "Sharia Law"

OK drop the votes it's bedtime soon

I read about the Virginia guy with the texts and I’m libbing out crazy style

Bro there are some atrocious beasts outside looking for you

I have never been conflicted about living in New York, it's been a home that fit the way I needed for many years now. I want only good things for it. And every time someone tweets something about "buhhhh New York SO annoying" I put their name on my list ✍️. Reaping time will come one day. Maybe soon.

Bill Ackman has eaten a D cell battery

That's right "Ambien". Fuck the pervs

The perfect time to add that he "played Kevin's Dad on The Office" to Dick Cheney's Wikipedia page. No one will notice it with everything else going on.

The animals are returning to the themed retail spaces. Gaia reborn.

Hating tastes so good when you don’t have a pundit in your ear telling you it’s nasty.

Going to bed on a potential Hater’s Eve

Solitaire is in many ways the loneliest card game.

Citing this as a reason why I unfortunately can’t attend agonizing family Thanksgiving and pretending like I do not hear when everyone’s like “Aren’t you in driving distance”

I never really understood the appeal of climbing Mount Everest until i found out there's a bunch of dead bodies up there

ok that's a good sign

I would legitimately rather be tortured than listen to more than 10 mins of the ESPN road racing commentary team

I want to watch one scary movie tonight while my husband is out and I am accepting recommendations. I don’t like super gory but fine with jump scares, I tend to like folk horror and psychological horror best but pretty open to whatever

VANCE: “I WANT TO SEE THAT PIG FRIED” — Legal Experts Astonished As VP Calls For Capital Punishment In “Rizzler” Trial — Youngest Sovereign Citizen Faces Sentencing In Star-Studded Jaywalking Case

Dreamt that I went to a very old natural history museum, and the plaque below the whale skeleton read: "An Fishe swoll'n beyonde Reason"

Guess who got asked to run for school board

Had two drinks and moved to compose this