It’s possible the fatal flaw of the Republican Party will be the incorrect assumption that every person who ever voted Dem even once would go to the mat for Bill Clinton forever until their last breath and instead they just didn’t give a shit

Your absolute dumbest coworker loves to tell you your lunch smells good and ask you where you got it

Try our new 35-Napkin Burger! “Horrible!”

My year-round Christmas Themed bar ‘Nogs + Gloggs’ has been valued by private equity at forty billion dollars

Nice pass fuckface

I’ve got to be honest I basically have no idea what’s going on with the government this go round but everyone’s suggestions seem very good. And if I may: have any of the senators tried dressing weird?

We need a national investigation into what the fuck people ahead of you in the Dunkin drive thru line are doing up there

Alright zohdog speech is a little long cmon man

Bad news gang: a guy just got off a free bus and stabbed me with a big scimitar

That’s it, I’m moving back to Israel

When a guy flies in from out of town in a special attention grabbing outfit to get an 87 point election lead over the line, I thank him for selfless service

Hold on, there’s a guy who can tell me some very obvious political opinions to hold, AND he’s zany? Surely access to this man must cost tens of thousands of dollars…

People are open to Zohran’s ostensibly novel ideas because he looks and acts normal. Quote tweet unrelated

I am reporting that Dick Cheney is alive

I love using an app and then getting the pop up “How Are We Doing?” and then trying to figure out which answer is going to waste less of your time

Tough day today. I had HR called on me (the Homo Response unit)

Can Zohran hurry up and win already so I can stop seeing these unbearable articles about how New York is dying

Voting is both and honor and a privilege and being a poll worker is a venerable civic duty. Unfortunately some poll workers are fucking DICKS who should be set adrift on a barge…

Joel Osteen has that look now where things are just holding on but give it a couple years and he’s going to look truly truly monstrous

The sad reality is that gambling (or whatever the vice of the day is) did not turn tens of millions of Americans into boorish slobs. They were boorish slobs already and this is just what they’re being slobs about at this moment

Also this isn’t even sports gambling

It’s so funny to be like “this illegal gambling scheme would never have occurred without legalized sports gambling, before which gambling never existed”

People love to run and hold open the subway doors at the last second, delaying everyone else, and then look around smiling like everyone else is sharing in their Zany New York Adventure instead of wishing that that doors had bisected them

Tired: 8 foot yard skeleton Wired: yard skeletons with big asses

“Lemme get a tattoo of a cool skull…..the coolest skull you got”

We all love the big dumper but a loved one correctly pointed out there are like 4 guys on the field at any point in time who could credibly be the big dumper

“Natural wine”. That’s not anything, right? It’s just normal wine

i'm concerned that the president flying around a cartoon plane full of shit will have a "chilling effect" on political discourse...

(80 million people protesting) they bussed these guys in from out of town...

Deliver me Thai food from nowhere

The main thing about music now is song titles are in all caps. Also the songs are garbage

I love to “score points on Israel” in the mayoral debate

So many articles trying to figure out why New Yorkers are voting for Zohran and none of them can figure out it’s that he’s the only one who seems like a genuinely nice guy. That’s it. Insanely, Sliwa comes in second there

People think the right to read the world’s largest paperback on the subway is extremely important and you must create space for it. Wrong. I’ll knock that dumb book right out of your hands

Well I can’t think of a better way to spend forty billion dollars

Some people feeling like they don’t have to pick up their dog’s shit when it’s raining is one of life’s great mysteries

“Too excited for free food” is one of the least appealing coworker characteristics

refs simply don't have to call every penalty. they can see a penalty and just go "well that isn't really anything" and just not make a call. and it would be great!

punching at the ball is so stupid. it's not fooball and it should be illegal

Eagles looking sharp

August: Osage County and Songs: Ohia are the same thing

An insane amount of people are openly like “the greatest American filmmaker under 65 has graced us with another movie to watch. And now I will give him some pointers!”

Trying to get the Japan native sushi chef at the Michelin starred omakase place to say “Charlie Kirk” and filming it

????????

Not now

Kimmel thing extremely bad. Unrelated: so, what he fake hated Matt Damon? And that was it? And people loved it?