I was disadvantaged in the duel as I had sold my pistols to buy a comb for my wife's beautiful hair. But as we turned on the count of ten, I saw she had shaved her head so loose hair would not interfere with her deadly bald aim.

New Superhero Team I Invented (1/4)

children should be allowed to swear as early as possible

sorry for melting down in your replies i missed school the day they taught us about hyperbole

Girl at my house: Omg I think I just saw a rat Me: wtf 😳🤢 (Next day) go! Can’t you see I don’t love you anymore? Rat I’ve been raising as my son: (rolls over for belly rub & cheese) Me: Just go…(I turn away as the funeral by band of horses plays) Neither of them returned

go ahead. post another "take." tell me that hating LLMs is ableist. say anne frank had white privilege. accuse a big account of not following enough people back. come up with a woke way to say pedophiles are not bad. call me a russian bot for not liking the pope.

super powers

WOLF: little pig, little pig, let me come in PIG: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin! WOLF: what PIG: i said go away!! WOLF: no say what you said before PIG: seriously fuck off

Five United Nations experts have again written to the UK government to condemn Keir Starmer’s “unnecessary and disproportionate” attack on the rights and freedoms of UK citizens to speak freely and protest publicly against Israel’s genocide in Gaza. www.thecanary.co/skwawkbox/20...

every operation needs: - the brains - the brawn - the cute one who does nothing - the one who is counterproductive to the entire operation

guthrie returns

seems you guys were completely wrong about consumerism. just bought something that turned out to be the last thing i needed and everything in my life clicked perfectly into place. keep shopping until you find the right item! you won't know it till you've bought it!!

The judgmental imp

Just infiltrated your man’s fortress with only a small mob of local peasants wielding crudely adapted agricultural tools

All of this is fascism. And not early stage either. This is the embedding of the Right Wing Daily Mail press consensus as the absolutely unshakable common sense of the UK state. Made possible because the "left wing" party has abdicated any kind of moral position on it.

Me (stupid): things could be less awful Economist (clever): ah my dear fool but such ideas are mere snake oil! Must I explain yet again that bonds will yaddah yaddah yaddah fuck you prole

kind of obsessed with this this morning, you can see the quick time event in her mind

Instead of a song being stuck in my head, today what's stuck in my head is the "fuck ya life. bing-bong!" pigeon video.

A friend showed me this in text, so I turned it into an actual video

if elected president i promise to be just as corrupt as our current leadership, perhaps even moreso. but I will also reinvest the entire defense and policing budgets into creating what i call The Health Cigarette

In saying “hello”, a highly cynical move, The Sociopath deliberately fosters engagement and centers the community around themself. This is a blatant red flag, and a Machiavellian step in establishing a Trump-like cult of personality.

Too many of you are getting in fights online. Please stop. Start getting in fights in real life. Bloody your knuckles and face. Feel bone contact bone. Defeat all challengers so no one can hurt you again

A couple late night Batmen 🌕

magic

technical support

His name is Happy and he’s an intern

see here: a runnin comic (1/3)

This PlayStation patent submission will never stop being funny.

Gotham backstreets

Donate to my charity Pianos for Cops. We raise money to buy brand new grand pianos and drop them onn police officers

Honey I’m home, what four dinner?? Joker’s Ribs! Joker Brands presents Joker brand tube steaks and now ribs with sickening flavor

The dreams have started to manifest 'flashbacks'. There are blots of time where I'm distinctly the one experiencing events, and suddenly the scene changes, someone else is recounting what happened, and I'm not in the dream anymore.

good afternoon

sigh dude, fucking ughhhh bro

Going to hell for 1200 years, lmao #Lupin #Jigen #Goemon #ededdneddy #edit #EDit(getit???ED-it?)heh...

me watching the Sonic the Hedgehog movie: why isn’t he playing his guitar? Where are his brother and sister?

FRIEND: Mike? Are you okay? Your face looks like you just got lip fillers and your caboose is getting juicier by the minute. ME: (pulling chunky scarf up to hide the bite of the weremilf) Just a little cold, that's all.

Comparing normal people getting fired for supporting Palestine or hating Kirk to sicko celebs being outed as creeps is a waste of time imo. They are two very different things, ones being targeted by a fascist government, the other is having to change your target audience to anti-woke cretins.

there go our boys, prancing and flouncing their way into battle

Get his ass!! #LupinIII

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