lol

perfect

I’m old enough to remember when NPR did their annual recitation of the Declaration of Independence in 2017 and a bunch of Trump voters called it anti-Trump propaganda because we live in hell

I can’t shake the feeling that all of this is happening because the White House lacks a world-class Ballroom

CYPHER: I know this steak doesn't exist... Ignorance is bliss... NEO (BEEN TAKING SPANISH ON DUOLINGO FOR THE LAST 3 WEEKS): carne asada...

Something wrong, sailor? You’ve hardly touched your filet of gray.

Attie wyd. Help us Attie

i agree with this but it's also like cruel but obviously untrue: funny cruel but i'm unsure: hurtful cruel and obviously true and i already know: funny again

hot dog

One must imagine Memetic Sisyphus dumb as hell

I long for the Forbidden feed

Looking for someone to housesit my mind palace while I’m away. Just stop by twice a day or so to make sure all my memories are behaving and the cellar door stays locked.

I’m sorry, but in Little Fockers (2010), the Focker twins turn 5, making them 21 in 2026, and while Ariana Grande could believably play someone in her late 20s, I find that to be a PROBLEMATIC AGE GAP, unless this film is somehow set in THE FUTURE?? Universal has a lot to answer for.

bluesky is down and it's going to stay down. bluesky is gone forever. it's gone forever and you're high. you're high and everyone knows it and you're going to be high forever too

think of how good ernest hemingway's books could have been if he'd listened to a playlist called '1am lofi study session' while writing them

feeling ambivalent about my future as a meat based adapter that types in 2FA codes for an amoral agentic cloud of some sort

It wasn’t a particularly big episode but one moment from ca. 2019-era Twitter that I like to turn over in my mind was the lady who said “If your fantasy setting doesn’t have sports franchises, famous musicians, a whole sphere of popular commercial entertainment then you’re doing it wrong”

Salve regino

It’s very disorienting to see the NY Post house style deployed outside its natural environment. You can’t do “headless body found in topless bar” stuff in a California accent.

You’re exceeding your rate limit, playboy

These people are so full of shit because none of them actually want to live outside of the epicenter of western diversity and population density if they have the option, this guy would kill himself before living among the noble jug hooters

I would not be found at Coachella at any age but it might be time to get out of this man’s business unless you have a Former Canadian Politicians on the Town beat

DOGE six-month performance reviews

Sometimes, the timeline has a great sense of timing

You know what never goes down is my good old dry-erase board of witticisms. *my cat rubs himself against the board and smears all the words away* Never mind.

Reading the credits for the Sopranos

I met someone who dropped an “Oh, Jarnathan” at a birthday party a couple of weeks ago and everyone shared a satisfied chuckle of remembrance

Some weeks at the shelter are tougher than others. This week we got these two new kittens (Benedict and Colin) who need to be acclimated to touch, so I had to hold one for a while. Don’t call me a hero.

Truly, whomst among us

Nice actors. Rational?

When I was in Sweden last summer a man asked me how Americans decide what is and isn’t good use of our taxes. What is our cultural mechanism? I answered truthfully (laugh that transitioned to a weird sad sound)

Noticed some new signs up at the local grocery stores encouraging people to use the Coinstar machines

Damn. He was so lucky to have her.

side effects of setting the edge

[Nazi command center] Birth rates guy: [chanting] charts, charts- Other Nazis: charts, CHARTS Katie: [pounding her keyboard] CHARTS, CHARTS, CHARTS!

I think about this tweet every time these guys talk about mogging

PF Chang's waiter: [Recites specials] JD Vance: I think this is where waitstaff has to be a little careful when talking about matters of food, you know, we deal with menus all the time and whether it’s crab rangoon or other things of that nature, we have a right not to be told these distractions

a powerful reminder of the grotesqueness of man's sinful nature, thank u sonic

Me: Bro Im titillated ! Friend: That's awesome 😊 Also friend: (betraying me just hours afterward while hanging with another friend): Bro was titillated ☠️

One time my kid left a little handmade booklet under her bed and it was called "bad thoughts" (spelled incorrectly) and the only thing written inside was the word "FUC"

If you watch one of those streamers and pause the video at the right time, you can make them hold their breath until they pass out

Operation Hog Wild

April 15th: Lincoln died today, the Titanic sank today, it's Tax Day. Hm I have an idea of something which could happen today which would really turn this date in history around...

My droid manufacturing firm that previously specialized in the beep-boop trash can models is pivoting to humanoid droids that can tell you to unalive yourself in a billion different languages

If you knew there was a talking animal piloting your plane would you be most comfortable with a bird because they’re natural fliers or would you wonder why they needed mechanical assistance? Yes this is the first question that came to mind.

No one is more against the wall than a non-Catholic bringing up just war, it's like a political candidate bringing up "Dewey Defeats Truman"

Torn between agreeing that people should be normal at Starbucks and feeling like asking anyone there for a recommendation is like asking what looks good at McDonald’s.

If I had just held out a little longer

Let’s hear him out. His uncle taught the Unabomber.

In the waiting room with an older gentleman who is wearing a T-shirt that says I TREAT THAT CAKE RIGHT. As well you should sir